I still here and same person. Passed many months in suffered, but I just come back here. No one knows how I suffer and fight to still alive. No one knows how I through each day in emptiness and tears. I want hating you, my dream. So I can erase all your words, promises and hopes which you make for me. I risk everything to be with you and this what I get. I give you all I have and this what I take. Want to hate you so bad. You just came and go in my dreaming even in sleeping at end I wake up in tears. You wont ruin someon's life but you already ruin my life and breaking me as a shit. Once you come in mind, in minute tears falling down like a stupid. Maybe you are right, I am the best person. And you are not. And stupidly I never change. In fact I never leave you even in second. I deserve to be happy, dont I ? I dont know how to fix this hurt. And I know until end this life I never can to hate you. My dream ... you are not a person who I know so well in years anymore

I am sorry, I dont post any. Too hard for me to start writing here. Too much tears in crying whenever I start. I will sign out from blogspot website for a while. I already sign out for all social media I follow. I am sorry I cant ... I cant face my own tears.

1.21 am still waiting chiffon cake the oven. I just opened old photos on my old iphone. So many photos of my dream, mostly smiled. The tears dropped slowly. I had so many beautiful moments with him that time. How can i forget all of them. Maybe he does. Maybe he already delete all things which relate to me. I dont know where is he rite now, how is he, what he do, if I try to know everything about him I surely cry. I dont know should I hate him or no after all he do to me. What I know, he is my dream and keep all the feelings inside. He already a person whom I never know, so much different from my dream I used to know. Last week, I went to Singapore with Khansa for 4 days. We went to Santosa Island ; universal studio, sea aquarium, trick and treat, and city sight seeing. At changi airport while waiting boarding pass I cried. Wondered my dream was with me, but he wasn't. I remembered what khansa said to me that time "bunda, khansa loves you" she hugged me and some people looked at us. I still cry each night because of him then when I wake up he still be the first person in mind until today. I break down and so much trying to stand up after my dream leave me.

It is rainig ... like my heart is feeling rite now ... same to the tears are dropping slowly rite now

It is my first post for almost 3 weeks. Really, not easy for me to start writing again here. But I realize, time is never enough for me. This blog already my place to heal myself, express all the feeling, love, emotion, passion, think, hope, afraid ... everything for almost 8 years. In last 3 weeks I made various of cakes in my kitchen, routine cake ordered, prayed for good for my dream until today, and read one book which I bought on Periplus by Nicholas Sparks "The Best Of Me".

I know ... I never go anywhere ... I just here.