I MISS YOU MY DREAM, SO ... MUCH

THE SCENT OF COCONUT VANILLA BODY SCRUB WHICH I TOOK THIS AFTERNOON STILL SMELL SO GOOD ON TO MY SKIN. 12.48 AM RITE NOW. I JUST LAYING ON BED READY TO SLEEP. MY MIND JUST GO TO HIM, MY DREAM. WONDERING HE IS BESIDE ME. HUG ME GENTLY AROUND HIS HANDS AND CHEST. FEELING HIS WARMTH.. I AM SO OLDER THAN HIM. BUT I ALWAYS LOVE HIS HUG ASLIKE A KID, MY DREAM, YOU ARE MY PASSION. THE WAY HE LOVES ME COULD MAKE ME NEVER STOP. SO MANY BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS WITH HIM WHICH I WONT AND NEVER FORGET. I LOVE HIS GENTLY ON WAY TO ME. WORDS NEVER ENOUGH DESCRIBE HIM. BECAUSE HE IS MY DREAM. TOMORROW INSHAALLAH WILL BE FIRST DAY FASTING MONTH OF RAMADHAN IN INDONESIA. I WISH MY DREAM IN GOOD CONDITION FOR THROUGH RAMADHAN THIS YEAR. I HOPE HE TAKE CARE HIMSELF IN GOOD. I AM MISSING YOU, MY DREAM.

4.08 AM AND I JUST FINISH BAKING FOR CAKE AND COOKIES ORDER. AFTER CLEAN MYSELF AND NOW I JUST LAYING ON BED. TIRED AND SLEEPY. AS IF MY DREAM WAS HERE, I JUST WANT SLEEP IN HIS HUG. MY DREAM, I AM MISSIG YOU SO MUCH.

I JUST BACK FROM MILA HOUSE. I TOOK KHANSA WITH ME TO MEET MILA. SHE JUST HAD MATERNITY LAST WEEK. A BABY GIRL NEW BORN. HER SECOND DAUGHTER. HER FIRST DAUGHTER AGE JUST DIFFERENT 3 MOTNHS FROM KHANSA. UNTIL NEXT YEAR MILA AND HER HUSBAND ALONG WITH THEY TWO DAUGHTERS WILL BE IN INDONESIA. AFTER THAT THEY WILL BE BACK TO KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA. A BABY NEW BORN, SO SMALL ... WHEN KHANSA WAS A BABY JUST SAME LIKE THAT. I CARRIED THE BABY, SMALL, BEAUTIFUL, SMELL GOOD. I SMILED A LOT WHILE HOLDING HER. I HAD A DREAM ... REALLY I HAD A DREAM. WHEN MIRACLE COME, THE BABY, ME AND MY DREAM. EVEN IT MIGHT BE RISKED FOR ME, BUT I WOULD TRY WITH HIM. I TOUCHED HER SKIN GENTLY, I SAID "SHE IS BEAUTIFUL MILA" I STARED THE BABY IN GLASSED EYES HOLD TO CRY. REMAINED WHAT DREAMED I HAD. "YES SHE IS" MILA ANSWERED. I SMILED TO MILA "INSHAALLAH, ALLAH WILL BLESS HER ALWAYS" I SAID TO MILA. SHE HUG ME SOFTLY, SHE WHISPERED TO ME, I STILL REMEMBERED WHAT SHE SAID TO ME "PLEASE BE STRONG"

WHAT CAN I SAY ? THE WAITING LIST ORDER UNTIL JULY. I REALIZE RAMADHAN WILL COME NEXT WEEK AND FEW WEEKS AFTER THAT WILL BE IDUL FITRI. SO NO WONDER THE WAITING LIST COME. I WISH I STILL HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO SLEEP. USUALLY AND ALWAYS BE I SLEEP AT DAWN WHEN MANY ORDER COME. I TAKE SLEEP MAYBE 2 HOURS AND THE REST FOR ALL DAY KHANSA WITH ME. THEN THE NIGHT COME SO BAKING JUST STARTING AGAIN. I ENJOY IT EVEN TIRED BUT SO DELIGHT WHEN SOMEONE OR SOME LIKE WHAT I MAKE. COOKIE, CAKE, PASTRY, BREAD AND PRALINE. WHAT MOST EXCITED WAS ... I JUST BOUGHT NEW OVEN FOR BAKING AND ROAST. IS MUCH BIGGER THAN I HAVE IN PAST. I HAVE ELECTRIC AND GAS OVEN BUT LOOKING FOR EFFECTIVENESS AND EFFICIENCY I NEED THE BIGGER ONE. I HAD ORDERED LAST WEEK AND FEW HOURS AGO THE LOVELY OVEN ALREADY CAME AND PUT NICELY IN THE KITCHEN. MY HEART IS CLAPPING RITE NOW... HAPPY ... IS FINE I AM
SPENDING MUCH MONEY FOR ITS, WELL ANOTHER INVESTMENT RITE ?! I CAN SLEEP SO ... SO ... SO ... TIGHT. I JUST LOOK BIT TO THE KITCHEN ... THE BACK YARD, NICE SMALL GARDEN IN BACK, THE STAR AND MOON ABOVE, CLEAN AND SHINE KITCHEN THEN THE LOVELY BIG OVEN JUST STANDING THERE. SO GRATEFUL TO ALLAH TO GIVE ME SO MUCH FOR ME .... IS THAT PATIENCE FOR THROUGH HARD LIFE.

"BUNDA, WHY ARE YOU CRYING ?" KHANSA MY DAUGHTER, ASKED ME WHEN SHE SAW ME AFTER PERFORMED SHOLAT. "NOTHING" I ANSWERED. "WHY ARE YOU CRYING ?" SHE STILL ASKED ME. "NOTHING KHANSA" I ANSWERED SLOWLY. "WHY BUNDA ... BUNDA ?" SHE URGED ME. I TOOK HER ON MY LAP "IS FINE KHANSA" SHE LOOKED ME "BUNDA" SHE SAID IN STARING EYES. I WHISPERED IN HEART ; "YOU ARE 2, HOW YOU CAN UNDERSTAND BUNDA IS FEELING RITE NOW. BUNDA JUST MISSING A MAN WHOM BUNDA CALLED MY DREAM. BUNDA IS MISSING HIM AS A MAN, A PERSON WHO BUNDA KNOW SINCE LONG" I WIPED THE TEARS AND SAID TO KHANSA "NOTHING KHANSA" I SMILED TO HER.

I DREAMED MY DREAM LAST NIGHT :) LOOK HOW RED MY FACE RITE NOW. YOU KISSED ME SO ... HUG ME SO ... EVEN IT JUST DREAM I FEEL SO GREAT BECOUSE SEE YOU

RAINING. HOW CAN I AM NOT REMIND OF MY DREAM ? WHAT IS HE DOING RITE NOW ? IS HE GOOD ? I AM ... WONDERING, SLEEPING IN HIS HUG. THE TEARS ALWAYS CONE LIKE THIS. I CANT WRITE MUCH IN THIS POST. IN MY HEAD EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.

MY DREAM ..., HUG

12.31 AM AND STILL CANT SLEEP. I FEEL NOT GOOD. BIT HEADACHE AND PAIN ON BACK, WRIST AND FEET. AT NIGHT EVERYTHING SO SILENT I LIKE THE CALMNESS AND THE AIR. I AM LAYING ON BED, WATCHING KHANSA IS SLEEPING SO TIGHT. FROM LAST TWO DAYS SHE SAID HER TUMMY ACHE. TWICE VOMIT AND MADE ME WORRIED. SHE HAD NEW HABBIT, BITE HER NAILS. AND THATS NOT GOOD. MAYBE THAT NEW HABBIT MAKE HER TUMMY ACHE. I CANCELLED THE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT TONIGHT, AFTER SAW HER BACK TO NORMAL. ACTIVE ASLIKE NEW CHARGE BATTERY :) SO BEAUTIFUL WHAT I AM WONDERING RITE NOW. MY DREAM JUST COME TO HUG ME FROM BACK AND I AM CLOSING MY EYES, PRETENDING TO SLEEP SO HE NEVER LET GO THAT HUG. I COULD FEEL HIS WARM, SMELL AND BREATH. I WILL WAIT UNTIL HE REALLY SLEEP. SO THAT I COULD STARE HIS FACE WITHOUT HIS NOTICE. I WILL STAND NOT TO KISS HIM, NOT TO WAKE HIM UP UNTIL NEXT MORNING. HE WILL HAVE MY MORNING KISS AT FIRST HE OPEN HIS EYES. I WILL SEND DOA TO ALLAH TO TAKE CARE MY DREAM IF JUST I GO BEFORE HIM, HE IS THE BEST I EVER HAVE. MAYBE MY WONDERING TOO MUCH BUT I SINK IN ITS. I AM CRYING BUT I AM SMILING, MY WONDERING IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

SUDDENLY WAKE UP AT 12.21 AM. ITS PAIN. THE PERIOD COMES AND THE PAIN SLOWLY KILLED ME. THAT TOO MUCH :) YES ITS PAIN BUT NOT UNTIL KILL ME. PETER CETERA WITH GLORY OF LOVE WTH PIANO VERSION. I REMEMBER, WHEN I WAS KID I HAD PIANO COURSE, AT FIRST MAYBE I LIKE IT BUT SOMEHOW I CANT FIND MYSELF MORE GOOD IN IT, SO I STOP IT. I FIND MYSELF MORE COMFORT IN READING AND WRITING. I WROTE A LOT WHEN I WAS SCHOOL. I REALLY FORGOT WHO, WHEN AND WHERE MY STORIESIRS WERE BORROWED. SOME STILL IN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE IN MY ROOM ARE KEPT. WHEN I OPENED, I SAW MY WRITTEN SO IMAGINING. I REALIZE HOW CREATIVE I WAS. ALL THE BOOKS :) ALREADY MOVED IN MANY BOXES BY MY MOTHER, ONE DAY SHE SAID "I DONT WHERE I SHOULD PUT YOUR BOOKS?" I SEE SOME STACK BOXES IN STORE ROOM AT HOUSE AND I JUST SAID "I DONT KNOW TOO". I CAN BE IN MY ROOM ALL DAY IN READING AND WRITING. ANOTHER I CAN BE IN KITCHEN FROM MORNING TO LATE JUST FOR BAKING. I LIKE AT HOME THAN GO OUTSIDE. WHEN I GO SOMEWHERE, I USED ALONE. I AM NOT ALONER BUT I USED WITH THAT. I DONT HAVE MANY FRIENDS WHO CLOSE MUCH JUST FEW BUT LAST UNTIL TODAY. FROM LAST 7 YEARS I REALIZE I JUST HAVE ONE PERSON WHO ALWAYS BE MY PLACE TO SHARE, TALK AND HEAR. MY DREAM. HE IS NOT JUST MY BEST FRIEND BUT ALSO LIFE FOR ME. NOWDAYS ... I JUST HAVE MY WRITTEN AS MY PLACE. IS GOING LATE, MAYBE I SHOULD TRY BACK TO SLEEP, AND MAYBE THE PAIN MUCH BETTER WHILE
I AM SLEEPING. GOOD NIGHT BLOG. 

2 AM, I WAKE UP AND CANT BACK TO SLEEP. I AM RITE, I JUST HAVE MY 1ST DAY PERIOD TODAY AND IT FEELS PAIN. I STARTED MY DAY WITH BAD PAIN. AFTER TOOK BATH AND COOKED, I SAW 'THE LAKE HOUSE' ON CABLE TV. I CHANGED IT AT FIRST, BUT IN MINUTES I WATCHED IT UNTIL END. THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS ORIGINAL MOVIE WAS FROM KOREAN MOVIE 'IL MARE'. IT WAS A WONDERFUL MOVIE. I HAD DREAM HOUSE AFTER WATCHED 'THE LAKE HOUSE' IT SHOWED THE HOUSE WHAT I REALLY WANT. THE STORY SO BEAUTIFUL, I CANT SAY IN WORDS. THE LAST TIME I SAW 'THE LAKE HOUSE' MAYBE AROUND NOVEMBER OR MIGHT BE DECEMBER LAST YEAR. I WATCHED IT MANY TIMES. SOMEHOW I WONT WATCH THAT MOVIE FOR A WHILE, I AM AFRAID OF LOVE MOVIES SINCE LAST DECEMBER SO I UNTIL TODAY I DONT WATCH ANY LOVE MOVIES. I WATCH ACTIONS AND CARTOONS. WHEN I WATCH 'THE LAKE HOUSE' I JUST SAW ME AS KATE AND MY DREAM AS ALEX. I DIDNT PLAN TO CRY, BUT TEARS JUST COME THEMSELF. THE STORY SO TOUCHING ME DEEEP. I SAW LETTERS, LETTERS AND MANY LETTERS IN MOVIE. JUST REMAIN ME ABOUT ALL THE LETTERS FROM MY DREAM. I ALREADY BURNT THEM ALL NOT EXCEPT THE CARDS. I REALLY CANT READ THEM ALL AGAIN, I AM AFRAID FEEL MORE PAIN. I STILL THE SAME PERSON TO MY DREAM. SOMEONE WHO I GIVE THIS HEART EVEN I NEVER MEET HIM. NO ONE KNOWS 'THE LAKE HOUSE' IS ONE OF THE MOST MOVIE I LIKE AND WATCH MANY TIMES. EVEN MY DREAM NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS. 
WHAT I ALWAYS REMEMBER THE LINE OF THE MOVIE WHEN ALEX SAY TO KATE : DONT WORRY KATE, WE WILL BE TOGETHER IN TIME EVEN WE ARE FAR AWAY APART. I WILL FIND A WAY TO CLOSE TO YOU, TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.
WHEN THAT PART AND THE LINE CAME ON SCREEN, I SAID IN HEART SO BEAUTIFUL WORDS TO SAY. 

MY TUMMY IS PAIN :( I THINK ... MAYBE I WILL HAVE PERIOD SOON. USUAL PAIN AS ALWAYS :(