"AUNTIE RYZA, MAY CARRA COME TO HOUSE ?" SHE ASKED BY PHONE. I CANT SAY NO, SO AT NOON SHE CAME TO HOUSE AND PLAYED WITH KHANSA. ALONE WITHOUT HER MOTHER. SO IT COULD SAY ... HERE THE COME ... SCREAM, CRY, JUMP, AND MESS. WHEN KHANSA MEET CARRA IT CAN SAY, ANOTHER WAR. IN FEW MINUTES THEY PLAY, NEXT MINUTES THEY SCREAM, NEXT MINUTES ONE OF THEM CRY, NEXT MINUTES ONE JUMP AND ONE RUN, NEXT MINUTES MANY MANY MANY TOYS ON FLOOR AND THE REST ... MESS. SHE IS SO MUCH ACTIVE KID. 5 YEARS OLD. KHANSA ... SO MUCH ACTIVE TOO, 2 YEARS OLD. WHEN FEED THEM ... THEY JUST SIT BECAUSE I ASK THEM IN FIRM. WHEN BATH ... OH GOD ... SEEMS LIKE I BATHING THE TWIN ... SPLASH HERE AND THERE EVEN TO MY CLOTHES. WHEN AT THE END I CANT STAND TO SEE THE HOUSE TOTALLY IN MESS, I TAKE THEM TO PLAYGROUND ... AND OFF COURSE ALL POEPLE STARE AT ME CAUSE ONE JUMP ONE RUN AND USUALLY END WITH ONE SCREAM AND ONE CRY BUT THEY JUST BACK PLAY TOGETHER AGAIN. AFTER SEND HER BACK TO HER HOUSE, KHANSA JUST SLEEP AND SLEEP AND I CAN DRIVE SO PEACE AND SEEMS LIKE I FOUND HEAVEN. I WAKE UP AT 3 AND CLEAN THE HOUSE ... REALLY IT TAKE ALMOST 2 HOURS TO CLEAN THEM ALL. CARRA ... YOU ARE REALLY SO SOMETHING AND KHANSA ... YOU ARE SO ... WHAT CAN I SAY ... PAUSE IN A BIT, BUNDA REALLY NEED DEEP BREATH.

RAINIG ALL DAY UNTIL THIS MIDNIGHT. WHAT MY DREAM IS DOING RITE NOW ? HOW IS HE ? HAS HE EAT ? BUSY MAYBE. I HOPE HE TAKE CARE HIMSELF IN GOOD. TODAY, I MAKE ELEPHANT EAR PASTRY FOR KHANSA WITH SUGAR ON TOP. SHE REALLY LOVE THAT PIE. IT IS CALLED TOO : GENJI PIE. WHEN THE PIE OUT FROM THE OVEN I STARED THEM. I LIKE SWEET BUT I AM
SO KNOW MY DREAM NOT LIKE SWEET TOO MUCH. I REALIZE I HAD KNOWN MANY WHAT HE LIKE OR NO. MAYBE ONE DAY, EVEN I DONT KNOW WHEN, I CAN MAKE HIM SOMETHING WHICH IS NOT SWEET. I WONT CRY REALLY, BUT TEARS JUST DRIP LIKE THAT. HE HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES. SO ENVY HE HAS EYE SHAPE LIKE AN ALMOND. GOOD NIGHT MY DREAM, HUG. 

I JUST TOOK BATH. CLEAN MYSELF BEFORE SLEEP IS ALWAYS BE MY HABBIT. KHANSA IS SLEEPING TIGHT. DOCTOR SAID, SHE GOT VIRUS WHICH MAKE HER BODY HAD RED PATTERNS. SOME PATTERNS SLOWLY DISSAPEARED. HER TEMPERTURE ALREADY BACK TO NORMAL. SO GLAD TO SEE HER BETTER. I WILL GO TO SLEEP. I WANT TO DREAM HIM, MY DREAM. I WISH HE COME IN DREAM ALWAYS. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM, SOMEHOW DREAM ABOUT HIM SO MUCH HELP.  "LOOK KHANSA, A MOON IN THE SKY. MANY STARS RITE". SOMETIMES I CARRY KHANSA TO THE KITCHEN TO SEE THEM AT NIGHT WHEN SHE NOT SLEEP UNTIL LATE NIGHT. SOMETIMES I THINK, IS MY DREAM SEE THE MOON WHICH I SEE ?. HE IS MILLION MILES AWAY FROM ME, BUT MY DREAM ALWAYS IN HEART.

I AM ON DOCTOR WATING ROOM. KHANSA, MY DAUGHTER, GOT MEASLES SINCE YESTERDAY. I SHOULD COME YESTERDAY, BUT I GOT NUMBER SO LATE ON WAITING LIST SO HERE I AM RITE NOW. SHE IS SLEEPING. ALL HER BODY GET RED MARK AND SMALL DOT ASLIKE CHICKEN POX AND DONGUE FEVER. I SURPRISED WHEN SAW HER BODY LIKE THAT, BUT SHE DIDNT GET FEVER. AFTER DID GOOGLE I KNEW IT WAS MEASLES. SHE STILL ACTIVE, EAT, DRINK AMDAND SLEEP ASLIKE NORMAL. BUT SHE ALWAYS ASK ME TO CARRY HER. MAYBE SHE FEEL HER BODY NOT WELL. 9.49 PM AND STILL WAITING. WOW ... I COULD GET AT 12 MAYBE. SHE ALREADY GOT VACCINE OF MEASLES LAST YEAR MAYBE THAT'S WHY THE VIRUS NOT TOO MUCH EFFECT TO HER BUT STILL I WORRY ABOUT THAT ALL RED PATTERN ON HER BODY. SHE ALWAYS SAID "BUNDA ... ITCHY" SO I CARESSED HER SKIN ALL THE TIME. GET WELL SOON KHANSA. BUNDA LOVES YOU.

MY DREAM, I MISS YOU.

I FEEL LIKE A COOKIE. I HAD COCONUT VANILLA BODY SCRUB FOR BATH, THE SMELL STILL ON MY SKIN UNTIL THIS MIDNIGHT. I HAD COCOA BODY BUTTER WHICH HELP ME SLEEP EASIER SO FAR. THEN I JUST FINISHED THE DOUBLE CHOC BUTTER COOKIES BEFORE SLEEP. I THOUGHT ONE COOKIE WAS ENOUGH BUT I COULDNT STOP FOR THREE COOKIES AND HELD MYSELF NOT TO FINISH WHOLE COOKIES PACKAGE. I STILL HAD SOME ICE CREAM ON REFRIGERATOR, ALL THE BRANDS ; WALLS, BASKIN ROBBNS AND HAGEN DAZ  WITH MY LIFE FAV FLAVOR VANILLA, STRAWBERRY, CHOC AND MINT. ONE BIG SPPON FULL SCOOP  FOR EACH, SO AFTERALL THREE SCOOP WAS REALLY ENOUGH.. I  AM FEELING MY TUMMY SO COLD AS LIKE AN ICE. IT IS MIDNIGHT, 12.21 AM. I JUST WONDERED AS IF MY DREAM WAS BESIDE ME, I WOULD SNEAK TO HIS HUG FOR FINDING THE WARMTH. OFF COURSE I WONT TELL HIM WHAT I JUST ATE OTHERWISE HE COULD FUSSY. IN HIS HUG I WOULD SAY ; MY DREAM, I FEEL SO COOKIES.

I ALWAYS LOVE TIME LIKE THIS. WHEN EVERYTHING IS DONE. THE ORDER BAKING, THE KITCHEN CLEAN, HAVING BATH, KHANSA IS SLEEPING, IPOD, WRITING BLOG AND JUST LAYING ON BED. WHAT MAKE MORE PERFECT IS ; RAINING OUTSIDE. SO MUCH LOVE THE SOUND OF RAINING. MY DREAM CALLED ME THIS DAWN. I JUST WAKE UP AND HE CALLED ME. SEEMED LIKE HE WAS BESIDE ME THAT TIME. SOMEHOW I CRIED THE FEELINGS WERE MIXED. I PAUSED MANY MANY TIMES WHILE TALKING, HID THE CRIED BUT HE KNEW IT. IT WAS GREAT TO KNOW HE WAS GOOD AND FINE. WISH I CAN HUG MY DREAM THAT TIME,

"MY ANGEL, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ?" ASKED MY DREAM. "YES" I ANSWERED. "IN A WEEK, HOW MANY TIMES HE LOVE YOU ?" ASKED HIM TOWARDLY. "FROM 0 TO 1" I ANSWERED. "HAVE YOU REMEMBER ME ?" ASKED HIM. "ALWAYS. I ALWAYS DO. HAVE YOU KNOW I CRY AT BATH ROOM WHILE CLEAN MY SELF. I FEEL PAIN. I FEEL LIKE A BITCH. ALL THE FEELINGS JUST COME TO YOU. AND I JUST CRIED. I THINK HE SHOULD PAY ME SO HIGH. I AM EDUCATED, FULLY TRIMMED AND CLEAN" I PAUSED. AND MY DREAM JUST HUG ME AGAIN AND AGAIN. SO MANY WORDS OF 'HUG' ON SCREEN AND I JUST CRY. ALL THE FEELINGS COME TO MY DREAM WHO OWN ME TOP TO TOE AND HEART ITSELF. "HE NOT AS LIKE YOU. YOU ARE MY DREAM" I SAID. "YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN HIM ?" HE ASKED. "FOR ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK ? LOVING YOU MORE THAN YOU THNK".
I AM SORRY, I CANT GO ON WRITING TO END THIS POST, FEEL PAIN INSIDE.

MY DREAM, I AM MISSING YOU.

SOUND OF RAINING OUTSIDE WAKE ME UP. BEING MORE COLD INSIDE. NO OTHER THINGS BESIDE MY DREAM THIS TIME. HE WILL BE FINE, I SHOULD BELIEVE THAT. EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. I USED TO TELL HIM WHEN RAIN COME. I AM WONDERING HE LAY BESIDE ME RITE NOW. THROUGH NITE WITH LOVE HIM. HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE ME LOOSE CONTROL, ONLY HE KNOWS IT. I NEVER KNOW HIS TOUCH AND WARMTH. BUT I COULD FEEL IN CLOSING EYES. I AM SO FAR FROM PERFECTAND SPECIAL, WITH HIM I COULD FEEL SO. HOW BEAUTIFUL BE ME, IF FOUND HIM BEFORE AND AFTER I SLEEP. CRYING JUST NOW, SOMEHOW THE TEARS DRIP SLOWLY. MEET YOU IN DREAM TONIGHT,

"BUNDA, WHERE IS IT ?" KHANSA ASKED NEW THINGS WHEN SAW MY DREAM'S PHOTO ON LONDON BRIDGE. "ON LONDON BRIDGE" I ANSWERED. "LATER, WE GO THERE RITE" SHE SAID. I PAUSED. "IT IS FAR KHANSA" I STILL FED HER LUNCH. "SO WE DRIVE BY CAR" SHE SAID. I SMILED "NO, WE SHOULD GO BY PLANE TO REACH THAT. LONDON IS NOT IN JAKARTA" I EXPLAINED. WITH THAT STYLE SHE SAID "OH THAT SO" ALWAYS LIKE THAT. "SO, LATER WE GO THERE" SHE SAID. I FOLOWED HER IMAGINATION "WITH WHO ? BUNDA COMING OR NO?" I ASKED. "KHANSA AND BUNDA. LATER WE GO THERE" SHE ANSWERED. I SMILED AND CARESSED HER HAIR.  INSIDE ME, MY HEART JUST CRIED "INSHAALLAH, BOTH OF US. KHANSA AND BUNDA. GO THERE" AFTER HER LUNCH FINISHED, I WENT TO KITCHEN AND CRIED THERE. KHANSA ... THAT PERSON YOU ASKED WAS A PERSON WHO BUNDA CALLED 'MY DREAM' FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS UNTIL TODAY.

A WOMAN CAN KEEP HER BIG SECRET WHOLE LIFE, IT IS ME. THE LOVE WHICH I KEEP FOR MY DREAM, ONLY WITH THIS BLOG THE HONESTY, SINCERITY. DREAMS, WISH, HOPES, LONGING, PASSION, WONDERING, EMOTION, MEMORIES, MISSING AND LOVE ITSELF ARE WRITTEN. I NEVER MEET HIM. BUT HIS ALWAYS LIVE IN MIND AND HEART. MY LOVE IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND. I ALWAYS ASK HIM TO FINISH HIS STUDY IN GOOD, AT THE END I JUST WANT BE YOURS. THAT WHAT I KEEP FROM HIM, SOMETHING WHICH HE NEVER KNOW.
I ... I AM ... I .... (CLOSE THE EYES) SORRY I CANT FINISH THE POST IN GOOD THIS TIME. TOO MUCH CRY JUST NOW.

MAYBE I JUST TOOK SLEEP ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO.  I SUDDENLY OPENED MY EYES, I DREAMED MY DREAM. HE HUG ME FROM BACK, I COULD FEEL HIS HANDS AROUND MY BODY, FELT HIS WARM, SUCH A REAL. HE SAID : FORGIVE ME MY ANGEL, I AM SORRY. I KEPT SILENT. MY EYES OPENED, I CRIED. NO WORDS, NO SOUND, SILENT AND THE TEARS JUST RUNNING DOWN.

JUST WANT TO SAY, I LOVE MY DREAM

EACH PERIOD ALWAYS MAKE ME SICK LIKE THIS. SO PAIN. SO LUCKY FOR GIRLS AND WOMEN WHO NOT SICK LIKE ME WHEN THEY HAVE PERIOD. THE BLEEDING USUALLY SO MUCH. I USED TO ASK MY DREAM ALWAYS HUG ME WHEN HAVE THE PERIOD. SOMETIMES HE GOT MY SENSITIVITY AND I JUST SAID, "MY DREAM I AM SORRY. I AM IN PERIOD, THE EMOTION MAKE MY MOOD ASLIKE ROLLER COASTER". BUT HE UNDERSTANDS. MAYBE I AM TOO MUCH LIKE A KID, ALWAYS ASK HIM TO HUG ME. I SO SPOILED TO HIM. I TOO MUCH DEPEND ON HIM, DONT HE REALIZE HOW MUCH I WANT AND NEED HIM ? OH GOD, WHY I AM CRYING ?

I SUDDENLY WAKE UP, WRITING THE POST BEFORE I FORGET WHAT I JUST DREAM. MY DREAM. YES, I DREAMED ABOUT HIM. WE KISSED. EVERYONE AROUND US STARED TO US BUT WE JUST KISS. I THINK WE KISSED AROUND TE STREET BECAUSE I SAW MANY POEPLE THERE. AT THE END I HID MY FACE IN YOUR HUG MAYBE I FELT SHAME WAS LOOKED BY MANY POEPLE. BUT I SAW YOU SMILED.

4 AM, I SUDDENLY WAKE UP. MY TUMMY FEELS PAIN. MAYBE I WILL HAVE  MY PERIOD. THE SORE THROAT NOT FINISH YET, NOW MY STOMACH PAIN. HUG, MY DREAM ... THE PAIN WHEN PERIOD WILL COME SO ANNOYING. I WISH I CAN HUG MY DREAM RITE NOW.  OH GOD, SO SPOILED I AM TO HIM.