Dropping The Tears

song of the day [embeed&download]

"Do you want to do something crazy ?" she smiles, let her fingers open widely to reach his fingers "Do you want to die together ?" she waits for another fingers reach hers. She closes her eyes, no matter what she will not move, her legs will be stiff and strict as like as a stone. It is not suicide, it is not regret, it is not lost mind, it just relieve. She stands at center on road, she let everything is free this moment. Dim light of a car fade her eyes, but she just ignored it. One ... the car still run toward her, two ... she still close her eyes, three ... she is ready to die.

Her fingers not cold as before, there is one person walks toward her slowly but surely to reach those fingers "Don't leave me ... lets we die together" he hugs her deeply. The dim light turn off "Hey you two ..., are you nuts ? move away, please find another place to take suicide !!!!!" the driver shouted as barked to them.

The girl opens her eyes "Don't you see, even God not let us to die in this way" the tears turns slowly over her cheek "Should we find another way to die ? i can't bare this anymore".

#####

This love is called pain. Pain to pretend that there is no love between them. Emily is an ordinary girl who work as pianist at the famous cafe in town. Bi is an extraordinary boy who is famous and completely bright star. Their first met was about one year ago, that time after filmed shoot there were many reporters run toward him. What he thought just private time for his lunch. He opened his bag and took a cap then put on his head, walked slowly to a girl who just out from storage room "I need you hug to cover me from them outside, can you help me ? i'm sure they wont recognize me here" he grabbed Emily's hand then hug her as like as they were a couple who not see for a long time "I wont forget your helping me" whispered him on her ear.

The day after, Emily received a bouquet of yellow rose on her piano "Thank you -Bi-" it was written from Bi for her, A famous movie star just gave her yellow rose ? it was nonsense. At first time, emily didn't pay attention for it, but more after she felt something different whenever she found Bi in Cafe to watch her played piano every night.

#####

"Get well soon K, i miss you" slowly tears are down. A person that she loves just lie for almost 6 months because fire accident, he being hospitalized because Emily. He runs into fire to save her, Emily is safe but her parents and brother died. K is not die yet, but he can't move, can't talk even open his eyes. K is a person who always beside her, a person who always guard her, a person who substitute as father - mother and brother because she is an orphan right now, a person who loves her all heart and sincere. It is her first love. His name is just K, he always be on top list in everything because his short name, Emily smiles whenever the memories remain back about K.

One night, K condition dropped to 40%, all over his body was cold as a die person. Emily ruined into bare time to wait K all night, waited the ICU room door opened and the doctor would tell her that everything was fine. She stood on her knee hours and hours in the corner, shaked, cried and afraid, all she knew if K died she would have no one in this world.

"Is okay Em" Suddenly Bi came and hug her from back. She knew for sure, she felt relieved that Bi was there that night not because she needed a friend but Bi has took half of her heart.

#####

Is it wrong to let this feeling grow ? Is it wrong to let this feeling become deep love ? It is different, very different. This feeling toward Bi is different than K. How come she become heartless person like this ? K is there right on hospital force to die and live but how come she let herself fall into Bi ?. Many thought roll over in mind.

Tonight the temperature is lower, she can't walk anymore but she have to keep walking to move away those thought. Emily doesn't recognize that Bi follows her. At once she falls, her feet feel heavy, the cold wraps her as like as ice cube, her heart feels weary because guilty, her tears never stop and she falls again. Just let fall and silent "I'm sorry K, i'm sorry ...". Bi walks slowly to reach her "You must be tired, how come a girl can walk that far in this stupid cold, come ... lets we eat some soup and hot chocolate" Bi tries to make her stand and walk, but Emily again and again refuse it. "Leave me Bi, don't you see ... you are worthless in here", "Come ... do you want to stay in here all night ?" he sees her tears start over down again. "I will if i want, what is you intention follow me until this far ? what is your purpose to tutor me like this ? i'm not yours ... don't you see i have K there, why you always around me ? leave me Bi ... i said leave me ... don't you understand ? don't you hear ... leave me Bi, forget everything ... just leave me" her voice is in deep sorrow.

Bi grabs Emily hand, hold her tightly and put her on his back "Are you deaf ? let me down" again and again Emily shouted to Bi but not a single word out from his mouth. That night he take Emily with him.

#####

Even the cafe nearly closed, but Bi is still there listening Emily play the piano. The last guest give an applause for Emily playing and please to go home. Emily still seat in her seat as like as Bi. It is love that he never said, it is love that he never had, it is love that should not keep. Everyone is pleased going home, the lamp just turn off, what is left just Bi and Emily. Bi put off his cap and glasses walking near to Emily. "I will take you home" he smiles and walks toward the door. "Bi ..., K will be out from hospital tomorrow, i decided to live with him ... marry him" her voice blends into sorrow and weary. "Have you taken all you things, i will take you home" seems like Bi wont listen everything on it. Bi keep walking toward the door while Emily walked back from him. Bi turns the door "I am sorry Bi ... " Emily hugs him "I can't leave K, I'm sorry .... we are not fate belong together. I'm sorry Bi ... Lets we pretend we never met before ... " Bi turns, sees Emily in sorrow, he is crying, there are many word which he wants to talk but seems blur at first. Bi kisses Emily gently and become deeply "I love you Em". Emily let herself going with that kiss, even she knows it will make them more pain after this. Emily takes Bi hands, takes him with her, for this night, only this night, let he becomes mine just tonight.

"Do you want to do something crazy ?" she smiles, let her fingers open widely to reach his fingers "Do you want to die together ?" she waits for another fingers reach hers. She closes her eyes, no matter what she will not move, her legs will be stiff and strict as like as a stone. It is not suicide, it is not regret, it is not lost mind, it just relieve. She stands at center on road, she let everything is free this moment. Dim light of a car fade her eyes, but she just ignored it. One ... the car still run toward her, two ... she still close her eyes, three ... she is ready to die.

Her fingers not cold as before, there is one person walks toward her slowly but surely to reach those fingers "Don't leave me ... lets we die together" he hugs her deeply. The dim light turn off "Hey you two ..., are you nuts ? move away, please find another place to take suicide !!!!!" the driver shouted as barked to them.

The girl opens her eyes "Don't you see, even God not let us to die together" the tears turns slowly over her cheek "Should we find another way to die ?, i can't bare this anymore"

#####

After K out from hospital, Emily married with K. K still can't talk, need wheelchair to walk but he can move her body bit by bit. Emily let her love to Bi keep in heart.

"Be strong K" she smiles to K. All she needs is K strength to keep alive. She holds his hand while she is sleeping. K caress Emily face gently until he sleeps away "Thank you Emily ... please live well okay ... everytime you see mountain that will as high as my love to you, everytime you see sky that will as wide as my love to you, everytime you see ocean that will as deep as my love to you".

In the morning when Emily try to wake K "Good morning K, open your eyes, lets we walk this morning. I will take you to deep pine forest nearby our house, don't you like it ?".

It just word for K, it just something which wont be accomplished because K had passed away last night.

#####

Emily back to town, works again in the same cafe. Day and day she waits to one person, it is Bi. But he never appear even once.

Until one day, "It is very beautiful playing, i had been heard this playing before" a guest told her so. "Thank you, you must be stick customer in here right, i just play this song in here" Emily smiles "And i never published that song into publick before" Emilly adds. "I am not too often come here, even i just know that you are part in this cafe" a guest said so. "Oh really, well ... where you have heard this song before ?". "My patient, he always play this song every night. He said he wanted to hear this song before he sleeps, afraid that he will miss it next morning, no one know how if next morning he will be still alive or no". Emily smiles "Really, i'm glad that i can give your patient that strong. Please send my greeting for him". "I will, but ... how about you come with me to see him. I'm sure your presence will bring more courage for him. Do you want ?". Emily nods "I love to".

#####

It is the same hospital where K did. The same hospital where Bi always beside him whenever she needs power, she needs shoulder to cry on, she needs someone to kill the time and Bi always there ... seems like he always follow her everywhere.

"It is the room, i will take you to see him" the doctor open the door "Wait Doc ... is it okay ? or ... just give this CD to him, i recorded another songs for him, to make him always bear in everything" said Emily. "It's fine, come with me" said the doctor.

The room is so silent, there is only him in this room. "It is out of his habit, listen your song in this time, meanwhile not his sleep time yet" the doctor smiles to Emily.

"Hello ... sir ... how are you ? getting better after last operation ?" asked the doctor

"Getting better Doc", Emily is freezing she really know that voice, that is only one person who has that voice.

"I bring someone to you, i'm sure you'll love it. She is the player of the song that you played every night"

Emily walks slowly toward that person, his head is bold, closer and closer. It is Bi right there, lie on the bed, in sorrow eyes and tears when he sees Emily.

#####

The first met at Cafe exactly not the first time Bi saw Emily. He had seen Emily same day when K being hospitalized. That was love at first time he saw a girl felt lonely, weary, sorrow and lost. He always there because he had to check regularly. Directly Emily gave him strength to keep alive, did his role as famous star, keep away the fact that he is sick. More over Emily left, more over he lost the strength. He didn't have any reason to keep strength, there was no reason for him had to keep alive to next morning if Emily wasn't there.

"Is it cold Bi ?" asked Emily, "No, it is warm, because you are here with me. You are as like as my electric blanket for me". "Are you sure you want to do this crazy things with me Bi ?" asked Emily. "Don't doubt about it. I wait another crazy things to do together" Bi smiles and laughs.

"Bi ... i owe you some words" Emily smiles to Bi, hold him more tight, caress his face, wipe his tears. "What Em ?".

Emily hugs Bi, whispers in his ear "I love you Bi, love you at first time you hug me at the cafe"

They see each other, eye by eye. Smile to smile. They kiss gently, and might be last kiss for them.

Emily takes Bi to her house in village where he and K lived. Take him to deep pine forest where she wanted to take K before he died. They sit together under the pine forest, morning to night, all day. They let their body die in freezing. But they wont let their love die, let this love sprung like seeds.

A Star For You

I live in different world from him. I become someone who invisible by eyes. He can’t touch me, he can’t hear me even … he can’t see me whenever I am beside him. All night, I see him suffer in sadness because of me. I try to explain to him that I am okay above here, that I feel free to live in huge space here and I never go far from him whatever and whenever he remembers me. But, it is not my capacity to do that, I am not able to do that because our world already different.
“Just forget her Edward, she already gone !”
He smiles to his close friend, Eric, “I try to forget her. The more I try to pull off her presence harder for me to do that”.
“What can I do for you man ?” asked Eric. Edward shakes his head “Just be with me as usual, that’s friend is for”
*****
I fly to him, watch him gently. Whenever he reminds me, I just come to fly next to him. I see him lie on his bed in silent. I can see how suffer he is. I remember, one day he had told me that he couldn’t stand to live without me, I thought he just teased me, only was sweet words for me. But now, I am seeing him in sadness and loneliness because of me.
“Edward, I am here” I said. “Can you feel me ?”. I nod down, he never feel that I am beside him. “I feel glad you keep your words that you will take care yourself, you must be strong. I know you will”. I try to touch his hand, yes, I can touch him but all I see my hand only a transparent light for him.
*****
“Hi Edward, it is too nice that you come to my party”, one girl who name Norin greets him.
“Uhm, yes. Happy birthday” Edward shakes her hand. At once Norin smiles to him. She likes Edward too much.
“Well, thank you. So, what is present for me ?”. A present ? don’t ask that. Edward comes to her party it just present for her, he never give present to other girl beside Vivian, his girlfriend.
“Uhm … I don’t bring any. Next time okay” Edward said. Next time will be the thousand next time for him, because he is not serious to say that. He just acts to be friendly person tonight.
“Oh, okay. Next time will be fine for me. I will come to other guests, have enjoy the party Edward” Norin walks away.
Edward looks for Eric. He had promised to him that he would come tonight also. But no one in this place looks like Eric.
“Are you going ?” asked Edward by phone
“I am on my way … home I mean” answered Eric
“Look, what is your plan ask me to come to her party while you had promised me to meet here then suddenly you said … you are on your way … home ?”
“Sorry, man. I had promised to Norin that you would come. At before I wanted to come, but seems I couldn’t cancel my meeting today. Then … if you ask me to come there, sorry man … I am too tired”
“You are one in million. You just tricked me” Edward walks to go out
“Edward will you listen to me?”
“What things that I have listen to you, Eric ?”
“Enjoy the party, at least be a good man for her birthday just once”
“But I am not enjoying here. What suppose I have to be a good person for Norin even on her birthday. Am I her boyfriend or somewhat?”
“You can be if you want” laughed Eric
“And I tell you, there is no funny right now. I am going okay, with or without your allow”
“Come on … what is bother you ?”
“No one is bother me, but it is not the way you have to do with me Eric”
“I do this because I want you to know about her. She is a good girl for you. I just want to see you start your life”
“And now … who has to be concerned ? I have life and so do you. If you say I have no life so, how I still here until now. I don’t need Norin to make my life”
“If you don’t need Norin or other girl, so what you need for ? Vivian ? Edward, hear me carefully … she has gone. She already died !”
*****
I fly next to him. Lie beside him. I see his tears but I can’t hear he cries.
“I miss you Vivian, really miss you” Edward said
“I miss you too. Too much” replied me, but he can’t hear it
“I move my life like you had told me, but I can’t let anyone replace you, is it wrong ?”
“Is good you move your life, I had seen all. No one can replace me, and it is not wrong” he still can’t hear me.
“Then, why people around seems force me to forget you ? how come I do that ?”
I hug him even he can’t feel it “You don’t have to forget me, you can keep me as your memory. People do that because you deserve to have good and happy life”
*****
I died because flight accident. That time I went home from duty trip from other city. In that plane, there was someone waited me in arrival alley. To pick me. Edward. He said he wanted took me for dinner in skyline which placed above the building. So we could see stars around us. I never knew, that night he would ask me to marry. And he never knew that night I would say something that he never heard from me, that I love him.
“I am sorry man, I didn’t mean to do that suck with you. Became match maker” Eric said
“I know, don’t feel sorry okay. I am fine”
“I am too worry about you. A year passed, but you still can’t forget her. I want my old friend back. I want you take back as before Vivian died, as before you met her, as before …” Edward interrupts Eric
“I still same, I just need time to set up all things first. I feel thank you still here as my good friend. I owe you much”
“Is it good decision that you will leave your job and move to other town ?”
“I hope so. I take my saving to buy small land and think to be a grape farmer. It is my time to prove my knowledge in agriculture as my major. Just wish me good okay”
They hug, “I will, send your mail okay. Don’t let me die because of worry” Eric laughs
“Sure, I will let your inbox full of mine” Edward laughs “Take care !”
“Take care !”
“Uhm … there is something I want you to know” Edward said
“What ?”
“I just need time for my own. When I am ready, I am sure God will send me another girl for me”
*****
It is hard time for Edward to start his new life, become a grape farmer. He hires two persons to help him. Start from cultivate the land, put the seed, watering and harvest time.
He learns bit by bit. The first harvest is worked. They sell their fruits to market and gain good profit. After that, he buys more land for his field. He becomes a grape farmer, a vineyard man.
I sit beside him as usual. We sit in small tent above the field. There are many stars above us.
“It is quite same stars that I want to show you that time. Polaris”
“Polaris, what is that ?” asked me even he can’t hear me
“North star. When you get lost just see this star. Polaris always the lightest star from among stars”
I smile to him even he can’t see me. Seems he knows that I need explanation about that
“From the tale that I read, Polaris will wish your hope. That’s why I am here … in this grape field. From this above I can see Polaris whenever I want. It remains me to you”
*****
I have no much power to reach that place, seems still far from my sight. But I have to try to keep fly as high and as far as I can. To the Polaris.
“How dare you come here” I hear a sound but can’t interfere is it woman or man
“I dare to do everything as long as I can reach to Polaris” said me
“It is cut your border”
“I know … just let me reach that Polaris, I have one wish”
“Do you think you are still human who have wish ?” the sound is getting deeper
“I do, because I want to fulfill human wish. He never tell me his wish but I know what wish whenever he sees Polaris”
“Try to trick me young girl ?” the sound get anger
“I am not. No matter how you not allow me to get there, but I will through that. Just take few steps to go there”
“Are you dare ?”
“What for I am afraid ? I already died, I have to be in hell first before come to heaven that is the rule. No matter how loss my power to go there but I still have to go there”
“Why ?”
“Because I want to fulfill his wish !”
Suddenly, I feel my body throw to deepest hole, black and cold. Too cold as my creature, I become an ice. I throw deeper and deeper, change into hot degree that can melt my meat and bones at once crack.
“A star light is from the sun, the more heat the sun the more light the star is” the same sound pounder from my back
“Is fine, I can stand it” I feel melt like an ice in summer which change because global warming.
“What is his wish ?”
“So, you are the Polaris, the north star ?”
I see the huge shape front of me, light too light.
“What is his wish ?” the sound asked to reply
“My beautiful light Polaris. It might happen once for me. He had wished to see me, to touch me, to hear me and too feel me”
“So dare his wish, Not allow … !”
“We are two part just separate because of time and dimension. You have thw sun to give you light, but him ? he needs something to lighten his life again”
I feel my body throw deeper from my last step, I can’t see the light again. All I see just hole, black hole
“Once and never reply”
*****
It is the second harvest time for two year. Its mean, he had been here for two years. Work day and night to his field. Always wake up when rain come, cover all the seeds from rain. Even had to make him in mud.
The night harvest always makes happiness not only for him but also for his workers, because they will see their treasure.
“Polaris again” Edward said gently
“Have a wish ?” asked me
Suddenly he move his head to my sound, he can hear me. I hold my throat keep not to scream.
“I have, is that you Vivian ?” he stick his hands around him try to search where am I stand
“Yes, is me” I touch his cheek so warm, not alike my hand which so cold
“That cold, is it your hand ?” I feel his tears around my fingers
“Yes, it is”
“What take it so long to appear like this ? I wait this moment quite long”
“I know. In that long I always beside you” I caress his face, so warm
“I always remind you, you fill my heart” I see him smile
“I know. Close your eyes, try to see me how I look tonight?” I touch his eyes. He closes his eyes, with his memories about me that will be my look tonight.
“I am here” I whisper t his ear, he opens his eyes slowly and sees me
“Stunning, you are like my Vivian” he touches my hands my cold hands, he caresses my face my cold face. “I miss you too much, do you know that ?”
I nod once, “I know, that’s why I go to Polaris to make your wish come true”
“Do you ?” asked Edward. I nod again
“I have something to tell you” I smiled. He touch my lips my cold lips. “You are good Edward. Doing all of this. Keep moving and still moving”
“I do this because of you” he kisses me gently to my lips my cold lips “You make me through all of this. Take me with you Vivian, please take me”
“I won’t … I won’t take you. There are many things you still do here” I smile to him “Is not my aim to take you when you can as close as to me like this”
“I will lost” he said shortly
“You won’t. Whenever Polaris still there you won’t lost” I feel my body change slowly. Change into transparent dimension.
“Don’t … “ he holds my hands tightly
“I am sorry, seems my time is close. Edward, you have to keep moving. I become your memory but future is spread widely front of you”
I can feel he still holds my hands but I see my hands are blurring into transparent dimension. She can see my face, touch it softly to my cold face. “I love you Edward” I smile to him until my face fade away and go by change into transparent. He can’t see me again, he can’t touch me again, he can’t hear me again but I am sure he can feel me.
“I know, even that late you said love to me but I had already known Vivian”
“It is nice” I said even he can’t hear me again
“I can feel you from now on”
“Wow … it is nice” I feel my body pull so hard, there is light spread around the grape field. Pull me harder to the sky. Something takes me to the top. I become a bullet who has light over the surface, as yellow as the sun.
“And I can see you as a star” Edward closes his eyes, feels my presence as different creatures.

Ryza Febriasty

You Are My Angel

I am a lonely person in this wide big world. I am less to talk among billion people in this planet. I am a loner in many crowded places. The point is, I like to live alone.
But, everything is changed after I met her. She was such an angel for me. At least for me only, even I know she can be an angel for others also. As I know in short of, she was a different girl from the most girls who I ever met.

#####

“Hi …, can I join with you ?”
It is not a first time a girl asks same question to me. Usually I just smile to them and remain silent until I finish my meal. But, this one … seems forces me to be a different person in a minute.
“Sure”
“I don’t like to eat alone” she smiled gently to me. I reply her smile at once. Truly, I don’t like to be friendly to a stranger like this.
I glance to her meal. She must be a goat I think. How come she eat all those vegetables without meat at all ?. I look to my plate, there are two slices of meat, least peas, carrot and corn which mix into one and a portion fried rice.
“It can kill you bit by bit if you used to eat kind of food”
I stop eating and see to her face. “Do you mean, my food ?” asked me
“Yes” answered her shortly
“Is it your business then ?”
“No. I just tell you what I know. Here, take this … you need more vegetables than me” She put some green things on my plate.“It is spinach which cooks with garlic and pepper. The taste nice”
“Oh, you are not a polite girl. You put something on my plate without my permission”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean like that”
“Enough, you just take my appetite in a second”
It was our first met. That time I stopped by to food stall while I was driving home.

#####

I never know this place before, but my friend told me that it was a good place to enjoy summer holiday. So I go to this place because my friend told me that. I suppose to come with him, but a day before he cancelled to come with me. Her mother asked him to accompany her to meet her sister who live in another city, she just have new baby.
So, here I am now. Driving alone until I reach the place which my friend guides me from his map and least notes in it. Well, is not a big deal for me. Having alone summer holiday like this. Meanwhile, I like to being alone.
I have passed 2 hours in driving. I decide to stop by to have lunch and rest in rest area. I order chicken noodle and ice lemon tea for my lunch. I see green things on top of the noodle. Whenever I put over that green things, a face of that girl come and fade away in mind. I smile suddenly.
“Hmmh … you are not different at all”, there was a voice behind me. I turn my body and I feel my heart stop pumping. It is her again.
“Are you talking with me ?” asked me
“Sure. Who else beside you in this place ?”
“Can I join with you ?”
“Oh no … it is enough to share my table with you that time. Right now, I prefer to eat alone”
I see her walk and seat to a table cross over me. Oh … why she has to seat there. She is still in my sight. She can take my appetite again. No matter how annoying she is, I have to finish my lunch in hurry.
I pay the bill and ready to continue on road. From this map, it will take about an hour to go to reach there. “Can I come with you” suddenly that girl show up. She stands with a small handy bag on her left shoulder and medium travel bag in her right hand.
“Just leave me okay”
“Please … can I come with you ?”
“Where do you think I will go ?”
“I don’t know, I just want to come”
“How if I am a bad guy, do you still want to come with me ?” I laughed with showing my front teeth. I just want to put her away from my sight. “Can you stop to bother me please ?”
“You are not a bad guy, I know from the first time saw you. I will not bother you. Look at this … “ she showed me her purse. “I have enough credit card, ATM and money in it”
I shake my head “Excuse me Miss. I go for Holiday, and I won't you appear suddenly and ruin everything” I close my car door and turn on the engine.
“Can I come with you please ?” suddenly she stands front of my car with pity face. I shock for her action. I don’t know why God so mad at me this time until send this girl to me. I look her clearly, she has a long hair until her waist. Deep brown and shiny that tie neatly. Her skin as white as milk and might be soft from the look her hands. I open my car door and stand beside my car.”Look, where is your destination ?”
“Not far from here ? so, its mean you would give me a ride ?”
“okay, not far from here. I do this because you are girl, if you were a man, I wouldn’t do this ?”
In a moment she seats behind me and gets to sleep
“Hey … hey … wake up. What name of your place ?” I said loudly to wake her up
I feel scared about this, how if she is runaway from her home, how if she is runaway after do something criminal, or how if she is crazy and somewhat of this.
“I have no place as my destination”
“What ….!” I stop my car. Seems like I ready to angry toward her. “You said, not far … which far is not far ?. You just give me heart attack”
“Where is your destination ?” asked her
“Where I want to go it is really not your point. Okay, I will take you to near police station. You should be runaway for your home right ? or you should be did something really … really wrong” I turn on the engine and turn back, as I remember few kilometers from rest area I see a police station.
“No … don’t … please” she hold my hand. It is the first time I see a girl cry front of me. “I am not do something wrong and I am not run away from home. Please. We meet again in that rest area it seems my destiny to meet you again”
“So, should I believe for all you said before ?”
“I don’t ask you to believe. You said you came here for holiday, can I come with you ? after that, I promise I will not bother you anymore”
“It is silly”
“It is not. I am Alice” she stick her hand out toward me “It really nice if you take me, I am a cheerful person and hope you enjoy being my friend”

#####

What my friend shows about the place is a village. I open his notes over and over to make sure. I call him also. And it is, the place he told me.
We had booked two room for me and my friend, because he can’t come that room will be belong to her, Alice, at least that is her name the way she told me.
I take my laptop and start to write. I am a college student but I have part time job as a writer. I always use camouflage name for all my written. I don’t like people recognize me. In writing field I used to be called Ghost Writer just because I avoid and never show up to any media. I let the reader sink with their curiosity about me.
A porter said to me, tonight would held festival in beach. I don’t like beach much, I can count how many I go to beach entire life. But, because it is my holiday and I am quite far from city I will consider to go to the beach.
When I write, I will let my mind and my hands tie into one soul. It brings sun turns from day into night. I take bath, change clothes and ready to go to festival.
I have to wait a medium wooden boat to take me to main hotel. The rooms of this hotel are spread into one area which divides by a artificial river. Along the side of ride there are many torches light on. This place wants to bring natural look in modern city nowdays.
A wooden boat come, I seat behind the person who row a boat. He stops to another room and I feel surprise because Alice will be on same boat with me. “Hi … it is nice to see you again” she smiled and talked along until we reach to main hotel. I leave my room key to receptionist and so do her. “Are you plan to go tonight ?” she asked. I don’t answer any for what she asking. “I will go to beach, are you come there also ?”
Oh God … why this person always around me ? can I have peace moment here ?
I turn my body to take my room key again, she just take my passion to go to beach festival. “Hey … am I bother you ?” she ran over me. “What do you think ?” I said. “Okay, just go. Let me stay here” she waved her hand and walked to receptionist to take her key then her shadow disappeared slowly. “Nice …” I smiled and went to the beach to see festival beach.
The festival is too crowded, there are many people loud music. Many people wear custom and dance alongside the beach. I just can stand in 30 minutes after that I return to my hotel. While I sit on wooden boat I see her sit alone in her terrace room. I feel guilty to her. It supposed her to go to festival beach than me. In mind I want to say sorry to her tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning, after bath and dress I go to her room to say sorry, I have been so rude for her since beginning. “Good morning” she smiled. “Good morning” I saw her in pale face and make her skin more white. “Uhm … I just want to say sorry for … last night … uhm …, I mean, since first time I think I become so rude to you” it could be the first time for me to say sorry to a girl.
“Is okay” she smiled again. “So, have any plan for today ?” asked me. She shakes her head once “No, I want to take rest”. Ya, I can see her skin is so pale today but I don’t ask anything again. She just close her door

#####

Almost two days I never had seen her. I walk along the beach, after the festival beach I never missed to see sun set. Meanwhile for me, to see this amazing time quite hard when I return home later. I sit after find my favorite place to see sun set.
“Is it beautiful right ?” someone sit behind me, “Yes, it is” answered me. She is Alice. “God is giant in this world, you know that ?” she said. I nod. “And we are human just toy things for God” I looked at her, her face is not pale anymore. “Do you like to see that sun set when you in this hotel ?” asked me. She shakes her head at once “No, it is first time. And lucky me, I find you again” she smiled.
“Oh we always meet in unexpected condition” I laughed, it could be the first time I laughed that freely to a girl. “You have girl friend?” asked her. I smile not because her question but because her brave ask that to me “No, is it a rule that man should has a woman in his life ?”.
“No, is not a rule but it is a fate” she smiled to me. When the sun shines orange shines to her, I can see that color in her cheek. I can’t believe I just see a beauty. It is not first time for me to see beautiful women but it will be first time for me to see beauty that can’t describe with words. “Why are you staring me like that ?” asked her then smiled. “No, is fine” I lied, off course I have to lie I don’t want became a foolish.
“So, do you have boyfriend ?” asked me. “What a question is that ? “she stared my eyes. “Just question as like as you ask me” once again I see a smile that I never had seen before. Smile to relieve and to be free. “Few times …, but for now … I haven’t” I laughed to hear that. We stay there until dinner come. Talk everything, world, nature, faith, God until small things like stone which turn into sand. She believe about alien, ghost, monster, even angel and me, I prefer to believe un-fiction things, technology, gadget and invention. We are different creatures but this is the first time for me to talk that long with a girl.
We meet again in dinner time, we agree to have dinner. I really don’t know is it dinner date or what ?. It is not first time for me to have dinner with a girl but it will be first time for me to have a dinner with a girl like her. I wait her on my seat. I must be crazy because of this. What am doing right now ? my intention to come here is for holiday and catch much inspiration for my writing. But, I met her first who put her meal on my plate without my permission, second met her at rest area who beg to me to come with me and third here I am with her.
She come with white gown, she is fascinating woman as I see that time. “I offer all this because I think you like this kind of food” I teased her. “I am, if I don’t eat those vegetable it will bring to my death sooner” she smiled and nod her head down. “Do you think after this holiday end, we can meet again ?” asked me. “ What do you think, do you want to meet me again ?”
“If you want, I want to meet you again” I just looked at her. Seems It will be last night I see her that close. I am too afraid to forget how she look, her face, her hair, her skin, her smile, and I am too afraid to forget her as Alice. “You believe an angel ?” asked her “No, what should I believe an angel ?”.
“One person has one angel. It is a gift from God to us” she said deeply. “So do you think you have an angel ?” asked me. She nod “Yes, I have. When I was kid I have a dog pet his name is Dotty. Because he was Dalmatian, he had dots all over his body. He was died when he saved me from a car which almost hit me after I was going from school”
I want to laugh, how come a dog can be an angel for human. But for this time, I leave my arrogance side. “As an angel, what he had done for you ?” asked me “He always guards me”. I Just don’t get it how come mature girl like her still believe that tale.
We start to talk many things. When I am with her, everything looks easy. Or might be she brings a warm for me. “It is my favorite piano song, have you ever heard this one ?”. I really seldom hear piano solo song list “No, what is this ?”. “It is December, played and arranged by George Winston, from December Album, the title is Thanksgiving”. Truly, i am impressed about her knowledge in this kind of song. “Come with me”. She walks slowly into ballroom hotel and talked to a piano player. What i am thinking right now, will not wrong. “Will you dance with me ?” see ... she always reads my mind. “I never dance in this kind of rhythm” i show beg face to her. “Nice, it could be a first you”. She takes my hands slowly “Just follow my signs and everything will be fine” said her with smile.
She stands close to my chest and i hope she can’t hear my heart beat too fast. Because i am nervous and i am feeling shy many eyes are seeing us right now. She lie her face on my shoulder “This song is a last song which accompany me to dance with my dad” she whispered to my ear. “Why should be last song ?”. “My dad just passed away a month ago”. I hold her more tight than before and let her cry in her memories on my shoulder. “It is really first time i dance with this song again” her voice more slowly than before, i can’t see her smile again but i try to smile to her “And it is my first time to dance like this” i can hear her laugh, and it is enough to see her smile.
I know it must be hurry for us, we just a week to know each other. From an unexpected condition until we make this into purpose condition. I want to try to love her, i hope she will try the same way.
This morning i come to her room, i see two people come and go from her room. That room should be cleaned, so i will wait her in main hotel to have breakfast together like we promised last night, to meet again at breakfast.
I leave my key to a receptionist because after breakfast we will go to some places “Sir, there is a message for you” a young receptionist gave me a letter in white envelope. It should be from agency because i told them that i stayed here for a a week. It could be invitation to discuss about my writing project. I take that envelope with me. I sit at same place where i have dinner with Alice last night. I wonder why there is no address even name on the envelope, is it deliver by a currier or somewhat ?. I tear the envelope.

.
“It was beautiful night with you. I am so thankful and grateful when i find you, especially when i meet you and have chances to know you more. I will memorize our dance as like as i memorize my last dance with my dad. I Had found an angel since long, i hope you will find your angel also.
Alice”

.
At first time i know, how hurt my heart is. I just loose someone that i am looking since long.
A year passed by, since that i became a different person especially in writing. Slowly i let world see me, i am not hide anymore. For one purpose only, whenever she sees or hears anything about me i hope she will come to me.

#####

I had graduated for my collage, i become an architect. My last public project was luxury apartment in main city. After that, i open medium company with my two close friends. Whenever i remind to Alice i will hear Geroge Winston-Thanksgiving, if it is not help i will go to the beach where we talked lot of things for first time. I miss her, want to feel her in my hold again, want to see her smile, and want to see her laugh again.
One day, i see the advertisement about ballet concert which compilation with George Winston. I buy one VIP ticket tonight. I want to see George Winston closer. It is started with a ballerina group from Asia, continue to Europe group. It is the first time i see a concert like this. In closing session George Winston will play one song from December Album. I ask by myself, which song he will play. When he starts to the first note, i just know he will play thanksgiving. I smile relieve.
I see a beautiful woman come from the alley and dance around the piano. She wears white from top to toe. Seems like a real angel for the first time. At the moment, i know it is Alice. I am freezing. Looking her in elastic movement and gestures. She can be an angel if she wants that time. I feel my tears running down see her, how deep i miss her.
After the concert, i go to stage back just to meet her, but once again I loss her. But i never give up. I look much information about the concert. Until i find everything about her. She is not Alice, it is not her name. But her name is Angel.
Should i come to meet her ? i have her address studio. How if she goes just because in purpose ?. How foolish i am just appear suddenly and say to her that i miss her and i love her since first time we dance in hotel ballroom.
Tonight i decide to go her studio, at least it is not private place because it offers course ballet also. I wonder and ask myself, if we leave in some city why God not let us to meet each other. Even in garden, mall, restaurant, groceries store and somewhere. Why God should make like this. I enter to the studio. I see some pictures hang over the wall. All about ballet solo competition, why i never know that Alice or Angel is a famous ballerina ? where my knowledge gone that far that night when i danced with her ?
“We are almost close sir, you can come next morning right at 9 am”.
I turn my body and see her as real creature not as fiction who always come in my dream. “Can i come earlier than 9 am ?” i won’t let my sight off from her. I just want to stare everything she does, i am too afraid to lose her again.
“Why you want to come early ?” asked her
“Because i want to meet Angel before everyone sees her” i walk slowly close to her
I tie her right hand with my handkerchief to my left hand “Because i don’t want to see you disappear again” i hold her “don’t you see, i had tied your hand that tight”

#####

My feeling can’t be described in words. I spend day and night with her. I feel warm side of me just back. “I will take you to my workplace tomorrow” i smiled to her. “What for ?” asked her, “to show you a house that i make for our living” he smiled in redden face. I hug her “Tomorrow okay, just wait”.
Next morning, I go to her studio to pick her up. My heart bit faster when I see an ambulance front of her studio. I see Angel just lie when paramedics get her into an ambulance car. I grab to follow her in. “Are you still have family with Ms. Angel ?” one paramedics asked me, I nod. It is just a way to let me in to this car. I see her close eyes, but thankful she still breathes.
Almost two days she is still in crisis. Her eyes not open yet. I wonder why there is no family with her. Is she a orphanage ?. There is only one person who always waiting a like me. She must be not her mother because her face not resemble. “I am sorry, may I know who … “, she interrupted me “You can say me as the person who close with her since she was born”. I sit beside her and listen what she says.
“Her mother passed away after she born. Her mother has leukemia but forced to keep her even doctor said it would be dangerous for her. Ms. Angel lived as a lonely kid after her mother died. It made her father married again, at that time I could see how happy she was. Her step mother was a ballerina. Her step mother name was Alice. When Mrs. Alice had concert I remembered, that time Ms. Angel cried that loud ask her not to go. But concert already set up. Mrs. Alice went with her group then Ms. Angel went to his father”
She stops as I stop to breathe.
“I know why Ms. Angel asked her mother not to go. Because she had said to me, a night before concert she dreamed her mother died in car accident. I told her again and again that day I just was a dream. But it was not dream at all. The accident happened and Mrs. Alice died”
She cries but I can’t cry that time. I just feel my heart crush.
“Since that, Ms. Angel tried to be a good ballerina. And she did. She had concert start form Asia, continue to State then to Europe”
I smile when I remember that time when she asked me to have a ride and promised not will bother me because she has enough credit card, ATM and money in her purse. I just didn’t know that time, she was so sad and wanted to find place to forget all behind her.
“She became a tough person after Mrs. Alice died. But, after her father died he became weaker. She had said to me what for she lived after her father died also, she has nothing even she has no love in this big world”
I smiled again, she is just like me a person who has no love in this big world. But after I met her, I knew how love it was like.
“I suggested her to go to vacation a month after his father died. And she did. A week before she went, I found her faint in her bed. I took her here, in this hospital. We just knew he had leukemia also”
I stand from my seat and walk closer to the wall. It sounds like a bang for me. I remind how she liked to eat vegetable and how she said if she was not regularly eat that it just brought her died sooner. And how come I thought it just was a joke ?.
“She still went but she said that she didn’t any place to go. One day, she called me that she went to beautiful village with good man with her. That time she felt her condition weaker, after she called me. I went there to take her home”
That day, could be a last day they meet. Angel just left a letter for me, not in purpose to leave me but because she was totally sick.
After that day, she never go anywhere to far. And she decide to open course ballerina studio, because she knows, she is not able to dance anymore. Last week was a last concert for her. She tried hard to win to dance compile with George Winston. Because …”
“It was a last song which danced with her father. After her father died, she danced again in that song with me in ballroom hotel” I continued her words.
“Yes, she said to me also. She never said even told me who was that man. But I know that man is you at first I see you”
A doctor come out, tell to us that she allow to visit. I let that women enter first than me. After that I come to see her.
It is too good to see her smile again, even she cries. “Can you take me to the home you make for us. You had promised to me right ?. I had promised not disappear again so, it Is your turn” I lift her body to mine, hug her tightly “But promise me you will not go anywhere okay” I whispered to her ear. “I will not go anywhere”

#####

With doctor permission, two paramedics come with me and that woman also to a house that I make for us.
“Oh, look am I criminal look there too many person in here, can I have private moment please” she said to two paramedics and that women. I can’t believe in this condition she still can make a joke like that.
I hold her hand to look entire house. “It still empty space, because you are truly ballerina I will make this space for your studio” she hold my hand more tight and whispered “Thank you”.
“And this is my space for draw, it will be nice hear the song and see you dance when I work” she kissed my cheek.
“And this is my favorite spot. Room terrace. Because it is hard to find near beach in here, so I replace with mountain view from here. I hope you like this”
“I do, I can hear the sound of wind and birds also from here”
I nod, and sit to my favorite wooden seat. I lift her into my lap, she just lie on my holding like a baby born. “I love you” she stared my eyes deeply “I love you”. I caress her hair “I am sorry” my tears are felt on her face “Why are you crying ? I am here and not go anywhere” she smiled. “Yes, I know you. You will not go anywhere ?”
“If I close my eyes, I will see my two mothers wait me and my father show his hands to take me”
“So don’t close your eyes, just look at me. Am I not too handsome to see ?” I tried to make her laugh. But she just smile “You are perfect. I have two angels now”
I wipe my tears “Two ? that’s many. You said one person has one angel”.
“I just give the old one to the women who takes care me since baby, and the new one is you. I can see my Dotty Dog bark sign agree to my decision”
“So, don’t close your eyes, sometimes dog bark is too noisy, just stare at me” I hug her more close to me, close to my face.
“If I stare at you, I just see you cry” she said.
I hear two paramedics come and wait to the door next behind us. “Have you found your Angel ?” asked her.
“I have. Since I met a girl who asked me danced in ballroom hotel. You are my angel. Your name is resemble to your presence for me”
“That nice”, she stared at me and kissed me “I love you” she whispered to my ear. “I love you” i kissed her and whispered to her ear. I see she smiles once and closes her eyes.
I realized she just left me to the space that I couldn’t touch. She can leave far from me, but she can’t go too far from my heart. Because she is my angel who has to accompany me until I die and hope we can meet in heaven.

Ryza Febriasty

When Love Has to Choose

Time shows to 9 am, the operator says the train is ready to leave the railway for second times. Her echo voice fills the air in train station, some people in hurry to ride into the train, some people still sit to wait another train schedule, some people stand aside to pick their relatives, and me who sit on this old wooden long seat with medium bag travel on my lap search one person whom I wait in last two hours. At once, I open my cell phone to check whether any call or text show up but there is nothing I can see for last two hours.
I stand up, my right hand lifts my medium bag travel left hand holds my handbag and a small piece of paper. I squeeze that letter make it into small ball then throw to the floor. My eyes still search same person but still can’t find any sign. I nod my head, look to a letter and I start to walk slowly. Slowly to aside and walk away from the train station.

A year passed
I open a small wooden box on my lap. I find some movies ticket, some letters, some dry flowers, some food place bills, some photos and one small white close envelope. I know exactly what contain is, but I still open that envelope ‘I never known even we never known that we just ended’ I read it. I find one photo inside there is two persons with big smile, Scott and I. We just a perfect happy couple that time but something just blast like a time bomb and make us separate. My memories remind back in time ;
“I think it is perfect time to tell you” said Scott
“What is that ? what you want to tell me ?” asked me
“It should be ended” replied Scott
“Oh … you must be tired, uhm … okay … lets we go home, I will drive for you” I hold his hand and ask him to follow me to walk. This night Scott takes me to the beach, we like to walk under the stars while full moon shines brightly. Let our naked feet step down soft sands.
“Cate, we should end this. You and I”
“What do you mean ?” I let my hand from his hand, stare his eyes like I stare many stars tonight
“We should end, You and I” replied same sentence to me
“You mean … you want us break up ?”, I see him nods down look to sands, seems he doesn’t want to see me.
“What is wrong, have I some mistakes with you ?, there is third person between us ? or what ?”
“No, it is not like that. I just feel … I lose myself in this relationship. More and more we through this, more I feel … I am empty”
“I don’t get it, really. You lose yourself and feel empty ? Oh please Scott … be serious”
“I mean it. I can’t through this more over with you. Let we end this”
I still stare him, I feel my blood is going up to my neck, I feel my heart beat faster, I feel my legs are stiff, and I feel my tears are down on my face.
“Tell me the truth … do you love me ?” asked me, but he still in silent, nod down look to the sands. “Please tell me … with your most brave you have … Scott … look at me, do you love me?”
“I don’t know” he rises up his head and his eyes stare at me “I am sorry, I don’t know”
I feel my body shake like one big grizzly is ready to eat me, I laugh seems like I laugh for what he said “You moved from your apartment to mine, we had slept together. But … you don’t know … are you love me or not ?”. I walk closer at him “I will think I am in dreaming right now, I will go home by taxi, and tomorrow I will wait you at train station, do you remember … we plan to go to the hill ?. Good night Scott, see you tomorrow”.
But, he never showed up in train station and that time I just know we just ended. I never met him again, never heard any news about him, and for me … I never tried to search him even looking for some news about him. I had made him as memories in mind, in heart and in pain.
I close the envelope, close the box and put it on my lap. I hold my fingers into my chest, in this way I can’t feel my heart in pain. I touch a ring on my sweet fingers, a wedding ring. I realize I had been married with someone else as I am sure I had been his wife for two months. Good man, I can say good person for me, for being my husband, but this person totally not Scott.
Our wedding become lie and fake, I don’t love him and either he does. We meet in family match-maker. I never seen his weaknesses, he just … perfect … for me. Have a good job, a good position, behave attitude, good looking, he just … fine and perfect for me. But I don’t love him. I understand how weary my parents heart see me in longing sadness and lonely. Until one day, my parents asked me to meet him, I really hadn’t no idea that time. I came to meet him in one exclusive dinner. We didn’t talk much that time. As my sight, I thought he didn’t much time to have a date. All his life is just for working. I still remember what he said to me that night “Cate, let make this simple for us and please make it good for our parents. It will be nice if we try to marry”.
I have a good rumbling art store, have good friends, have good life and especially I have good husband. He knows and I know that there is no love between us. But, we both know how we try to make love comes one day. He is the most behave person that I ever met. He agrees with my rules, we will not sleep in same room before we are ready. I never known when I will be ready either he had.
“Cate ? are u there ? can I come in?”, I hear he knocks my room door. “Yes, sure, coming in”. “What time you have to be in ready to go to party ?” asked him. “Party ? what kind of party ? a formal one ?” asked me. I see him nods. “Right now ?” asked me again. “Yes, right now. Is thirty minutes enough for you Cate ?”. “What kind of party ?” I stand up and walk to other room, clothes room. “Welcoming new branch office” answered him, “Okay, 30 minutes is enough for me. I will wear this. See you for next thirty minutes okay” I take white backless gown on my hand and am ready for rest time I have.
The party fills with speech and speech, it just makes me bore. We sit in medium round seat with glass round table. “It is my turn now” he whispers, “Oh, okay … good luck” I smile. I look him in detail. I look how he walks, how he speeches on stage, how professional his behave, and how he looks at me at once while he speech. After half an hour I feel glad, too glad because he asked me to leave. We walk side by side, he holds my hand “Is it fine to hold you like this ?”, oh … how come he asked like that. Off course he can. He is my husband. “Oh … yes … it is fine”. He is too careful with me, I feel there is far between us. “Mark, before I forget. You look great tonight” I smile, “Thank you, and you look great also. I don’t know you like white color and white looks fit with you” he replies to smile.
We are still in silent until we reach at home, we walk to stairs and enter into room ourselves. “Mark, can we talk bit ?” I ask him before he enters his own room, “Sure, what do you want to talk ?” asked Mark. I walk closer to him and enter to his room. “Something wrong with the party ?” asked him, “No …, the party was fine” I look over me, his room. I sit on his bed and feel strange to this place. Beside me, there is a big window where I can see our back garden with night sky above it. “Mark, I feel sorry” I squeeze my fingers on my lap. “Why you feel so ?” he sits beside me. “We had been married for two months, but I never done nothing as your wife”
“What you mean ?” asked him, “I am sorry, really … I still can’t make this. I still let you sleep alone here, I suppose …” Mark interrupts me “No … no … we had the rule right, we will do that, when we are ready. I don’t want to ruin with this” he says in lower voice.
“Mark, you don’t ruin anything, but me … the one who ruin all”, “Cate, we need time, I mean … I married you not because want you for just sexual things like that, we will do that when we are ready okay” I feel more guilty, I can see how careful he is to me. “Mark … “ I nod down, squeeze my fingers more tight “Mark … “, “Yes, what ?” asked him “You are not first man who will that with me, I have done this before, before you … before I met you … I am not virgin anymore“
At once he stares to my eyes then moves his head to the window, “Cate, can I have private moment ? would you please go from my room, I really need to sleep right now”

*****

“Cate speaking, can I help you Sir ?”
“I am glad to hear your voice Cate”
I hold my breath, “Scott …”
“Yes, I am. Can we meet, I promise won’t take your time much. Just for welcoming small lunch. I will wait you in same place. See you”
He just go away like ghost and suddenly come like a storm, if I meet him will it wrong ?. But I won’t lie, I still love him, I miss him, and really want to see him.
I count minute to minute, wait for lunch time. When time shows 12.30 PM, with hurry I ride my car to one place where I can meet Scott again.
He sits in same place, I see him smile at me. How come he can smile like that to me ?, is he ever know how pain my heart ?, have he known that I married ?, does he know what I feel ?.
“Scott …”
“I am, please sit Cate, don’t just stand like that”
“Why you call me ?, why you suddenly come ? what you want ?”
“Cate, please”
“Oh please Scott, what mean of all this. Want bring my memories back again ?”
“If I can do that, I will do that”
“What for ? last time you said to me, you don’t know are you love me or not”
“I want to explain Cate, all …”
“I will listen, but It won’t change any”
“Cate, that time, I made an option for myself. How deep my love was, I compared it with my love to myself. I thought if I loved myself than I loved you, means that … I would lose myself more and more when I still with you. I felt trapped in a boundary tie with you, and I was afraid, I can lose what real me … if I more and more with you”
“You had chose your option Scott, so what you will do”
“I want you back Cate, I moved to other country to forget you, lived and worked there, try to make new relationship with a girl, but stil … I can’t forget you”
“Scott, is too late”
“Cate, you are the only one in my heart. Give me a chance to re-build what I had ruined”
“Scott, is too late” I stand and take my hand bag. I am ready to go from here, I feel and think did something wrong, because I came here to meet him.
“Why you said ‘is too late’, what I miss from you Cate ?”
I show him my sweet finger “Scott, I have been married” I hold my tears hide my face from him, I walk fast to move away from his stares. The way he stares seems bring my pain back.
“Cate … “ he walks behind me, grabs my left hand, sees my sweet finger where I put my wedding ring “I know … and you know, we still love each other, don’t hide that from me”
I pull out my hand from his hand, walk faster “I am sorry … I am sorry cate” he holds me from back, holds me to stop walk, I can hear he is crying. “You never known how strong I try to forget you Scott, you never known how pain my heart, you never known how I suffered in longing alone and sadness. You never known any Scott” I nod down, all I said was in deep and low voice. I cry while my hands hold his hand tight.

*****

We meet again several times just for breakfast or lunch. Slowly my memories with Scott remain back and same again. Every night I wait his calls or his texts to me, even just for say “Good night Cate”, “Good night Scott”. I don’t know what I love him or no, I just run in into this situation. I don’t know is this affair or no, I really don’t know should I stop or continue this, I just don’t know should love being and remain like this.
I hear Mark’s door closes. I feel sorry with Mark, for this lie and fake wedding, being worst wife for him, should I tell him. Should I choose ? so, who will I choose ?. I don’t know what I am going in, is it true or not. If this true, what the sign is ? If this not true, how should I end ?. Love can’t be two. If I make this into two, it won’t be fair always. I am sure and very know love must be one, if I make this one, it will remain fair for me.
“Mark, can I come in ?”
He opens the door and please let me to enter. I see him as a perfect man in my eyes, I can’t hide this any longer, I can’t lie this any longer, and the most important is I can’t see him in hurt.
“Mark, I won’t hurt you any longer. I want to divorce”
I see him stand in stiff, at once he raises his head up then nods down “If this all you want, I will make this”.
He let me alone in his room and he goes down. I can hear his car engine from this window I see he is going out and I have no idea where he will go.

*****

Scott takes me to the beach. Same place where we broken that time. I sit on sands, let my naked feet touch soft of sands. “Cate, why you more silent today ?” asked Scott. “Nothing” answered me shortly.
He holds my hand, caresses my face, stares me deeply, I know … I know … I can feel that, he loves me with sincere. I can feel that, how hard he tries to re-build what he had ruined. He knows how to make comfort in his side, I think only him knows it. He kisses me slowly right on my lips, parts of me want to refuse but the rest seems say ‘no … please no …, let it be this way’.
“Cate, I really miss you, tell me what should I do to make you as mine ?” I hear his sound is weary. I kiss him back slowly right on his lips, long, soft and deeply. “I love you Cate, I am sure you know that. Tell me, what should I do ?” we still kiss with tender, longer and deeper than before.
I pull my head from him, I stop “I hate you Scott. You said you would lose yourself more and more when you still with me. You felt trapped in a boundary tie with me and was afraid because you could lose what real you … if you more and more with me”
“And look what I did, I had lied to my family, had lied even more lied to my husband. I can’t do this Scott”
I stand, look to the beach for the last time “Good bye Scott, love sometimes can come in wrong time, but I can’t do this. Love should be one and I can’t have two”. I run to leave Scott there, try not to notice he calls my name again and again. I wipe my tears take my cell phone from my bag.
“Mark”, Why you don’t ask me why I want to divorce from you ?”
“If I ask that, will you answer honestly ?’
“I will”
“Cate, I won’t ruin your life anymore”
“No, listen. Listen to me. Mark, in past few weeks, I met someone, a man, my x-boyfriend. A man, whom …. Whom … I ever slept with him once before … before we met. Before you asked me to become your wife”
“Cate” Marks interrupts me, “What is your past is really not such a big deal for me, are you virgin or not, no matter for me. Are you widow or something else really no matter for me. All I want from you just … your honesty to me”
I can’t talk any longer because I hear Mark just end my call.

*****

Today divorce letter come, I had seen it. I still don’t know what to do. Should I tear that letter, burn it or keep it. I put that letter on the Mark working desk. I wait him in his room, to talk about this, this letter. No one between Mark and I sign this letter. I will let him do first.
I hear slow step is coming into Mark room, I am sure he just coming. He enters his room, light on table lamp beside his bed. He sees me on his bed. He just silent and sit down on his working seat. There is I put that letter. He reads that slowly and sees me after that. He enters that letter into the envelope.
He walks slowly and walks closer to his bed, he caresses my face “Tell me what should I do ?” asked him. “I have told you everything, after you heard that, what your heart whisper?” I stare him, I see him as usual, a man who just … fine …. Just perfect one for me.
He still in silent, I hold his waist and pulls him to lie beside me, “If that so, don’t do anything with that letter” I hold him, the first time I hold him in this close.
“Mark, teach me how to love you, and I will teach you how to love me” I kiss his eyes, I see him cry and he wipes my tears. “Thank you Mark” I hold his arm tighter “Thank you Cate” he kisses me, the first time he kisses me.
“Please don’t let off your hug Cate” Mark whispers in my ear. “I won’t, and please not let me sleep alone through the night again Mark” I whisper in his ear “I will not let you sleep alone anymore”.

Ryza Febriasty

Being Together is Better than Alone

We both have a tie that is not visible by eyes, but visible through feeling. Caring each other, that makes us feel a part. But I am aware, there is one thing that makes us like this, orphaned. We both children orphaned and living in a simple house with other five children orphaned. We all amount to 7 children, I myself called Zafrina, the sweet long black hair named Senna, the nerd book named Kachiri, and the rest, a group of boys ; the critical curly blond named Afton, the clear-eyed clever named Aro, the dreamer named Corin, and last ... special for me ... the aloner named Garret.

.

We are special children, many times Mother Jasmine says it with sincere to us. Special because although without parents, but we are kind, soft hearted, good behave, talented and have bright future which can see from our eyes. We are only a group of kid age 7 to 10 years. I was 7 years old the youngest and the oldest is Aro. We sleep in one big room with many windows which always close in the evening and always open wide when morning comes.

.

Nothing special in this house, but Mother Jasmine always makes it special. Mother Jasmine always get up earlier than us, wake us up, prepares breakfast, and delivers us with her car to same school. Mother Jasmine is a 45 years old Indonesia-Britain descent woman . She cares us since baby, living alone without a father and a husband. Her father died in a plane accident and her husband died because of diabetes, whereas her mother still live in Britain. Our presence make Mother Jasmine survive. We are not short of living, I think Mother Jasmine have much money to support us. However, she always teaches us how to respect money. After school, we get rest, do school homework then clean the house. Because I am the youngest, my job is only wipe the dust over the room while Senna and Corin sweep the house, Kachiri and Afton wipe the floor, Aro and Garret sweep garden. For washing we have Mother Abun, she has been in this house since we were baby and Mother Jasmine's job is cooking.

.

Today I see Mother Jasmine's cheek getting red, she holds a sheet of paper on her lap "Letter from Mother Makenna ?" asked me, she nods, and caress my hair "Is she fine there?" I sit beside her and she nods. "I am sure Mother Jasmine must be missed her, but don't be sad Mother ... we all here accompany you" once again I see her smiles. Mother Makenna is a mother from Mother Jasmine who stay remain in Britain. "Mother ... how Britain is like ? "Aro suddenly come and sit beside me. "A country in Europe, which has 4 seasons" answered Mother Jasmine briefly. "I know ... spring, autumn, summer and winter" Senna run from inside house and sit beside Mother Jasmine. Mother Jasmine laughs "Wow ... excellent "praised Mother Jasmine.

.

"I just read National Geographic last night" explained Senna . Then I see Kachiri and Afton come and sit with us "Spring starting from March to May, summer starting from June to August, autumn ... uhm ... September through November and winter on December to February" said Kachiri, as a new kid age 8 years old her knowledge is impressive. I see Mother Jasmine smiles and gives praise "excellent ..." said Mother Jasmin, "I pray and hope Mother Makenna is fine". Afton suddenly appears "Mother Makenna is in good healthy, she sends big hug for us. So ... how is school today? ". "Fun" Said Aro. "Tired" Said Senna. "Fun" replied Kachiri "bored" Said Afton. Senna and Afton are in one class, I know certain lesson today is writing no wonder they feel bored. "Wow ... it seems ... a long day for you all" Mother Jasmine laughs. "For today ... this is fantastic" I halt a few seconds, I don't realize how I can perceive what fantastic is. At once the Mother Jasmine laughs louder.
.

"According to you Zafrina, what is fantastic?". I smiles and shakes my head in doubt. "It Is a feeling that we don't want to wake up from a dream world being amaze and happy" Aro who sit beside me try to explain about fantastic. I see him as a perfect older brother, he is handsome and intelligent. "Yes, that is the meaning of fantastic. So ... is that you feeling Zafrina? "Mother Jasmine smiles, and I nod quickly without doubt.
.

"Someone is missing ..., where is Garret?" Mother Jasmine not only ask me but also ask all. "After we sweep garden, I don't see him again Mother" said Aro, while others await further answers from Aro "Perhaps ... as usual ... he is alone, listening to music" Corin suddenly appears and sits side by side with other kids. "Okay, should not be disturbed him. Let him be that way". Mother Jasmine starts telling stories about Britain. I hear for a while, but i am not interesting anymore. So i stand that ready to go for looking Garret, where he is usually listens songs.

.

I run through the back hause, open the door and still run among the high grass. Those grass height are over my shouder. There, I see the old Oak tree with high branches, underneath the Oak tree I see a boy who is sitting alone with a small radio in his hands. Occasionally he is looking above the tress as if he is waiting for the fruit fall from one of the branches, firmly his eyes straight ahead as if waiting for someone comes.

.

I don't want to disturb him, I stop running and walk slowly to Garret and sit beside him, "I am sure you are here, do the same thing" I smile . Yes, because you are the first person who know my secret place". "I accidentally found you here last week, I just searched a place to draw. It happened i have drawing home work, you know... i have to draw trees and grass that time. So I went here and found you"
.

He laughs "It is fine, but keep this place from others if I do like here. Only you and I". I see him with big smile. I show him my litle finger "Come on ... where is your litle finger... let we promise ... only you and I place know this place". We cross the fingers then smile together. "What you hear?" asked me . "Of course the song" he answers shortly "Yes I know it must be songs there ... but what song?". He puts the small radio in my ears. I strain to hear the song but lobger i hear longer i can't hear the singer at all "Oops, what kind of that song?". "Zafrina .... it is piano which play in jazz" he laughs.

.

My eyes rounded, because I don't understand at all what he said about. But I pretend to understand, tonight I will ask to Aro what jazz is. "Why your eyes like that?" Garret laughs louder, "Just ... just ... just ... I am hungry, "I lie. "Oh ..." Garret shakes his head. "You want to come home with me?" I ask him, but Garret shakes his head "You come home first, I do not want Mother Jasmine getting suspicious because we go home together" I nod, stand up and move away. "See you later at home Garret" I wave my hand and run.

.

Why Garret special for me ?, because he trusts me to share his secret place with me. And that place becomes a secret place for Garret and I.

.

In the evening, I ask about Jazz to Aro. "Zafrina, Jazz is kind of music was originally played by people of black skin. Told about the life and nature ". "Oh ... so what are music tools Aro?". "Piano, trumpet, saxophone, guitar are they music main tools". I smile and begin to understand. It looks like a piano ... piano. "You never heard?", "Piano is first music tolls i ever heard. I had heard once from Garret's radio". "Oh ... so ...." Aro seems want to ask another. "Thank you ... good night Aro. I went as fast as I go. Really, I hinder to tell intentionally about secret place, secret palce for Garret and I.

.

*****

.

We hug Aro, I don't undrstand why I am very hard to let my hug off from his arms. "Zafrina ..." Aro caress me softly. I realize that i still hug him while others already let their hug, and the rest see me and Aro on turn. Aro successfully obtained scholarship from the Erasmus Huis to study in Netherlands. "You will go far away Aro" Senna closes her face starts to cry again. I realize Netherlands is far away from where I live now along with friends and Mother Jasmine.

.

"Only few years, I will be be strict in study, keep some money for come here again" Aro promises not only to Mother. Jasmine but also for me, Senna, Kachiri, Afton, Corin and Garret. "Goodbye friends ... I have to go ... I can miss the flight" he laughs, perhaps to cover his sadden. I see Aro hugs Afton, Corin and Garret bit long and kisses Mother Jasmine as well as Senna and Kachiri. But, with me he only caress my hair and stares me deeply. Who will be replace Aro later ? who will be my place to ask everything after Aro leaves ? "Good bye Zafrina, please take care yourself" he says last words for me.

.

He walks slowly leaving us, once again he turns and waves his hands to us. I bite my lips, I never feel lost after i lost my parents and I don't expect lost someone who already live with me since long. I hold my hands tightly, feels warm and comfort. "Do not be sad Zafrina" the voice is soft and quiet. I am aware, Garret had hold my hand since Aro left.

.

*****

.After Aro, Kachiri also goes as a teacher in other city, once again ... I feel lost. Afton who graduate in farming also go to work in one of the governmental department that forces him to live in rural areas to teach people farming. Corin gets scholarship to study in movie industry in in Korea. I am happy to know he gets that scholarship it means his dreams and imaginations could be real in another movie media.

.

In this house just leave Senna, Garret, Mother Jasmine and Mother Abun. Every time I see Mother Jasmine and Mother Abun ... longer I look longer their ages older. After Aro, Kachiri, Afton, and Corin left i become more easily to share my thought with Garret. Not easy for me to share stories with man like Garret.

.

"I have been writing letters to Mother Jasmine, Mother Abun, Afton, Corin, Garret, Senna, Kachiri and the last one is you. Quite hard to live here, the weather is always cold. Unlike at home Mother Jasmine, which is always warm. How are you? I really miss when we go school together, especially your smile" the wind make me stop reading, Aro miss me ?. I smile and continue to read "Pray for me Zafrina, hopefully we can gather soon "

.

****

.

Senna getting marry with her ballet teacher, she met at first time in ballet competition several months ago. A man who is very high with the perfect body shape. Their age difference are only 2 years. Senna decides to go with Siobhan to Russia. I just smiled when I see photo that Senna send sent yesterday. Senna, Siobhan and Abigail their new baby just born. I can see their happiness and when I see Abigail i feel Abigain will become a ballet dancer as both her parents.

.

So here I am nor, live in my own world. I am an author. I don't like to be in front of the screen, I prefer to work behind the scenes. Beside an author I am a member of the Melody Orchestra which often appears in music celebration and big concert. I play piano, the first music tool i heard from a Garret's radio.

.

I leave the house of Mother Jasmine immediately after I receives as piano player in Melody Orchestra. Occasionally I visit the Mother Jasmine and Mother Abun. We all in five -except Senna and Garret- gather at home Mother Jasmine. Afton, Kachiri, and Corin have been married. Afton married a girl in the city of place of work, a feminim girl. Kachiri married to a men who she meet through internet, while Corin married a Korean girl, every time i see her as like as I see a doll, because her skin is pure white, beautiful soft face and shine hair fall over her shoulder. Aro becomes a successful architect, the last building he just made is housing nuances of nature. Impressive. And Garret, a sepcial person in me, becomes a backpacker. I make his true stories in series novels, and in short weeks the novels always be best seller. I transfer the royalti into his account even over and over he refuses it until we make friensdhip-deal, the royalti is partly into two. In that so, Garret agrees meanwhile those money will support him into his adventurous journey.
.

Every night, I always open my email to wait for some news from Garret. At least i know how his life out there. I am lucky this year he will go home, I wait almost every night, he will knock my door apartment with high bag on his shouder I can't wait to hug him.

.

"Zafrina ..." someone caress my face softly, but I am still asleep. It is warm and comfort, I open my eyes slowly, I close my face with my hands, I want to scream but I hold. I don't want my neighbourhood awakened cause of me. I have asked receptionist and security of an entry to let Garret come into my room whenever he comes. What you think .... who doesn't know Garret? everyone seems knows him as an adventurer. He has been became a quite famous person.

.

I hug him and let himself lie by my side, I laugh ... my litle friend, my special friend already come home after a long journey. Last we met about 2 years ago after he returned from his journey with human-boat. His decision to go with human-boat that time really shocked me seems let him strugle on the sea more dangerous than let him go tracking the land.

.

"Don't go again ... Garret, ... is enough" I hug him from his back. "I can be crazy every time I read your story when you are in danger of dying in hunger and cold .... don't go again". I still hug him and my tears start to fall down.

.

*****

.

My presence will not change Garret's intention to continue his mission. I just feel this night, will be last night with him. I sit beside him, she is still as Garret as I know. His face, hair and eyes are still the same ... even if swallowed with difficulties and obstacles in his jorney but he remain same.

.

"I don't know when we have time like this anymore. This may be a good time to talk about this" i pause for a minute then continue to talk "Garret .... Aro proposed me ... What should I do?" my voice hold on my throat. However, Garret keep silent. quite long. I have lost in mind why he such silent like that "Aro is very good man, Zafrina. You are in the right choice. Don't be doubt about that" he stares at me with his warm eyes and caress my face slowly.

.

What? only that ... does he ever know that I like him since I was seven years old ... since the first time he shared the secret place with me ?. And now I realize every stories in his journey make me feel in fear to lost him ? , that I realize ... i had in loved with him. Then now ... how come he said like that ?. Hah ... very ... selfish ... men are selfish. He is not aware. I just don't know when I will meet with him again. Who know the future ? Will he come home in dead or alive ?. And look at me ... how if i am getting older and older ... cause wait him ... wait something unsure while he rundown into his journey ?.

.

This night i feel hard to sleep, I wake up and sit on my bed. I feel relieve because Garret is not go today. I open the drawer from a desk beside my bed and take out a small white box. I stand then walk slowly to Garret's room.

.

I find Garret's big bag and put the small box in it. I smile to see Garret sleep like that, I lie on his side, behind his shoulder. I talk in wishper "Garret, what would you do ... if I marry with Aro ... that means ... like you had said to me in our secret place under the oak tree that time, when i was in 7. You said love should not have to belong each other, love sometimes come at wrong time, and love probably will never be spoken, even spoken ... everything would have been late. Garret, if i can't have you ... is fine for me, if you come in wrong time it will fine for me, even when i can't say any to you ... it is really no matter for me. But, I just ... won't be late to say this" I pause and close my eyes. I wipe my tears. "Garret, I love you".

.

*****

.

In karakoram highway, cold weather could reach zero degree.

Garret opens his notes and start writing, he hopes next morning he can find a good signal to send this article to Zafrina. He takes his pen into his bag and check the his visa and paspor. In there, his hands touch something that he never know and touch before. He takes it out, he sees a mini white apple i pod is on his hand, Garret smiles, he knows who put this thing into his bag. He is sure, must be Zafrina did. He presses a button and opens the playlist, none of the songs in this playlist are well-known, because there is no title. Only the listed numbers of playlist. He presses play button to the top of order. Slowly he hears the sound of piano playing in jazz while Zafrina sings in it

.

oh I love you
Endless time
I lose my mind
Because of you oh I want to kill myself
You are the only love in my life

The only thing there is night

My love you are every breath
That I take
oh I love you
If you go say good bye
But you know this
I will always love you
Bye bye if you go
Say goodbye
But you know this
I will always love you
When it’s hard to say anything
And when I want to see you
Can’t say anything
Can’t do anything I can’t do anything at all

Everyday every night
Every single day
I want you
Please don’t leave me alone
Don’t leave me alone
I want you
I need you love you
I’m gonna take you

.

*****

.

This evening as usual I open my email, hope Garret will reply my email. There are dozens of emails in inbox, but i am only search his name; garret_backpacker@yahoo.com, the second line from the top, I finds his address. I smile and begin to read it. There is an attachment, I open the attachment at first and let the loading complete. It could content his journey photos. After loading complete, what she sees is not alike photos, but real player it Could be his jorney recorded real-time player.

.

In few seconds I hear strain of piano. I feel my heart beat faster. I see karakoram in the wide range of highway with snow-covered. It is my song that I gave to Garret. "Zafrina ..." real player replace the side of camera, Zafrina sees Garret there with thick dark blue jacket, dark color denim and black mountain shoes. "If I was the first person who introduce you a piano and jazz that time, under the oak tree, I would say i am lucky because i can share those things with you. My journey is starting from the Railway Station of Beijing, China. From there I climb to Tibet, cross over to Nepal, India, going down to enter to the west into Pakistan, Iran turn again to Central Asia, beginning from Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, to Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and Afghanistan".

.

I feel shocks when I hear Gerrat will go to Afghanistan. What is he looking to get there ?. He can die if Militant troops catch him or even be killed.

.

"Afghanistan, my adventourus journey must be stopped in moment. Because i have to return home. Zafrina ... Shall you wait me until I come? I will come to take you to go with me, to the corners of the earth, there are countries that we almost never heard, such as Abkhazia, Transdniestr, Ossetia, and Nagorno Karabakh. I don't want to go alone again, I want you be here ... with me"

.

Real player stop, at same time I stop crying.

.

*****

.

Rain over the city all day, after practiced with Melody Ochrestra all day, I take bath and go to sleep, sneaks inside my blanket and my eyes begin to close.

.
I didn't dream any last night. But last night I slept more tight than others night. I felt someone kept her still sleeping. The color behind the curtain looks bit bright, I wonder could be 6 am right now. I move my body, but something holds me back. I see a hand over her arms, holds me tightly like won't let me go. There is someone behind my shoulder who sleep beside me all night. "Don't go ... " that voice sounds deep, soft and warm in her ears. "Garret ...!!!" I hold my breath.

.

I reverse my body to make sure if Garret is beside me. "Thanks for your time ... to wait me return home." my eyes start to cry "Garret ..." I still holding her breath. "Don't say anything" Garret wipes my tears which begin to fall down. "Afghanistan ... really fantastic" Garret smiles "And here i am, return home, beside you to take you with me. I don't want to go alone, I need you. I love you Zafrina" Garret kisses her forehead "I love you Garret, i feel ... feel ... glad ... we not late to say this".

.

Garret hugs me more closely, as if he doesn't want to let himself go. I reverse my body let Garret hold me from back, I won't Garret see me cry over and over again "Zafrina ...., please tell me where you want our marry take place ? Abkhazia, Transdniestr, Ossetia, or Nagorno Karabakh" Gatter smiles. "Married?" I can't say anything. I just hold his hands more tight "Don't worry about the cost ... Geographic Channel will pay all". Geograpbic Channel ?, what is the relation with Geographic Channel from all of this. I can feel Garret smiles behind my shoulder, "I was invited become a host in Geographic Channel". I feel my body is on the less light, Garret and I will be a host in Gepgraphic channel which watch by millions even billions of people in the world as the adventurous couple. "No matter where the marry takes place, all i want ... just you beside me Garret"

Ryza Febriasty