5 am, wake up and sitting on edge of bed. I dreamed my dream. Dreamed he loved me with gently and much loving things inside. I could see his face so cleared. I could feel his touch so real. I could smell his so deep. I could see his smile. How can I am not crying this time ? Missing him beyond his think. Loving him over he imagine. Longing him in many years, cant find any difference between want and need anymore because mean same in passing years. I am a woman who has heart which not make from steel. I am not always a power puff.

It feels great to go back at home after few days stayed in hospital. Missing so much to post here. Missing so much to bake. My dream, I have something for him. It cant describe by words. I know, he doesn't like sweet too much. Even he not taste my cake yet, but I always make something for him. Just say this, the love cupcakes.

Are they beautiful my dream ? Want to taste it ? If we were so close, maybe you would have daily cake from me. Look now, I am smiling but crying aslike a kid. I hope my dream is fine there. Pray for good for my dream always.

There are still some orders, inshaallah I wont let down my customers. They are loving and so patient to wait. Inshaallah I am well enough to start baking again.

Almost a year he is not with me, my dream. Almost a year through each night without him. Almost a year the days seems empty without him. Almost a year I lost a person as placed to lean, share and love. When I said, how I live without my dream ? Then he said, you have to, please. I am not kind a person who have many sweet words, but he has many for me. One day I said, my dream I am afraid, please ... how if I loose all those sweet words then he said, my angel ... you wont ... never.
A year a go I was as like a shining star when it said, December ... I planned to meet you. I smiled and cried in same time when heard that. But the December I passed in broken into pieces.
Until I am writing here, I am passing the empty days, the tears, the longing and silent nights. Live with the memories with heart which keep and same. I already loose my man.

My dream, can you hug me ? I am afraid.

I feel not too well rite now, I used to ask my dream hugs me when I feel not good. I miss his hug which make me feel safe. I dont know why I just starting to cry.
I had invitation e-mail to take part in bazaar at budi luhur university. As I remembered, I had the invitation before operation but I sent compliment replied. Inshaallah, I will feel well enough to do my routine baking order after 2 weeks rest operation. I wont take many orders in a week, so far I easily tired. The orders at least have to send messages and e-mails 3 days before. Food courier and baking ingredients will come twice a week to home.
The bazaar will start from 8 am to 3 pm. I really hope I so much well until the bazaar day end.

You know what is my mind rite now ? My dream loves me. I want to say him, my dream ... love me. He knows me that much, me to him ... once never enough, he knows me that I always say ... my dream ... I want again. My fingers so much want send him message or mail directly. But I dont do that. Maybe he doesn't like it, maybe he won't reply, maybe he says something which makes me cry, maybe I disturb him, and many maybe. Then what I am doing rite now ?posting here, remaining what we used do in love, so much hate these tears running down. So much hate why I have to cry.

Is so funny. I suddenly wake up. Dreamed of him, my dream. I dreamed about all my high school friends. We went to camp somewhere. Then found my dream there. We met there. Sat side by side. Laughed, told many stories. You gave me a beautiful bracelet. I said, I know this bracelet is from inside a girl cologne, but I dont use that. My dream said, yes you rite but I so much know your smell, so I threw the cologne and saved the bracelet for you. I remembered I smiled in shy. Really aslike teenage love birds. I wished my dream was here, beside me. I would wake him up and tell what I just dream. I must be crazy because I still love him.

let me write what are in mind rite now. Almost 4 years I fight with my DDimer. I got miscarriage on my first baby because DDimer. I through heparyn treatment until today because DDimer. Few times I lost conscious because DDimer which make the oxygen through the head and blood not flow in normal. And then ... I got blood cancer symptoms. Really, I am not deny anything. I accept everything which happen to me. I just want, really ... I wont make anyone getting hard because of me. Every pray I perform, I just ask I die so much easily. Tomorrow I will go to hospital for check up the operation result. Everything that happen make me cry easily, like i am doing this time.

2 hours after operation really worked making me cried as like a baby. The effect of pain killer already gone, so it replaced to medicine. The pain aslike a knife sliced my stomach many many times. I learnt to used with it. Learnt to move the body bit by little, learnt to sit and walked. So far ... I already used with the pain. In next few days I hope the pain not that much. Inshaallah.

In today early morning I am going to have chyst ovarian operation. The chyst is placed in my stomach rite in my things, ovarian. It causes so much pain whenever I have period. The chyst long already 2 cm so it has to take away. The operation will take in same scar with caesarean operation when I do khansa in maternity. The risk will be same. But I have through this. I am afraid not for the risk, but because the pain I will have after operation. I am not always the power puff girl.