"I was in detention they suddenly come and took me to jail n detention I spend 2 weeks in their now I am going back to pk forever n will get marry soon I'm sorry but pls dont email me or dont call dont text me anymore cuz I'm not the only one who using it anymore pls pray for me cuz I'm not in good condition I hav seen death very closely u r the best person n I'm not"

It might be the last mail from my dream. Read it rite after wake up in the morning. I paused aslike a dead person, the tears run down aslike the river. What bad dreamed I had that night was rite.

I just want to say "whatever you do, however you are, wherever you go whoever you will be, whenever time goes by, you always be my dream ... you already spaced this heart. I love you"

With very deeply sorry for the reader who routinely come to this blog, I need time to write and post in un-eventually time.

Happy mother's day mom. I love you so much. I already a mother so happy mother's day too for me. A mother able do anything for her children. I remember when my dream say this to me. "I cant choose what side between you or my mother anymore. I cant be like this anymore" that night as a woman, as a mother and as a person who loves him that much I say "so my dream choose what your mother ask " he said in disappointed "so you can see me with other girl" and I said "honestly I never can see you with anyone" my heart said I never can see him in hard moment. I let him, even it kills me slowly until today. He can find more perfect girl and new love but he never can find a love like mine.

Almost 3 am rite now and still awake. Actually I just completed cookies ordered. Christmas will come soon and busy with waiting list order. Then ... new year will come soon and will be the second new year without my dream. He comes and goes unpredictable. Without any words at all.

Khansa is sleeping so tight. She is the only one reason I still here, in this house. She says "bunda, why you crying" I just shake my head show to her no. She hugs me but just make me cry more. My mother, my dream and my illness are the reason of my tears. Allah knows better what I feel and through. 

 

Lately I got some ordered for snack meeting in some offices. Beginning from 5, 20, and yesterday I got 250 boxes ordered. I didnt sleep all day then I got headache at last. My blood pressure must be so much low this time. I used to ask my dream to hug me when I feel not well like this. Oh god ... why I am crying rite now. This heart feels weary.

"Bunda, you are so beautiful" khansa always says like that whe we see to the mirror together. "Khansa very beautiful too" I always kiss her cheek, eyes, nose, chin and end with her lips like I always do to my dream. She usually smiles and says "I love you bunda" and I always say same "I love you khansa". Being a mother for me is a whole life commitment. I through very much hard moment when pregant, for 9 months I have to do heparyn injection twice a day to my body ; arms and thigh and passed so much difficult and risky opearation cesarean in maternity. Khansa always hugs me when sees me cry, she always tries making me smile and laugh. I love you so much Khansa.

What I found when I took overall jeans in my cupboard. Few hijab sheet folded nicely. I stared them and suddenly remained this. One day I told to him, my dream "you know, when we marry one day I want to wear hijab" I so remembered what he said "I know that" and I surprised "how you know, I never told you" and he said "I just know" then I said "how ?" Again he just said "I just know what you think" then I said "you are so something". I only want one person see me totally, there is my dream. I believe he can make me a better person so that's why I plan wear them.
I put them again in the cupboard, I planned, dreamed, wished and hoping many things with him. No wonder this tears just coming suddenly. Inshaallah, one day I will wear them even my dream already not with me.

1.04 am and still raining outside. Still can't sleep even these eyes so tired. Just listened the song from The Corrs "One night". The song tells about a girl who gives her heart, love, body and soul even she just has one night for his love one and even she will know in morning her man won't be her side ... she will be alone. Actually it really very old song. One of my favorite. Then my mind just go through to him, my dream. Always pray for good for him. What else he worry about ? he already graduate, reach his dream, and the job ... he will find a good one soon, marry ... ? will held soon with the perfect one off course. He might be happy already and no more much worry.
I just starting to cry. Is better for ending to write in this post. Meet you in another post, good night blog see you later.

Suddenly wake up this time, 2.31 am. He is on mind. What is he doing ? how is he ? where is he ? and so on. Maybe he never think as like as i am doing rite now. Maybe i never in his mind again. I just remind about this, the time he had said to me, "My angel, just say what your heart says". I always said "I am afraid" yes i am afraid to be in pieces at last because i never prepare be like that. What the afraid just be true at last. There always whisper for me to not going too far, but i always ignore them. I let my self love him that much, believe all the words, wish hope and dream many things with him. Eveytime i see the baby, my tears just fall because i dream to have one with him, even i know having the baby with my condition is risky. Everytime i drive somewhere and find a nice place, my tears just fall because i dream to go there with him. Everytime i go to Dharmais Hospital to do routine check up and treatment the tears just fall because worry and not find him with me. Already a year and i still be like this, this heart weary. Whenever my friends ask to meet somewhere, i always have reasons to refuse and prefer to do baking and complete the orders. Until at the point, i will move from Jakarta. This blog already my journey since 2008, the words unspoken by mouth but honestly wrote here.

Khansa still hard breathing until today, always happen when she gets flu. I almost not sleep each night when she gets sick like this. For each 3 hours I have do inhalation to her even while she is sleeping. And at last, I get sick because tired. I used to talk to my dream to less my worry, but he is not with me today. I dont know whether he still remain me or no. Sometimes, when I go to Dharmais Hospital to do routine check up and treatment I want to call him and say : my dream, I am afraid to pain how if I cant go through.
My dream still be the first person in mind when I wake up, I dont know how to change that habbit. Thats why I used to cry when wake up.
Get well soon khansa, bunda loves you.

Raining outside. Rainy season just start on November and usually end on March. December will come soon and will be the second December without my dream. I let myself love him that much then in pieces at last. For each his smile and laugh there is my tears. Year will turn as like as day and night. How I am not crying suddenly in reminding this : "my dream, have you back from work ?" I wrote. "Yes, why you not sleeping yet ?" He replied. "I just worry if not waiting you to home".

What is my dream doing this time ? Which city he stay rite now ? which job he has after graduation ? Does he still remember what I ask him : complete your study my dream, then come to see me. And he said, why that long my angel ? And I just say, just please complete your study. But he never know what this heart  says ;  then come to see me and take me with you.

I dreamed of him, my dream. He came to hospital to meet me. He said, where is your smile ? Then I smiled for him. He wiped my tears and caressed my hair. Later on I saw him cried in saying, my angel ... wake up, wake up ... please wake up. Then, I saw my mother cried also. Then I felt so light as like the cotton. I thought in that dreamed I died. Maybe it was a signed from allah for me.

My dream, why you doing this to me ? You never know how I through this. Dont ever dare to imagine how I through, you never can. I tired with all the tears, but I cant stop it. You said I am not doing anything, but I risk everything for you. I had given you everything, anything the heart, the love, the body, the soul, the life and live then I just let myself in pieces like a stupid. I want to scream even slap your face but I dont do because I know that not me. I am sick and I wont you and anyone feel pity to me. The pain and hurt which I willing to accept.

I am sorry. I cut my hair again tonight, the hair loss so terrible. The medicine for treatment I take so much effect to my hair. I already use anti hair loss serum but not help so I have to cut it to less the weight of hair so the loss wont be much. My hairs are going so thinner, not see as like as before.
A day will come when i will go so far, the far which cant reach and see by anyone.

Our, khansa and I, new favourite movie is Masha and the bear. The movie so funny. We watch it while breakfast and lunch. I love bear so ... much. My dream so much know about that. I am so in love to bear. In past day my dream had asked me, which bear you like ? And I answered, all of them. Then he said, have you know bears like to damage things, and I said I still love them. Next day he sent me many pictures of knutt bear, the polar bear. Today knutt bear already died. And the following years, he sent me many bear things which I save and them nicely. 

My dream, I still love bears. I still kiss and hug the bear which you sent me. Tell them how I love and miss. Sometimes I cry while remind how the bears travel from Leeds to Jakarta. The tears which never ending.

Even had chyst ovarian operation, I still having so much pain in period. I cant sleep. Too much pain. As if my dream was still with me, in many times I would ask him to hug me. How I am not crying when have pain like this. My dream no longer here.

5 am, wake up and sitting on edge of bed. I dreamed my dream. Dreamed he loved me with gently and much loving things inside. I could see his face so cleared. I could feel his touch so real. I could smell his so deep. I could see his smile. How can I am not crying this time ? Missing him beyond his think. Loving him over he imagine. Longing him in many years, cant find any difference between want and need anymore because mean same in passing years. I am a woman who has heart which not make from steel. I am not always a power puff.

It feels great to go back at home after few days stayed in hospital. Missing so much to post here. Missing so much to bake. My dream, I have something for him. It cant describe by words. I know, he doesn't like sweet too much. Even he not taste my cake yet, but I always make something for him. Just say this, the love cupcakes.

Are they beautiful my dream ? Want to taste it ? If we were so close, maybe you would have daily cake from me. Look now, I am smiling but crying aslike a kid. I hope my dream is fine there. Pray for good for my dream always.

There are still some orders, inshaallah I wont let down my customers. They are loving and so patient to wait. Inshaallah I am well enough to start baking again.

Almost a year he is not with me, my dream. Almost a year through each night without him. Almost a year the days seems empty without him. Almost a year I lost a person as placed to lean, share and love. When I said, how I live without my dream ? Then he said, you have to, please. I am not kind a person who have many sweet words, but he has many for me. One day I said, my dream I am afraid, please ... how if I loose all those sweet words then he said, my angel ... you wont ... never.
A year a go I was as like a shining star when it said, December ... I planned to meet you. I smiled and cried in same time when heard that. But the December I passed in broken into pieces.
Until I am writing here, I am passing the empty days, the tears, the longing and silent nights. Live with the memories with heart which keep and same. I already loose my man.

My dream, can you hug me ? I am afraid.

I feel not too well rite now, I used to ask my dream hugs me when I feel not good. I miss his hug which make me feel safe. I dont know why I just starting to cry.
I had invitation e-mail to take part in bazaar at budi luhur university. As I remembered, I had the invitation before operation but I sent compliment replied. Inshaallah, I will feel well enough to do my routine baking order after 2 weeks rest operation. I wont take many orders in a week, so far I easily tired. The orders at least have to send messages and e-mails 3 days before. Food courier and baking ingredients will come twice a week to home.
The bazaar will start from 8 am to 3 pm. I really hope I so much well until the bazaar day end.

You know what is my mind rite now ? My dream loves me. I want to say him, my dream ... love me. He knows me that much, me to him ... once never enough, he knows me that I always say ... my dream ... I want again. My fingers so much want send him message or mail directly. But I dont do that. Maybe he doesn't like it, maybe he won't reply, maybe he says something which makes me cry, maybe I disturb him, and many maybe. Then what I am doing rite now ?posting here, remaining what we used do in love, so much hate these tears running down. So much hate why I have to cry.

Is so funny. I suddenly wake up. Dreamed of him, my dream. I dreamed about all my high school friends. We went to camp somewhere. Then found my dream there. We met there. Sat side by side. Laughed, told many stories. You gave me a beautiful bracelet. I said, I know this bracelet is from inside a girl cologne, but I dont use that. My dream said, yes you rite but I so much know your smell, so I threw the cologne and saved the bracelet for you. I remembered I smiled in shy. Really aslike teenage love birds. I wished my dream was here, beside me. I would wake him up and tell what I just dream. I must be crazy because I still love him.

let me write what are in mind rite now. Almost 4 years I fight with my DDimer. I got miscarriage on my first baby because DDimer. I through heparyn treatment until today because DDimer. Few times I lost conscious because DDimer which make the oxygen through the head and blood not flow in normal. And then ... I got blood cancer symptoms. Really, I am not deny anything. I accept everything which happen to me. I just want, really ... I wont make anyone getting hard because of me. Every pray I perform, I just ask I die so much easily. Tomorrow I will go to hospital for check up the operation result. Everything that happen make me cry easily, like i am doing this time.

2 hours after operation really worked making me cried as like a baby. The effect of pain killer already gone, so it replaced to medicine. The pain aslike a knife sliced my stomach many many times. I learnt to used with it. Learnt to move the body bit by little, learnt to sit and walked. So far ... I already used with the pain. In next few days I hope the pain not that much. Inshaallah.

In today early morning I am going to have chyst ovarian operation. The chyst is placed in my stomach rite in my things, ovarian. It causes so much pain whenever I have period. The chyst long already 2 cm so it has to take away. The operation will take in same scar with caesarean operation when I do khansa in maternity. The risk will be same. But I have through this. I am afraid not for the risk, but because the pain I will have after operation. I am not always the power puff girl.

I lost appetite. Whenever eat, always feel queasy. Feel not good. Almost 1 am rite now. I am going to sleep, before it I want to post blogging. Actually, I miss my dream so much. An angel is someone who always beside to a person. Then, when my time is passed, I really become a real angel who close to him. Will he miss me when I am gone ? Will he cry when I pass ? How will his life will be ? Will he feels break in pieces when loose me ? Will he afraid if I come in his dream ? Then how will he look me in different creatures, still he recognize me ?  Will he mind I am around him even in different world ? . Allah loves me that much, and so do I.

My dream, hug me ... I feel not good.

I just want to say congratulation my dream, finally you got  your degree. All the hard days you had passed through already paid and worth for proud. From looking job very first time, the visa problems, the enrolled university, bank account and so on. I am so happy I was there to hear all your hard. For the first time you go, it was hard for me. But I support you in many doa and prays. Not easy to be so much further from you. But I just silent and through it the days. I always said, no ... just complete your study ... many many times. I so much know if just I say, my dream leave it and be with me, you will do that ... everything but never I say that. Because I know, so much know that degree you dream on since beginning We meet. So I just there, keep everything, support you in many hard days. I remembered how hard many nights in late job, the funny was I always waited you back from work. How can I not cry my dream for all of these. And I am crying just now. I was there in your bad times, and little good times too. Any decisions you will take after this, I will support you. I know and believe you will take what is good one for you.

1 am and awake. I just dreamed of him, my dream. He said like this ; "had I told you not to eat this that much" he threw something from my hands. I suddenly cried. And I said "I am sorry" then he directly hug me "I am sorry my angel, I didnt mean to make you cry. Oh god, you are crying like a kid" in my dreamed he hug me thight. "You threw it, you were angry" I said in crying and what I remembered for rest my dream just hug me.
I dont know should I cry or smile after this. But I just look around and not find him hug me aslike in dream. His eyes capture in mind. Wondering what is he doing this time.

3 am and suddenly wake up. Only one person in mind. My dream. Going back to sleep, wishing he come in dream. Is in his mind there is me ?

the pause

Is late here. Not sleep yet, just finish an order cake. I didnt take any order for almost a week. Because I got sick. And I didnt take many order because I am not well enough. What my dream is doing this time ? Is he remaining of me aslike I am doing rite now ? Is he missing me aslike I am feeling ritte now ? Maybe he is not. I am wondering he is beside me. Want him as always. And I dont know why I am crying, all the moments with him just come in mind which maybe cant repeat. He is my dream, but I feel he already too far to know.

I still cant sleep. The fever at night usually higher than in day. But I think the temperature not as high as yesterday, maybe around 38°c somehow make me so not comfort. The throat feels so dry, dizzy and hard to sleep well. I am trying to sleep. My dream, what are you doing this time ? Is everything fine ? I really shouldnt  need to worry, he is a big boy already a man. But I still worry about him since I know him. Good night my dream, be fine there. Come in dream tonight. Hug me then, you will find what I cant say in words.

I just cant sleep because the fever still 38°c to 39°c. I tried to sleep but the fever really pain so I went to khansa room looking something to read. I found the fifty shades of grey books trilogy. I choose the first book. It was from him, my dream. It was best selling book that time. It always sold out. Until I shared him that I wanted to buy it online. Very surprised he sent them by Amazon for me. I didnt know that time should I cried or smiled when I opened the box that time.
The books so lust and wild. I shouldnt choose this book tonight. It just made me cried just like this. I just stand to read 2 chapters and I returned back to shelf. Everything was remained me to him. Every detail in book remained me to him. So remembered he told me "I dont know about that book. Whatever you read in them just do that only with me" I just said "I will do that only with you" and just right. I never do any of its in book besides with him. Maybe he never come for me, so let I keep all in mind. The wild, the lust, the passion just let I keep it. I am longing him, and still even he went way. I am out of mind.

He is not here. Have fever like this just so right he is here but he is not. I realize he is went away. 39°c temperature make me fading. I cant sleep well, cant eat good, I want e and go aslike a ghost, I just to wait for any a word. Used to cry when sick better than feel pain of sick.

I cant sleep. The headache is too much. The fever so not comfort. The tummy so pain of period. The flu still and really not good. When sick like this I just want my mom but she is not here. I used with him, my dream said how the pain. Spoiled to him just to make me better. Used to cry just what I am doing rite now to ease the pain. The med not work much. I cant sleep, it is so pain.

On bed after baked marble cake. I cant sleep, even 1.30 am rite now. I want to write what in mind tonigh: my dream then he will say : yes then I will write : love me please. But I dont have any brave and confidence to write that. I just write here posting, tears running down. Life already so mean to me. My life wont be that long. Who will stay and be with me when I cant do nothing ?

Yesterday I dreamded of him, my dream. He became a prince. And just now I dreamed I became a wife of adam levine, maroon 5. What a really dream. I just took med for flu. I become so easily get flu and sore throat my doctor said my imune so easily effected from virus. Yes thats so true because my white blood is much bigger amount than the re blood. The white cells of blood take more part of red blood cells, the imune itself slowly taken by the white. I am afraid, off course I am afraid. Cant imagine how life will bring with condition like this.

I am not dreaming tonight. I wake up suddenly after heard something. Exactly remembered what it was "my angel, wake up ... I am here" in asecond maybe I opened my eyes and didnt find him,,my dream. No one whispered that. What it was about ? Am I too tired today until I got this hallucination ? Am I miss him that much until like this ? Or am I worry about him ? Or there something happen ? I just finished performed tahajud, prayed for good. I wont cry and never plan even has bit intention to cry. It just come out itself. Too tired with these tears.

Missing my dream. Does he feel same ? I really dont know. Maybe he doesnt feel as like as I feel.

I wake up this late. I dreamed of him, my dream. I cried in his hug but I didnt know why. I looked around, it is so late, dark, silent and cold. What is he doing this time ? What will happen in future ? What will happen with me, him then us ? Wondering he is sleeping besides me tonight, staring his face while he is sleeping. I give everything for him, suddenly remain what we had been through. I dont know why I am crying just now.

Wake up in crying. I miss my dream. I dont know how to say it missing him like this making me this way. I dont know does he feel same ? I dreamed of him he didn't say anything Just staring me. Missing my dream.

I am nit feel good. Headache, sore throat, fever. I have flu and getting worst tonight. Raining outside. Wondering I am in my dream hug. It must be warm and comfort. Tgat so much perfect when sick like this in his hug and holding. My dream, please hug me still

Wondering hiw it feels I am in his hug. I dont have much words to say. I miss my dream.

You know what I am remembering rite now ? The old days with my dream when he still in Pakistan. Very old days. Every night I always wait his text that he already at home after college. That time he used to write "my angel I am online". I woke up then went online on skype to chat with him until dawn, atleast one of us fall asleep. If I really very tired and sleepy after worked sometimes I just fall asleep after read his text. I worried if he didn't text me when he already home. Worry to him already part of me. My tears just come out. I hate when crying like this. I miss everything what he and me passed through. He already took my heart.

Raining outside. As if my dream beside me tonight, I would sleep in his hug. I miss my dream.

What John Legend says in his song just rite through with me.

"All of me" from John Legend. The lyrics ... everything is rite for me. It is honest, true and sincere.

[Verse 1:]
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

[Verse 2:]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

[Bridge:]
Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

"My dream " I wrote by mail to him. He replied "yes" I stared to screen what just he wrote. Then tonight when I am laying on bed, my mind always go to him. I miss my dream. Miss everything what we have. The intimate things which make us close by ages. He knows me that much to the details. Knowing my size, shape, look, act, passion, even my smell without seeing. How can I live without him ? I am wondering he is beside me rite now. Loving me gently aslike he does. I never understand why I am crying just now. I am feeling him that real. I realize, we argue aslike a couple who had been lived together by half ages. In every pray and doa I always ask to take care him because he is my sun, my moon and my star.

I dreamed of him last night, he looked down. I don't know what made him that way. I hug him tight from back, but he looked same. I so remembered what he said last night "My angel ..." with deep breath. I forgot what i said, but seemed i said somethings to boost his mood. You know what i saw last night in dreamed ? we talked in dining room while i prepared some food on table. Maybe because last night i made chocolate roll cake :) so it brought until in dreaming. He sat on chair with very bad mood face and really i didn't like that face. My dream seemed waiting what i served for him on table. The dining room, beige wall, the table and the chairs well it was as like as a house. Were we in a house last night ? then whose house ?. My dream, i really hope you are just fine. But maybe this 'miss' feeling make me dreamed of him again and again. Wherever you go and whatever you do, just please be careful. Want to kiss you.

I AM LAYING ON BED, WONDERING MY DREAM IS. HEARD HIS VOICE ON PHONE MADE ME FELT GREAT. I MISS HIM ... MUCH ... A LOT ... WHEN IN MIND STARTING TO WONDER HE IS BESIDE ME RITE NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN ? I WANT IN HIS HUG, ASLIKE A BABY IN A MOTHER HOLDING. MY DREAM, PLEASE TAKE CARE YOURSELF. PLEASE BE CAREFUL. I ALWAYS PRAY FOR GOOD FOR MY DREAM.  I WONT SEE YOU IN ANY HARD THINGS. MY DREAM, HOW FAR YOU ARE IN MILES FROM ME. YOU ALWAYS BE IN THIS HEART, IN SAME PLACE AND SIZE. YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW, YOU ARE IN ME ALWAYS. MY DREAM, SOMETIMES I AM NOT GOOD IN SAYING, BUT HEART WONT LIE. PLEASE BE STRONG, TOUGH AND SURVIVE FOR ME. BECAUSE I DEPEND ON YOU.

TODAY IS IDUL FITRI. THIS YEAR I TOTALLY RECEIVED ORDER COOKIES AND CAKES. ALMOST A MONTH I TOOK SLEEP ONLY 2 TO 3 HOURS. BAKED AT NIGHT UNTIL DAWN. EVEN THE LAST DAY, LAST NIGHT ONE OF MY NEIGHBOUR ASKED ME  TO MAKE MARBLE CAKE. SHE SAID SORRY BECAUSE REALLY LATE, SOMEHOW I CANT SAY NO, SHE IS MY CLOSEST NEIGHBOUR SO I SAID YES, INSHAALLAH. SO AGAIN I TOOK SLEEP AT 4 AM AND WAKE UP AT 6  AM. I AM SLEEPY AND JUST GET FLU. THIS YEAR .... EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. MY PARENTS MAYBE WONT TOGETHER CELEBRATE IED. MY DREAM, WE NOT TOGETHER IN RAMADHAN AND IED THIS YEAR. I THINK I CANT CRY ENOUGH ... MY TEARS ALREADY ENOUGH. I JUST DONT GET IT, WHY EVERYONE SAYS SOMETHING HURT ME. MAYBE I BORN TO BE USED GETTING HURT. MAYBE I DESERVE IT, TO MAKE ME MORE PATIENCE, ACCEPTING AND TOUGH. THIS HERAT HELD NOT TO CRY BUT MY EYES WONT LIE. THEY ARE EMPTY AND TEARY. HAPPY IED. INSHAALLAH I STILL MEET RAMADHAN NEXT YEAR.

MY DREAM ... I MISS YOU

STILL RAINING OUTSIDE. 3.43 AM AND STILL BAKING FOR WAITING LIST ORDER PASTRY. TOMORROW I HAVE TO START BAKING FOR CAKE ORDER UNTIL 2 DAYS BEFORE IDUL FITRI. OH GOD, SO MANY LIST TO DO. I JUATJUST FINISHED 60 PACKAGE COOKIES ORDER AND ALREADY DELIVERED THEM. I AM HAPPY, TIRED AND SLEEPY. LOOK NOW ... I JUST LAYING ON COUCH. MY MIND STARTING WILD. WONDERING MY DREAM. I WONT LIE, BE NAIF AND HIDE IT. I AM LONGING HIS HUG, KISS, TOUCH AND LOVE HIM. I MISS MY DREAM. I LOVE HIM. I WANT AND NEED HIM. LOOK NOW, I JUST START CRYING. REMAIN THE MOMENTS WITH HIM MAKE ME SPEECHLESS. MISSING MY DREAM LIKE THIS ... WHAT CAN I SAY ? I PRAY FOR GOOD FOR HIM, HOPE HE JUST FINE. HE IS MY DREAM, ONE AND ONLY.

I DREAMED OF HIM LAST NIGHT, MY DREAM. WHAT I REMEMBERED HE LOOKED SAD AND DOWN. I FORGOT WHAT HAPPENED IN DREAMING. HE JUST LOOKED SO DOWN. BUT I SO REMEMBERED I CARESSED HIS FACE AND  RUB HIS HAIR GENTLY, I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING I JUST KISSED HIS EYES AND SMILED TO HIM  MY DREAM HUG ME TIGHT. WE WERE IN SILENT. I HOPE YOU ARE JUST FINE THERE MY DREAM.

RAMADHAN THIS YEAR FEELS SO DIFFERENT. I PASS SAHUR AND BREAK FASTING WITHOUT MY DREAM. FOR MANY YEARS I PASSED THROUGH WITH HIM. WHEN START FASTING HE USED WITH ME, ASKED ME WHAT I ATE. SOMEHOW HE WAKE ME UP AND I DO SAME. WHEN BREAK FASTING HE ALWAYS SAID "EAT MUCH" AND I USED TO SAY "WHAT YOU HAVE FOR BREAK YOUR FASTING" . SOMEHOW I TOOK MUCH CONCERN WHEN HE IS IN UK. LONGER HOURS IN FASTING AND NOT EASY COOK PREAPARED ASLIKE HE WAS IN PAKISTAN. OFF COURSE HE DO ALL BY HIMSELF. BUT LAST YEAR, HE GOT SICK MANY DAYS. SO I HOPE HE MUCH BETTER THIS YEAR. I MISS MANY MOMENTS LIKE THAT. I MISS THE WAY HE CALL ME "MY ANGEL". I MISS THE WAY HE LOVES ME IN GENTLE. I MISS THE WAY HE IS IN MANY THINGS. HIS JOKES, TEASE, LAUGH AND MANY MANY THINGS. I MISS HIM MORE. I AM THE SAME PERSON. SAME HEART AND FEELING TO HIM. ALLAH KNOWS BETTER. ALLAH KNOWS HOW IT FEELS. LOVE AS LIKE MINE ... ALLAH KNOWS IT. MISSING YOU SO MUCH MR TAIMOOR.

RAINING ALL DAY LONG. FOR LAST TWO WEEKS I JUST SLEEP ABOUT 2 TO 3 HOURS IN A DAY. I BAKE THE ORDER COOKIES ON THE LIST. THE LAST ORDER IS ON THE 3RD DAY BEFORE IDUL FITRI COME. :( IT'S CROWDED. WHEN THE ORDER COME I REALLY CANT SAY NO BECAUSE EVERYONE SAYS "PLEASE IT IS FOR IDUL FITRI, PLEASE TAKE MY ORDER" WHEN THEY SAY SAY LIKE THAT SOMWHOW I JUST SAY "I WILL TRY, INSHAALLAH". HARD TO BELIEVE THAT. MAYBE AFTER IDUL FITRI I WILL BE OFF FOR ORDER FOR A MONTH :) MY DREAM, HUG, I WANT TO SLEEP

MY DREAM, I MISS YOU.

MY DREAM, I CUT MY HAIR YESTERDAY. THE HAIR FLOSS SO ... MUCH. MAYBE THE MEDICINE I TOOK SO FAR FOR DDIMER AND WHITE BLOOD CELL EFFECTED MUCH FOR ME. I KEPT THE HAIR LONG UNTIL REACH MY WAIST BUT I CUT IT TO MY SHOULDER. I STARED SO MANY HAIR CUT AND FELL ON FLOOR SO ... SAD. I AM SORRY MY DREAM. I MISS MY DREAM. HOPE YOU ARE JUST FINE. REALLY MISS MY DREAM. LOOK NOW, I JUST CRY WHEN MISSING YOU LIKE THIS. I AM LONGING YOUR HUG. PLEASE TAKE CARE YOURSELF, I KNOW YOU WILL. SO MILES AWAY FROM YOU, THERE HAS SOMEONE MAKE YOU AS THE SUN, THE STAR AND THE MOON.

NO, I DONT ASK MUCH TONIGHT. I JUST WANT MY DREAM COME IN DREAMING. HOLD AND HUG ME WHILE SLEEPING. I JUST FINISHED BAKING FOR ORDER AND NOW 2.26 AM. TIRED BUT HAPPY. THEN HAVING DREAM LIKE THAT IT ASLIKE A BONUS. GOOD NIGHT, WISHING TO MEET YOU IN DREAM.

2.43 AM AND JUST FINISHED BAKING ORDER. I CONSIDERED NOT TO SLEEP AFTER THIS, IN FEW HOURS I WILL START FASTING SO I THINK I WILL SLEEP LATER. SOMETIMES WHEN NOT DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS I JUST REMAIN TO HIM, MY DREAM. WHERE IS HE, HOW IS HE ? WHAT IS HE DOING ? WHEN WILL HE CALL ME AGAIN ? QUESTIONS SOMETHING AROUND. I WISH HE IS FINE AND GOOD. MANY THINGS CHANGE BUT I JUST SAME. HMMMH ... WONDERING HE IS HUGGING ME RITE NOW. YOU ARE MY DREAM. SEE YOU ... I WILL PERFORM TAHAJUD.

I MISS YOU MY DREAM, SO ... MUCH

THE SCENT OF COCONUT VANILLA BODY SCRUB WHICH I TOOK THIS AFTERNOON STILL SMELL SO GOOD ON TO MY SKIN. 12.48 AM RITE NOW. I JUST LAYING ON BED READY TO SLEEP. MY MIND JUST GO TO HIM, MY DREAM. WONDERING HE IS BESIDE ME. HUG ME GENTLY AROUND HIS HANDS AND CHEST. FEELING HIS WARMTH.. I AM SO OLDER THAN HIM. BUT I ALWAYS LOVE HIS HUG ASLIKE A KID, MY DREAM, YOU ARE MY PASSION. THE WAY HE LOVES ME COULD MAKE ME NEVER STOP. SO MANY BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS WITH HIM WHICH I WONT AND NEVER FORGET. I LOVE HIS GENTLY ON WAY TO ME. WORDS NEVER ENOUGH DESCRIBE HIM. BECAUSE HE IS MY DREAM. TOMORROW INSHAALLAH WILL BE FIRST DAY FASTING MONTH OF RAMADHAN IN INDONESIA. I WISH MY DREAM IN GOOD CONDITION FOR THROUGH RAMADHAN THIS YEAR. I HOPE HE TAKE CARE HIMSELF IN GOOD. I AM MISSING YOU, MY DREAM.

4.08 AM AND I JUST FINISH BAKING FOR CAKE AND COOKIES ORDER. AFTER CLEAN MYSELF AND NOW I JUST LAYING ON BED. TIRED AND SLEEPY. AS IF MY DREAM WAS HERE, I JUST WANT SLEEP IN HIS HUG. MY DREAM, I AM MISSIG YOU SO MUCH.

I JUST BACK FROM MILA HOUSE. I TOOK KHANSA WITH ME TO MEET MILA. SHE JUST HAD MATERNITY LAST WEEK. A BABY GIRL NEW BORN. HER SECOND DAUGHTER. HER FIRST DAUGHTER AGE JUST DIFFERENT 3 MOTNHS FROM KHANSA. UNTIL NEXT YEAR MILA AND HER HUSBAND ALONG WITH THEY TWO DAUGHTERS WILL BE IN INDONESIA. AFTER THAT THEY WILL BE BACK TO KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA. A BABY NEW BORN, SO SMALL ... WHEN KHANSA WAS A BABY JUST SAME LIKE THAT. I CARRIED THE BABY, SMALL, BEAUTIFUL, SMELL GOOD. I SMILED A LOT WHILE HOLDING HER. I HAD A DREAM ... REALLY I HAD A DREAM. WHEN MIRACLE COME, THE BABY, ME AND MY DREAM. EVEN IT MIGHT BE RISKED FOR ME, BUT I WOULD TRY WITH HIM. I TOUCHED HER SKIN GENTLY, I SAID "SHE IS BEAUTIFUL MILA" I STARED THE BABY IN GLASSED EYES HOLD TO CRY. REMAINED WHAT DREAMED I HAD. "YES SHE IS" MILA ANSWERED. I SMILED TO MILA "INSHAALLAH, ALLAH WILL BLESS HER ALWAYS" I SAID TO MILA. SHE HUG ME SOFTLY, SHE WHISPERED TO ME, I STILL REMEMBERED WHAT SHE SAID TO ME "PLEASE BE STRONG"

WHAT CAN I SAY ? THE WAITING LIST ORDER UNTIL JULY. I REALIZE RAMADHAN WILL COME NEXT WEEK AND FEW WEEKS AFTER THAT WILL BE IDUL FITRI. SO NO WONDER THE WAITING LIST COME. I WISH I STILL HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO SLEEP. USUALLY AND ALWAYS BE I SLEEP AT DAWN WHEN MANY ORDER COME. I TAKE SLEEP MAYBE 2 HOURS AND THE REST FOR ALL DAY KHANSA WITH ME. THEN THE NIGHT COME SO BAKING JUST STARTING AGAIN. I ENJOY IT EVEN TIRED BUT SO DELIGHT WHEN SOMEONE OR SOME LIKE WHAT I MAKE. COOKIE, CAKE, PASTRY, BREAD AND PRALINE. WHAT MOST EXCITED WAS ... I JUST BOUGHT NEW OVEN FOR BAKING AND ROAST. IS MUCH BIGGER THAN I HAVE IN PAST. I HAVE ELECTRIC AND GAS OVEN BUT LOOKING FOR EFFECTIVENESS AND EFFICIENCY I NEED THE BIGGER ONE. I HAD ORDERED LAST WEEK AND FEW HOURS AGO THE LOVELY OVEN ALREADY CAME AND PUT NICELY IN THE KITCHEN. MY HEART IS CLAPPING RITE NOW... HAPPY ... IS FINE I AM
SPENDING MUCH MONEY FOR ITS, WELL ANOTHER INVESTMENT RITE ?! I CAN SLEEP SO ... SO ... SO ... TIGHT. I JUST LOOK BIT TO THE KITCHEN ... THE BACK YARD, NICE SMALL GARDEN IN BACK, THE STAR AND MOON ABOVE, CLEAN AND SHINE KITCHEN THEN THE LOVELY BIG OVEN JUST STANDING THERE. SO GRATEFUL TO ALLAH TO GIVE ME SO MUCH FOR ME .... IS THAT PATIENCE FOR THROUGH HARD LIFE.

"BUNDA, WHY ARE YOU CRYING ?" KHANSA MY DAUGHTER, ASKED ME WHEN SHE SAW ME AFTER PERFORMED SHOLAT. "NOTHING" I ANSWERED. "WHY ARE YOU CRYING ?" SHE STILL ASKED ME. "NOTHING KHANSA" I ANSWERED SLOWLY. "WHY BUNDA ... BUNDA ?" SHE URGED ME. I TOOK HER ON MY LAP "IS FINE KHANSA" SHE LOOKED ME "BUNDA" SHE SAID IN STARING EYES. I WHISPERED IN HEART ; "YOU ARE 2, HOW YOU CAN UNDERSTAND BUNDA IS FEELING RITE NOW. BUNDA JUST MISSING A MAN WHOM BUNDA CALLED MY DREAM. BUNDA IS MISSING HIM AS A MAN, A PERSON WHO BUNDA KNOW SINCE LONG" I WIPED THE TEARS AND SAID TO KHANSA "NOTHING KHANSA" I SMILED TO HER.

I DREAMED MY DREAM LAST NIGHT :) LOOK HOW RED MY FACE RITE NOW. YOU KISSED ME SO ... HUG ME SO ... EVEN IT JUST DREAM I FEEL SO GREAT BECOUSE SEE YOU

RAINING. HOW CAN I AM NOT REMIND OF MY DREAM ? WHAT IS HE DOING RITE NOW ? IS HE GOOD ? I AM ... WONDERING, SLEEPING IN HIS HUG. THE TEARS ALWAYS CONE LIKE THIS. I CANT WRITE MUCH IN THIS POST. IN MY HEAD EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.

MY DREAM ..., HUG

12.31 AM AND STILL CANT SLEEP. I FEEL NOT GOOD. BIT HEADACHE AND PAIN ON BACK, WRIST AND FEET. AT NIGHT EVERYTHING SO SILENT I LIKE THE CALMNESS AND THE AIR. I AM LAYING ON BED, WATCHING KHANSA IS SLEEPING SO TIGHT. FROM LAST TWO DAYS SHE SAID HER TUMMY ACHE. TWICE VOMIT AND MADE ME WORRIED. SHE HAD NEW HABBIT, BITE HER NAILS. AND THATS NOT GOOD. MAYBE THAT NEW HABBIT MAKE HER TUMMY ACHE. I CANCELLED THE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT TONIGHT, AFTER SAW HER BACK TO NORMAL. ACTIVE ASLIKE NEW CHARGE BATTERY :) SO BEAUTIFUL WHAT I AM WONDERING RITE NOW. MY DREAM JUST COME TO HUG ME FROM BACK AND I AM CLOSING MY EYES, PRETENDING TO SLEEP SO HE NEVER LET GO THAT HUG. I COULD FEEL HIS WARM, SMELL AND BREATH. I WILL WAIT UNTIL HE REALLY SLEEP. SO THAT I COULD STARE HIS FACE WITHOUT HIS NOTICE. I WILL STAND NOT TO KISS HIM, NOT TO WAKE HIM UP UNTIL NEXT MORNING. HE WILL HAVE MY MORNING KISS AT FIRST HE OPEN HIS EYES. I WILL SEND DOA TO ALLAH TO TAKE CARE MY DREAM IF JUST I GO BEFORE HIM, HE IS THE BEST I EVER HAVE. MAYBE MY WONDERING TOO MUCH BUT I SINK IN ITS. I AM CRYING BUT I AM SMILING, MY WONDERING IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

SUDDENLY WAKE UP AT 12.21 AM. ITS PAIN. THE PERIOD COMES AND THE PAIN SLOWLY KILLED ME. THAT TOO MUCH :) YES ITS PAIN BUT NOT UNTIL KILL ME. PETER CETERA WITH GLORY OF LOVE WTH PIANO VERSION. I REMEMBER, WHEN I WAS KID I HAD PIANO COURSE, AT FIRST MAYBE I LIKE IT BUT SOMEHOW I CANT FIND MYSELF MORE GOOD IN IT, SO I STOP IT. I FIND MYSELF MORE COMFORT IN READING AND WRITING. I WROTE A LOT WHEN I WAS SCHOOL. I REALLY FORGOT WHO, WHEN AND WHERE MY STORIESIRS WERE BORROWED. SOME STILL IN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE IN MY ROOM ARE KEPT. WHEN I OPENED, I SAW MY WRITTEN SO IMAGINING. I REALIZE HOW CREATIVE I WAS. ALL THE BOOKS :) ALREADY MOVED IN MANY BOXES BY MY MOTHER, ONE DAY SHE SAID "I DONT WHERE I SHOULD PUT YOUR BOOKS?" I SEE SOME STACK BOXES IN STORE ROOM AT HOUSE AND I JUST SAID "I DONT KNOW TOO". I CAN BE IN MY ROOM ALL DAY IN READING AND WRITING. ANOTHER I CAN BE IN KITCHEN FROM MORNING TO LATE JUST FOR BAKING. I LIKE AT HOME THAN GO OUTSIDE. WHEN I GO SOMEWHERE, I USED ALONE. I AM NOT ALONER BUT I USED WITH THAT. I DONT HAVE MANY FRIENDS WHO CLOSE MUCH JUST FEW BUT LAST UNTIL TODAY. FROM LAST 7 YEARS I REALIZE I JUST HAVE ONE PERSON WHO ALWAYS BE MY PLACE TO SHARE, TALK AND HEAR. MY DREAM. HE IS NOT JUST MY BEST FRIEND BUT ALSO LIFE FOR ME. NOWDAYS ... I JUST HAVE MY WRITTEN AS MY PLACE. IS GOING LATE, MAYBE I SHOULD TRY BACK TO SLEEP, AND MAYBE THE PAIN MUCH BETTER WHILE
I AM SLEEPING. GOOD NIGHT BLOG. 

2 AM, I WAKE UP AND CANT BACK TO SLEEP. I AM RITE, I JUST HAVE MY 1ST DAY PERIOD TODAY AND IT FEELS PAIN. I STARTED MY DAY WITH BAD PAIN. AFTER TOOK BATH AND COOKED, I SAW 'THE LAKE HOUSE' ON CABLE TV. I CHANGED IT AT FIRST, BUT IN MINUTES I WATCHED IT UNTIL END. THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS ORIGINAL MOVIE WAS FROM KOREAN MOVIE 'IL MARE'. IT WAS A WONDERFUL MOVIE. I HAD DREAM HOUSE AFTER WATCHED 'THE LAKE HOUSE' IT SHOWED THE HOUSE WHAT I REALLY WANT. THE STORY SO BEAUTIFUL, I CANT SAY IN WORDS. THE LAST TIME I SAW 'THE LAKE HOUSE' MAYBE AROUND NOVEMBER OR MIGHT BE DECEMBER LAST YEAR. I WATCHED IT MANY TIMES. SOMEHOW I WONT WATCH THAT MOVIE FOR A WHILE, I AM AFRAID OF LOVE MOVIES SINCE LAST DECEMBER SO I UNTIL TODAY I DONT WATCH ANY LOVE MOVIES. I WATCH ACTIONS AND CARTOONS. WHEN I WATCH 'THE LAKE HOUSE' I JUST SAW ME AS KATE AND MY DREAM AS ALEX. I DIDNT PLAN TO CRY, BUT TEARS JUST COME THEMSELF. THE STORY SO TOUCHING ME DEEEP. I SAW LETTERS, LETTERS AND MANY LETTERS IN MOVIE. JUST REMAIN ME ABOUT ALL THE LETTERS FROM MY DREAM. I ALREADY BURNT THEM ALL NOT EXCEPT THE CARDS. I REALLY CANT READ THEM ALL AGAIN, I AM AFRAID FEEL MORE PAIN. I STILL THE SAME PERSON TO MY DREAM. SOMEONE WHO I GIVE THIS HEART EVEN I NEVER MEET HIM. NO ONE KNOWS 'THE LAKE HOUSE' IS ONE OF THE MOST MOVIE I LIKE AND WATCH MANY TIMES. EVEN MY DREAM NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS. 
WHAT I ALWAYS REMEMBER THE LINE OF THE MOVIE WHEN ALEX SAY TO KATE : DONT WORRY KATE, WE WILL BE TOGETHER IN TIME EVEN WE ARE FAR AWAY APART. I WILL FIND A WAY TO CLOSE TO YOU, TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.
WHEN THAT PART AND THE LINE CAME ON SCREEN, I SAID IN HEART SO BEAUTIFUL WORDS TO SAY. 

MY TUMMY IS PAIN :( I THINK ... MAYBE I WILL HAVE PERIOD SOON. USUAL PAIN AS ALWAYS :(

"AUNTIE RYZA, MAY CARRA COME TO HOUSE ?" SHE ASKED BY PHONE. I CANT SAY NO, SO AT NOON SHE CAME TO HOUSE AND PLAYED WITH KHANSA. ALONE WITHOUT HER MOTHER. SO IT COULD SAY ... HERE THE COME ... SCREAM, CRY, JUMP, AND MESS. WHEN KHANSA MEET CARRA IT CAN SAY, ANOTHER WAR. IN FEW MINUTES THEY PLAY, NEXT MINUTES THEY SCREAM, NEXT MINUTES ONE OF THEM CRY, NEXT MINUTES ONE JUMP AND ONE RUN, NEXT MINUTES MANY MANY MANY TOYS ON FLOOR AND THE REST ... MESS. SHE IS SO MUCH ACTIVE KID. 5 YEARS OLD. KHANSA ... SO MUCH ACTIVE TOO, 2 YEARS OLD. WHEN FEED THEM ... THEY JUST SIT BECAUSE I ASK THEM IN FIRM. WHEN BATH ... OH GOD ... SEEMS LIKE I BATHING THE TWIN ... SPLASH HERE AND THERE EVEN TO MY CLOTHES. WHEN AT THE END I CANT STAND TO SEE THE HOUSE TOTALLY IN MESS, I TAKE THEM TO PLAYGROUND ... AND OFF COURSE ALL POEPLE STARE AT ME CAUSE ONE JUMP ONE RUN AND USUALLY END WITH ONE SCREAM AND ONE CRY BUT THEY JUST BACK PLAY TOGETHER AGAIN. AFTER SEND HER BACK TO HER HOUSE, KHANSA JUST SLEEP AND SLEEP AND I CAN DRIVE SO PEACE AND SEEMS LIKE I FOUND HEAVEN. I WAKE UP AT 3 AND CLEAN THE HOUSE ... REALLY IT TAKE ALMOST 2 HOURS TO CLEAN THEM ALL. CARRA ... YOU ARE REALLY SO SOMETHING AND KHANSA ... YOU ARE SO ... WHAT CAN I SAY ... PAUSE IN A BIT, BUNDA REALLY NEED DEEP BREATH.

RAINIG ALL DAY UNTIL THIS MIDNIGHT. WHAT MY DREAM IS DOING RITE NOW ? HOW IS HE ? HAS HE EAT ? BUSY MAYBE. I HOPE HE TAKE CARE HIMSELF IN GOOD. TODAY, I MAKE ELEPHANT EAR PASTRY FOR KHANSA WITH SUGAR ON TOP. SHE REALLY LOVE THAT PIE. IT IS CALLED TOO : GENJI PIE. WHEN THE PIE OUT FROM THE OVEN I STARED THEM. I LIKE SWEET BUT I AM
SO KNOW MY DREAM NOT LIKE SWEET TOO MUCH. I REALIZE I HAD KNOWN MANY WHAT HE LIKE OR NO. MAYBE ONE DAY, EVEN I DONT KNOW WHEN, I CAN MAKE HIM SOMETHING WHICH IS NOT SWEET. I WONT CRY REALLY, BUT TEARS JUST DRIP LIKE THAT. HE HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES. SO ENVY HE HAS EYE SHAPE LIKE AN ALMOND. GOOD NIGHT MY DREAM, HUG. 

I JUST TOOK BATH. CLEAN MYSELF BEFORE SLEEP IS ALWAYS BE MY HABBIT. KHANSA IS SLEEPING TIGHT. DOCTOR SAID, SHE GOT VIRUS WHICH MAKE HER BODY HAD RED PATTERNS. SOME PATTERNS SLOWLY DISSAPEARED. HER TEMPERTURE ALREADY BACK TO NORMAL. SO GLAD TO SEE HER BETTER. I WILL GO TO SLEEP. I WANT TO DREAM HIM, MY DREAM. I WISH HE COME IN DREAM ALWAYS. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM, SOMEHOW DREAM ABOUT HIM SO MUCH HELP.  "LOOK KHANSA, A MOON IN THE SKY. MANY STARS RITE". SOMETIMES I CARRY KHANSA TO THE KITCHEN TO SEE THEM AT NIGHT WHEN SHE NOT SLEEP UNTIL LATE NIGHT. SOMETIMES I THINK, IS MY DREAM SEE THE MOON WHICH I SEE ?. HE IS MILLION MILES AWAY FROM ME, BUT MY DREAM ALWAYS IN HEART.

I AM ON DOCTOR WATING ROOM. KHANSA, MY DAUGHTER, GOT MEASLES SINCE YESTERDAY. I SHOULD COME YESTERDAY, BUT I GOT NUMBER SO LATE ON WAITING LIST SO HERE I AM RITE NOW. SHE IS SLEEPING. ALL HER BODY GET RED MARK AND SMALL DOT ASLIKE CHICKEN POX AND DONGUE FEVER. I SURPRISED WHEN SAW HER BODY LIKE THAT, BUT SHE DIDNT GET FEVER. AFTER DID GOOGLE I KNEW IT WAS MEASLES. SHE STILL ACTIVE, EAT, DRINK AMDAND SLEEP ASLIKE NORMAL. BUT SHE ALWAYS ASK ME TO CARRY HER. MAYBE SHE FEEL HER BODY NOT WELL. 9.49 PM AND STILL WAITING. WOW ... I COULD GET AT 12 MAYBE. SHE ALREADY GOT VACCINE OF MEASLES LAST YEAR MAYBE THAT'S WHY THE VIRUS NOT TOO MUCH EFFECT TO HER BUT STILL I WORRY ABOUT THAT ALL RED PATTERN ON HER BODY. SHE ALWAYS SAID "BUNDA ... ITCHY" SO I CARESSED HER SKIN ALL THE TIME. GET WELL SOON KHANSA. BUNDA LOVES YOU.

MY DREAM, I MISS YOU.

I FEEL LIKE A COOKIE. I HAD COCONUT VANILLA BODY SCRUB FOR BATH, THE SMELL STILL ON MY SKIN UNTIL THIS MIDNIGHT. I HAD COCOA BODY BUTTER WHICH HELP ME SLEEP EASIER SO FAR. THEN I JUST FINISHED THE DOUBLE CHOC BUTTER COOKIES BEFORE SLEEP. I THOUGHT ONE COOKIE WAS ENOUGH BUT I COULDNT STOP FOR THREE COOKIES AND HELD MYSELF NOT TO FINISH WHOLE COOKIES PACKAGE. I STILL HAD SOME ICE CREAM ON REFRIGERATOR, ALL THE BRANDS ; WALLS, BASKIN ROBBNS AND HAGEN DAZ  WITH MY LIFE FAV FLAVOR VANILLA, STRAWBERRY, CHOC AND MINT. ONE BIG SPPON FULL SCOOP  FOR EACH, SO AFTERALL THREE SCOOP WAS REALLY ENOUGH.. I  AM FEELING MY TUMMY SO COLD AS LIKE AN ICE. IT IS MIDNIGHT, 12.21 AM. I JUST WONDERED AS IF MY DREAM WAS BESIDE ME, I WOULD SNEAK TO HIS HUG FOR FINDING THE WARMTH. OFF COURSE I WONT TELL HIM WHAT I JUST ATE OTHERWISE HE COULD FUSSY. IN HIS HUG I WOULD SAY ; MY DREAM, I FEEL SO COOKIES.

I ALWAYS LOVE TIME LIKE THIS. WHEN EVERYTHING IS DONE. THE ORDER BAKING, THE KITCHEN CLEAN, HAVING BATH, KHANSA IS SLEEPING, IPOD, WRITING BLOG AND JUST LAYING ON BED. WHAT MAKE MORE PERFECT IS ; RAINING OUTSIDE. SO MUCH LOVE THE SOUND OF RAINING. MY DREAM CALLED ME THIS DAWN. I JUST WAKE UP AND HE CALLED ME. SEEMED LIKE HE WAS BESIDE ME THAT TIME. SOMEHOW I CRIED THE FEELINGS WERE MIXED. I PAUSED MANY MANY TIMES WHILE TALKING, HID THE CRIED BUT HE KNEW IT. IT WAS GREAT TO KNOW HE WAS GOOD AND FINE. WISH I CAN HUG MY DREAM THAT TIME,

"MY ANGEL, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ?" ASKED MY DREAM. "YES" I ANSWERED. "IN A WEEK, HOW MANY TIMES HE LOVE YOU ?" ASKED HIM TOWARDLY. "FROM 0 TO 1" I ANSWERED. "HAVE YOU REMEMBER ME ?" ASKED HIM. "ALWAYS. I ALWAYS DO. HAVE YOU KNOW I CRY AT BATH ROOM WHILE CLEAN MY SELF. I FEEL PAIN. I FEEL LIKE A BITCH. ALL THE FEELINGS JUST COME TO YOU. AND I JUST CRIED. I THINK HE SHOULD PAY ME SO HIGH. I AM EDUCATED, FULLY TRIMMED AND CLEAN" I PAUSED. AND MY DREAM JUST HUG ME AGAIN AND AGAIN. SO MANY WORDS OF 'HUG' ON SCREEN AND I JUST CRY. ALL THE FEELINGS COME TO MY DREAM WHO OWN ME TOP TO TOE AND HEART ITSELF. "HE NOT AS LIKE YOU. YOU ARE MY DREAM" I SAID. "YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN HIM ?" HE ASKED. "FOR ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK ? LOVING YOU MORE THAN YOU THNK".
I AM SORRY, I CANT GO ON WRITING TO END THIS POST, FEEL PAIN INSIDE.

MY DREAM, I AM MISSING YOU.

SOUND OF RAINING OUTSIDE WAKE ME UP. BEING MORE COLD INSIDE. NO OTHER THINGS BESIDE MY DREAM THIS TIME. HE WILL BE FINE, I SHOULD BELIEVE THAT. EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. I USED TO TELL HIM WHEN RAIN COME. I AM WONDERING HE LAY BESIDE ME RITE NOW. THROUGH NITE WITH LOVE HIM. HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE ME LOOSE CONTROL, ONLY HE KNOWS IT. I NEVER KNOW HIS TOUCH AND WARMTH. BUT I COULD FEEL IN CLOSING EYES. I AM SO FAR FROM PERFECTAND SPECIAL, WITH HIM I COULD FEEL SO. HOW BEAUTIFUL BE ME, IF FOUND HIM BEFORE AND AFTER I SLEEP. CRYING JUST NOW, SOMEHOW THE TEARS DRIP SLOWLY. MEET YOU IN DREAM TONIGHT,

"BUNDA, WHERE IS IT ?" KHANSA ASKED NEW THINGS WHEN SAW MY DREAM'S PHOTO ON LONDON BRIDGE. "ON LONDON BRIDGE" I ANSWERED. "LATER, WE GO THERE RITE" SHE SAID. I PAUSED. "IT IS FAR KHANSA" I STILL FED HER LUNCH. "SO WE DRIVE BY CAR" SHE SAID. I SMILED "NO, WE SHOULD GO BY PLANE TO REACH THAT. LONDON IS NOT IN JAKARTA" I EXPLAINED. WITH THAT STYLE SHE SAID "OH THAT SO" ALWAYS LIKE THAT. "SO, LATER WE GO THERE" SHE SAID. I FOLOWED HER IMAGINATION "WITH WHO ? BUNDA COMING OR NO?" I ASKED. "KHANSA AND BUNDA. LATER WE GO THERE" SHE ANSWERED. I SMILED AND CARESSED HER HAIR.  INSIDE ME, MY HEART JUST CRIED "INSHAALLAH, BOTH OF US. KHANSA AND BUNDA. GO THERE" AFTER HER LUNCH FINISHED, I WENT TO KITCHEN AND CRIED THERE. KHANSA ... THAT PERSON YOU ASKED WAS A PERSON WHO BUNDA CALLED 'MY DREAM' FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS UNTIL TODAY.

A WOMAN CAN KEEP HER BIG SECRET WHOLE LIFE, IT IS ME. THE LOVE WHICH I KEEP FOR MY DREAM, ONLY WITH THIS BLOG THE HONESTY, SINCERITY. DREAMS, WISH, HOPES, LONGING, PASSION, WONDERING, EMOTION, MEMORIES, MISSING AND LOVE ITSELF ARE WRITTEN. I NEVER MEET HIM. BUT HIS ALWAYS LIVE IN MIND AND HEART. MY LOVE IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND. I ALWAYS ASK HIM TO FINISH HIS STUDY IN GOOD, AT THE END I JUST WANT BE YOURS. THAT WHAT I KEEP FROM HIM, SOMETHING WHICH HE NEVER KNOW.
I ... I AM ... I .... (CLOSE THE EYES) SORRY I CANT FINISH THE POST IN GOOD THIS TIME. TOO MUCH CRY JUST NOW.

MAYBE I JUST TOOK SLEEP ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO.  I SUDDENLY OPENED MY EYES, I DREAMED MY DREAM. HE HUG ME FROM BACK, I COULD FEEL HIS HANDS AROUND MY BODY, FELT HIS WARM, SUCH A REAL. HE SAID : FORGIVE ME MY ANGEL, I AM SORRY. I KEPT SILENT. MY EYES OPENED, I CRIED. NO WORDS, NO SOUND, SILENT AND THE TEARS JUST RUNNING DOWN.

JUST WANT TO SAY, I LOVE MY DREAM

EACH PERIOD ALWAYS MAKE ME SICK LIKE THIS. SO PAIN. SO LUCKY FOR GIRLS AND WOMEN WHO NOT SICK LIKE ME WHEN THEY HAVE PERIOD. THE BLEEDING USUALLY SO MUCH. I USED TO ASK MY DREAM ALWAYS HUG ME WHEN HAVE THE PERIOD. SOMETIMES HE GOT MY SENSITIVITY AND I JUST SAID, "MY DREAM I AM SORRY. I AM IN PERIOD, THE EMOTION MAKE MY MOOD ASLIKE ROLLER COASTER". BUT HE UNDERSTANDS. MAYBE I AM TOO MUCH LIKE A KID, ALWAYS ASK HIM TO HUG ME. I SO SPOILED TO HIM. I TOO MUCH DEPEND ON HIM, DONT HE REALIZE HOW MUCH I WANT AND NEED HIM ? OH GOD, WHY I AM CRYING ?

I SUDDENLY WAKE UP, WRITING THE POST BEFORE I FORGET WHAT I JUST DREAM. MY DREAM. YES, I DREAMED ABOUT HIM. WE KISSED. EVERYONE AROUND US STARED TO US BUT WE JUST KISS. I THINK WE KISSED AROUND TE STREET BECAUSE I SAW MANY POEPLE THERE. AT THE END I HID MY FACE IN YOUR HUG MAYBE I FELT SHAME WAS LOOKED BY MANY POEPLE. BUT I SAW YOU SMILED.

4 AM, I SUDDENLY WAKE UP. MY TUMMY FEELS PAIN. MAYBE I WILL HAVE  MY PERIOD. THE SORE THROAT NOT FINISH YET, NOW MY STOMACH PAIN. HUG, MY DREAM ... THE PAIN WHEN PERIOD WILL COME SO ANNOYING. I WISH I CAN HUG MY DREAM RITE NOW.  OH GOD, SO SPOILED I AM TO HIM.

I WANT TO FEEL SIT BESIDE MY DREAM, TALK, SMILE EVEN LAUGH ASLIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. I WANT TO FEEL OUR EYES STARE EACH OTHER. HOW IT FEELS IN HIS WARM HUG ? HOW ABOUT HIS FINGERS TOUCH ME GENTLY ? LAY BESIDE HIM AND HEAR HIS BEAT POUNDING. I NEVER FORGET HOW HE LOVE ME THROUGH DAY AND NIGHT. THE WAY HE KISS ME THAT DEEP AND LONG. HOW CAN I AM NOT MISS HIM ? HOW CAN HE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SO INTIMATE EVEN MY VERY PERSONAL THINGS ? HIS WORDS MAKE ME FLY THAT HIGH WITH HIS WORDS TOO MAKE ME BREAK DOWN.
MY DREAM, YOU KNOW WHAT KHANSA DID THIS LUNCH ? SHE SAID YOUR NAME WHEN SAW YOUR PICTURE. I DIDNT KNOW SHOULD I CRY OR SMILE IN FRONT OF HER. I JUST SAID ; THATS RITE, YES IT WAS HIS NAME. I WALKED THROUGH KITCHEN AND CRIED THERE. THE HEART FELT SO HEAVY THAT TIME. IN HEART SAID IF I CANT THROUGH THIS LIFE, ANYMORE, PLEASE MAKE KHANSA AND MY DREAM ALWAYS IN ALLAH BLESS. 

KHANSA STAY TO SLEEP AFTER DID INHALATION. I AM TIRED. MY THROAT STILL PAIN TO EAT. THE BODY FEELS NOT WELL. THE SORE THROAT LAST WEEK GOT BETTER BUT WHEN KHANSA SICK, IT IS GETTING WORST. I HOPE MY DREAM JUST FINE, NOT SICK LIKE THIS. HOW HIS EAT ? I HOPE HE CAN EAT WELL. IS HE STILL WORK ? I HOPE HE NOT WORK TOO TIRED, ALWAYS CLEAN HIMSELF BEFORE SLEEP.  AND HOW HIS STUDY ? I HOPE EVERYTHING IS FINE. I REALLY HOPE HE NOT HAVE HARD BREATHING MATTERS AGAIN. AWAY FROM SOFT DRINK, FASTAT FOOD AND INSTANT FOOD. I HOPE HE HAS ENOUGH SLEEP AND REST. I HOPE HE IS FINE AND ALWAYS CAREFULLCAREFULLY WHEREVER HE GO. I DONT KNOW WHY STILL FUSSY ABOUT THOSE THINGS. DOES HE ALREADY IN GOOD HANDS TO TAKING CARE HIM, SO I SHOULDNT STILL HAVE ALL THE WORRIES.
AS IF HE BESIDES ME RITE NOW, I WILL ASK HIM TO HUG ME WHISPER TO HIM ; LETS MAKE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE REAL. I JUST STARTING TO CRY, DOES HE ALREADY ASK ME TO LEAVE HIM. 

LISTENING TO SARAH SARAH MCLACHLAN SONG ; 'ANGEL'. KHANSA JUST SLEEP BESIDES ME. HER SOUND AS LIKE AS A FROG. SHE STILL CANT BREATH WELL. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN SHE GETS FLU. I HAVE TO DO INHALATION FOR HER EACH 3 HOURS TO HELP HER BREATH EASILY. LAST SATURDAY I TRIED SOME NEW FOOD TO HER ; NOODLE, SAUSAGE AND CORN TOMATO SOUP. SHE SEEMED LIKE THAT FOOD EVEN IN VERY LITLE PORTION. SO HERE THE EFFECT NOW. SHE ALLERGIC WITH THOSE FOOD, MAYBE THE SAUSAGE CONTAINED EGG, AND SURELY THE NOODLE DID, AND THE SWEET CORN AND TOMATO... ABSOLUTELY THE MOST HINDER FOOD. ALLERGIC FOOD NOT HAVE TO HINDER WHOLE LIFE, SHE SHOULD TRY THEM BIT BY BIT.
MY SORE THROAT STAY SAME, PAIN TO EAT AND DRINK. BECAUSE I SO TIRED MUCH TAKING CARE KHANSA WHEN SHE SICK LIKE THIS. I REALY LOST APETITE. I REMEMBER WHEN I REALLY SICK LIKE THIS I ALWAYS AND ALWAYS ASK MY DREAM TO HUG ME. AGAIN AND AGAIN. I DONTDON'T KNOW WHY I AM STARTING TO CRY RITE NOW. I ALREADY TOO DEPENDENT TO HIM MUCH. HE IS SOMEONE THAT I ONLY HAVE AS MY MAN. WHEN HE WENT AWAY, I TRY TO SURVIVE. I AM ASKING MYSELF ; WHY I STILL BE THE SAME PERSON TO HIM, WHILE HIMSELF MAYBE ALREADY NOT THE SAME. I SUDDENLY REMEMBER WHAT MILA TELL ME ; WHY YOU STILL CRY, CARE, WORRY ABOUT HIM, HAVE YOU EVER WONDER, EVER THINK DOES HE DO SAME ? CRY, CARE, WORRY TO YOU ?. WHEN SHE SAY LIKE THAT, I JUST NOD DOWN MY FACE, I CRY AND MILA JUST HUG ME. I DONT KNOW HOW LONG SHE HUG ME UNTIL I STOP TO CRY THAT TIME. THIS HEART ALREADY TAKEN AWAY AND THE REST I FEEL EMPTY. THIS LOVE TOO MUCH DEEP. I AM NOT EASY PERSON TO SHARE ALL THE FEELINGS TO A PERSON, SINCE ELEMENTARY I USED TO WRITE FOR EVERYTHING WHICH CANT TALK AND SHOW UNTIL TODAY. I AM
GOING TO SLEEP. I WANT SAY WHICH I ALWAYS SAY TO MY DREAM ; MY DREAM, HUG ME.

STILL HAVE SORE THROAT, MY BODY TEMPERATURE SOMETIMES NORMAL AND SUDDENLY HIGH TO FEVER. THE ANTIBIOTICS WORKS USUALLY 3 TO 5 DAYS UNTIL BETTER. IT SOUNDS ... WHAT CAN I SAY ? kHANSA SUDDENLY GOT FLU. THIS MORNING SHE WOKE UP WITH RUNNY NOSE AND BIT COUGH. SHE ALWAYS WANT ME CARRY HER "BUNDA ... BUNDA ..." I KNOW HER BODY NOT FEEL WELL. I JUST THINK IF JUST I DIE THAT SOON, WHO WILL CARRY HER ASLIKE ME WHEN SHE SICK LIKE THIS ? I FEEL REALLY NOT WELL, JUST CAN SIT ON BED BESIDES HER WATCHING SHE IS SLEEPING. I SLEEP BIT AND WAKE UP FEW TIMES BECAUSE SHE CRIES. CARRY HER WITH THAT WEIGHT MAKE THE BODY FEEL WORST AND THE FEET SWOLLEN. SLEEP LONGER THIS HOURS KHANSA, BUNDA JUST TAKE MEDICINE  WHICH MAKE SLEEPY. BUNDA WANT TO SLEEP TOO. CARESS HER HAIR AND SEND MANY PRAY FOR HER.

3.25 AM, I WAKE UP AND FEEL MY THROAT SO SORE. MY DREAM , STILL HUG ME. SO SORE.

2 AM AND ALWAYS WAKE UP IN THIS LATE. I DONT TAKE ALL CAKES OR COOKIES ORDER THIS WEEK BECAUSE I FEEL NOT TOO WELL TO HANDLE ALL, JUST FEW SELECTED ORDERS. AS IF MY DREAM BESIDES ME RITE NOW, HUG ME WHILE I AM SLEEPING WHEN I WAKE UP LIKE THIS I WANT TO CARESS HIS FACE, STARE HIS FACE THAT CLOSE, HEAR AND FEEL HIS BEAT, WHISPER TO HIM : YOU ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL PERSON I EVER MEET THEN I WILL PRETEND NOT TO WAKE UP UNTIL NEXT MORNING SO YOU WONT LET YOUR HUG GO FROM ME. 

TODAY KHANSA SAID SOMETHING WHICH TOUCHED MY HEART. "BUNDA, ARE YOU SICK ?" 2 YEARS OLD KID ASKED A QUESTION "NOT WELL. SO BE GOOD OK" I SAID. SUDDENLY SHE HUG ME TIGHT "I LOVE YOU BUNDA". I SMILED AND CRIED. AND I STARTED TO SING BARNEY SONG'S ; I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE ARE HAPPY FAMILY, WITH THE GREAT BIG HUG AND KISS FROM ME TO YOU, WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO. THEN  KHANSA FOLLOWED THE SONG.
MY DREAM, HER HEALTH IS GETTING BETTER SINCE I TAKE CARE HER. I RESIGNED FROM MY DREAM WORK AND MY DREAM COMPANY BECAUSE HER HEALTH SO MUCH NEED CONCERN. SHE IS NOT ASLIKE THE OTHER KIDS. SHE HAS ALLERGIC PROBLEMS WHICH MAKE HER HAS UPPER BREATHING MATTERS. BUT NOW, SO FAR SHE SHOWS SO MUCH BETTER PROGRESS. SHE STILL ASK QUEATIONS ABOUT YOU IN ALWAYS THE SAME PHOTO IN MY PHONE PHOTO ALBUM. SHE JUST OPEN AND SCROLL THEN TAP HERE THERE. MY DREAM, IF I CAN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THIS LIFE ANYMORE, IF YOU JUST ABLE I WANT YOU MEET HER. TELL HER YOU ARE THE PERSON IN THAT PICTURE. TELL HER HOW WE MEET AND HOW WE ARE. TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER. 
WHY I AM CRYING NOW ? WHY TEARS SUDDENLY ? I AM GOING TO SLEEP. HUG, TAKE CARE MY DREAM.

2.18 AM. SUDDENLY WAKE UP. CONSIDERING TO TAKE MEDICINE. DIZZY, THE BODY TEMPERATURE IS GOING WARM, SORE THROAT MAKING MY VOICE SLOWLY LOST AND ALL THE BODY FEEL PAIN, MY DREAM, CAN YOU JUST HUG ME ? I FEEL NOT GOOD. I AM FEELING COLD. I JUST WENT DOWNSTAIR AND TOOK MEDICINE. IN FEW MINS WILL MAKE ME SLEEP AGAIN. PLEASE STAY HUG ME EVEN I SLEEP.

4 AM, SUDDENLY WAKE UP. ALL THE BODY FEEL PAIN. THROAT FEELS SO THROAT. SO COLD. WHAT HAPPEN WITH THIS BODY NOW ?

4 AM, SUDDENLY WAKE UP. ALL THE BODY FEEL PAIN. THROAT FEELS SO THROAT. SO COLD. WHAT HAPPEN WITH THIS BODY NOW ?

TOMORROW WILL BE MONDAY. I STILL REMEMBERED ON MONDAY AND THURSDAY I MUST TO WEAR UNIFORM TO OFFICE. THE WHITE FOR TOP AND DARK BLUE. I STARTED MY WORK IN PERTAMINA AS RECOMMENDATION LETTER FROM THE UNIVERSITY. THE CAREER RUN SO WELL AND SMOOTH FOR 8 YEARS. I LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND. SOMEHOW I MISS MY WORK.

MY DREAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TIME ? I JUST PERFORMED TAHAJUD, I FEEL DIZZY MAYBE I GET FLU AGAIN. YOU KNOW WHAT IN MY MIND THIS TIME. YOU LOVE ME. IN MIND REMEMBERING HOW YOU LOVE ME. I SUDDENLY CRYING. WITH THAT WAY I FEEL SO CLOSE AND FEEL YOU. FOR LAST ALMOST 7 YEARS WITH YOU EACH NIGHT I CRY OF YOU. DONT YOU WANT FIND HAPPINESS EVEN NOT WITH ME ? INSHALLAH YOU WILL. YOU WILL BE IN RIGHT HANDS. SOON YOU WONT FIND THE LONELY NIGHT. SOMEONE WILL BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT, TAKING CARE OF YOU IN GOOD, LOVING YOU ALL HEART, TOGETHER IN GOOD AND BAD LIFE, SUPPORT YOU WHEN YOU SAD AND DOWN, GIVING YOU WARM AND CALMNESS, YOU NEVER FEEL ALONE AGAIN, YOU WILL FIND WHAT IS REALY YOUR MINE. THAT TIME WILL COME.
IN FAR, YOUR ANGEL WILL ALWAYS PRAY FOR GOOD. LIFE AND LIVE WITH MEMORIES HAD LEFT AND KEPT. THROUGH EACH NIGHT WITH WONDER, DREAM, AND TEARS. LONGING FOR SOMETHING WHICH HARD BE TRUE ... TOO GOOD AND BEAUTIFUL BE REAL. STARE THE SKY HOW FAR THE SPACE. 
I GIVE MY ALL FOR MY DREAM, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. HEART, RISK, BODY AND SOUL. HE IS SOMEONE AS MY HOLDING IN FACING MY HARD LIFE. WHEN HE WENT AWAY SOMEHOW I LOST MY WAY.

Failed

I PREFER TO SLEEP. I JUST FAILED MAKING SWISS ROLL CAKE TONIGHT. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IS THE MISTAKEN STEP. HAVE NO PASSION TO REMAKE. FEEL UPSET, REALLY.
GOOD NIGHT. I AM GOING TO SLEEP. AS IF MY DREAM BESIDES ME RITE NOW, HE ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO LESS THE UPSET.

He Came In My Sleeping

2.16 am, I just wake up and directly posted my wrote here. I wrote here seemed i talked to to him. Whenever i dream about him, i used to tell him directly. By text, phone, mail, or chat. And today everything changes. I wrote as like as i talked to him. 

My dream, you came again. I dreamed about you. You know what you did ? you kissed me. I tied your fingers into mine. I stared your eyes and you just kissed me again. I could feel it, i suddenly wake up. I smiled and cried in same time. My dream, i cant say much rite now. I am writing and the tears just running down. I hope you are fine. I am missing you, body and soul. Sometimes i think why i still be the same person for you ? while yourself maybe not same again. I have so many dreams, hopes, wishes and pray for us. Maybe i am not kind a person who can describe anything with words. So grateful i have ability to write. I still alive, i keep moving to live, and i am through each day to survive. Seemed like i could see your eyes in that dreamed. You know what you said in that dreamed ? "My angel, i am your copy cat"

I just finished baking marble cake for ordered. Actually this cake is the old cake, the cake itself as like as pound cake but has the pattern on top and inside.

Yesterday, had brownies ordered. Have crispy almond for the topping.

Cheese straw pastry. Patience, concern and patience again until get this.

Rolling, rolling and rolling then filling it with fruit jam, or butter cream or cheese.

Baking is the hobby and becoming my escape.

I JUST FINISED MAKING CAKE ORDERED, BROWNIES. I ALWAYS LIKE MAKING BROWNIES. SIMPLE, EASY INGREDIENTS, FAST PROCESS AND BAKE, THEN THE SMELL OF CHOC WHILE IN THE OVEN SO TEMPTING.
ANYWAY, MY PERIOD ALREADY STARTED FROM THREE DAYS AGO BUT MY TUMMY STILL PAIN. MY SHOULDER, BACK AND WRIST SEEMS HOLD HEAVY THINGS AND TWIST. THE BLEEDING AS USUAL SO MANY WHICH MAKE ME FEEL WEAK, THAT'S WHY I USED TO TAKE PILS FOR ANEMIA. SO LUCKY FOR THE GIRLS AND WOMEN IN THIS WORLD WHOSE NOT HAVE TOO MUCH PAIN IN THEIR PERIOD.
I AM GOING TO SLEEP, IN MY HUG THERE IS A BEAR WHICH MY DREAM GAVE ME. EVEN THE BEAR NOT AS WARM AS MY DREAM HUG. I AM SHY TO THIS BEAR, USED TO CRY ASLIKE A KID WHEN I AM SICK. AND LUCKY IS, THIS BEAR CANT TALK SO ALL THE SECRET ARE KEEPING IN GOOD.

"IS ENOUGH" I WHISPERED. I JUST READ MY DREAM'S LAST EMAIL WHICH HE SENT ME. HE JUST DID AND SAID THAT AGAIN ; MY ANGEL PLEASE LEAVE ME NOW YOU SHOULD DO THAT FOR ME. SO REMEMBERED FEW WEEKS AGO YOU JUST SAID TO ME ; I NEVER WANT TO HURT YOU AGAIN. "IS ENOUGH" I WHISPERED AGAIN. I CRIED. I FEEL HURT, PAIN, BREAK, DOWN BUT I WILL DO WHAT HE ASKED, FOR HIM. CAN I BE ANGRY ? GET MAD ? FEEL HATE ? TO MY DREAM. IN LOGIC AS A HUMAN, AS A WOMAN I DESERVE TO FEEL THEM ALL. BUT ... CAN'T ... I NEVER CAN'T.  THIS HEART AND LOVE ARE TOO MUCH BIG. WITH WRITING AND CRYING SOMEHOW HEAL MYSELF.

I CANT SLEEP, I CANT SLEEP, I CANT SLEEP, I REALLY CANT SLEEP. MY HEAD SO ACHE SO PAIN, VERY ... TO MUCH. I JUST CRIED ON MY PILLOW. MY BODY TEMPERATURE SLOWLY GETTING HIGH, I FEEL SO COLD. THE MEDICINE NOT MAKE ME SLEEPY YET. MY DREAM, PLEASE MASSAGE MY HEAD, I AM SO HEADACHE. I WANT TO SLEEP.

RAINING OUTSIDE. I STILL LOVE RAINING. I LOVE THE SOUND AND THE SMELL WHEN FALL DOWN TO SOIL. WHAT MY DREAM IS DOING RITE NOW ? HOW IS HE RITE NOW ? HOW HIS STUDY ? HOW HIS HEALTH ? HOW HIS EAT ? I SUDDENLY CRY. I AM SORRY, I JUST MISS HIM. BUT CAN'T SAY AND SHOW IT. HOW IT FEELS AS BE ME ? LAST NIGHT I DREAMED ABOUT HIM. HE CARESSED MY HAIR AND SMILED, BUT I JUST CRIED. HE WIPED MY TEARS BUY WE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. AND THATS IT. THE DREAMED JUST GONE IT SELF. I WOKE UP AND DIRECTLY PERFORMED SHOLAT. WHAT I REMAINED RITE NOW HIS ASKED "WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE CHANCE TO LIFE ONCE AGAIN ?" I JUST SAID "I STILL WANT TO BE RYZA, BECAUSE I WILL MEET YOU, TOGETHER WITH YOU" AS ALWAYS YOU HUG ME THAT MUCH.

Tired

3.13 AM AND I JUST FINISHED BAKED COOKIES AND CAKES. THIS CUSTOMER SO CRAZY, SHE ORDERED SWISS ROLL STARWBERRY CAKE, BROWNIES, CHEESE STRAW PASTRY AND  BUTTER PEANUT COOKIES. THOSE ORDERED WILL BE TAKEN NEXT MORNING. SHE SAID "PLEASE, I HAVE FAMILY GATHERING ON SATURDAY" I JUST SAY "LET WE SEE HOW MUCH I CAN DO THAT". AND CRAZY ME ... THOSE ORDERED JUST FINISHED IN ONE TIME THIS NIGHT. AND THE LAST I JUST LAY ON BED WITH SO MUCH TIRING.
I SO REMEMBER, WHENEVER I FEEL TIRING LIKE THIS I USED ASK MY DREAM TO MASSAGE MY BACK . I JUST SMILED REMIND THAT "MY DREAM I AM TIRED, PLEASE MASSAGE MY BACK" USUALLY HE JUST SAID "I WILL DO EVERYTHING". I JUST WANT TO HUG HIM SO MUCH RITE NOW.

1.37 AM, I FALL ASLEEP AFTER TOOK MEDICINE. I GOT FLU, DIZZY AND SORE THROAT. THIS MARCH STILL RAINING, AND I JUST RITE. RAINY SEASON STARTED ON DECEMBER TO MARCH. KHANSA HAS NEW FAVOURITE, SHE LIKES TO WATCH INDIAN MOVIES. SEE .... THAT SOMETHING OUT OFF MY MIND. SHE OFF COURSE NOT  WATCH WHOLE MOVIE BUT WHEN THE SING AND DANCE PART SHE JUST LOOK AND MOVE HER BODY ASLIKE JOKING ME. LATELY WE, KHANSA AND I, LOVE TO WATCH MNC STATION CHANNEL BECAUSE OFFER VARY PROGRAM. USUALLY ON THE NOON WHEN HER LUNCH TIME THERE HAS INDIAN MOVIE, I HAD TRIED TO CHANGE AT ONCE BUT SHE ASKED ME TO BACK TO WATCH THAT JUST BECAUSE SHE LIKE THE SING AND DANCE PART. SO ... YES ... THERE MUST BE SING AND DANCE WHOLE MOVIE. I SMILED AND LAUGHED WHENEVER SHE HER JOKING ME IN DANCING, MAKE ME THINK THAT IT IS SOMETHING REAL. IN MY PREGNANCY OF KHANSA MY DREAM ALWAYS BE WITH ME 24 HOURS SEVEN DAY IN WEEK, NO WONDER HE GIVES THE INFLUENCE THAT MUCH TO KHANSA. KHANSA ... THE PERSON YOU ALWAYS ASK IN LONDON BRIDGE PICTURE IS BUNDA'S HEART. HE IS BUNDA'S WHICH CALLED MY DREAM. HE IS WITH BUNDA WHEN YOU IN MY STOMACH, HE IS PAKISTANI AND WATCH INDIAN TOO. YOU SOMETIMES ASK HOW FAR HIS HOME FROM US, IT IS SEPARATE OCEAN, CONTINENT AND TIME. MILLION MILES AWAY FROM US. AND YOU JUST ASK WHY THAT FAR AND I JUST SAY, HE IS THERE TO STUDY. AND USUALLY IS ENDING WITH YOUR STYLE 'OH THAT SO'. SHE IS SLEEPING BESIDE ME RITE NOW, SHE IS TALLER AND BECOMING MORE ACTIVE DAY BY DAY. ALL HER QUESTIONS ARE SMART. SHE ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW PERSON AND THAT'S GOOD. 2 YEARS AND ALREADY KNOW THE COLORS, NUMBERS FROM 1 TO 20 AND ALFABETH. UNDERSTANDING 2 LANGUANGE IN INDONESIAN AND ENGLISH. MY DREAM ALREADY GIVE INFLUENCE IN HERS. EVEN WHEN GO OUT SOMEWHERE SOME PEOPLE SAY, SHE HAS SOMETHING WHICH LOOK ASLIKE INDIAN OR PAKISTANI. I SMILED WHENEVER HEAR THAT. MY DREAM NEVER TOO FAR FROM ME, YOUR TRACE ALREADY COME IN MY DAUGHTER. 

2.09 am and just finished from baking cookies order, tahajud and read al quran. I was too much paused while reading al quran, i cried. I wont lie, i remained my mother and my dream. Mom ..., what are you doing this late ? i hope you are sleeping rite now, please don't cry again. Your tears really hurting me. Until end my time, i will always be with you ... beside you ... giving you strength. Mom ..., i am sorry until this time i am not giving you happiness yet. There will be always pray for you until end. Lets we through, face and battle all the hard matters together. You are not and never be alone. I never mind becoming a daughter whose the parents were separated. You always be my mother, and him always be my father. No one can't change it. Yes ... i miss everything when we all together in warm and beautiful timing. Let them gather in memories to remain. Be strong mom, i know it never be easy. I love you.

My dream, what are you doing this time ? maybe around 8 to 9 pm there. Maybe you are working or do something else. I wish you are good, i wont be naif ... i am missing you. I used to cry whenever missing you. You are the distant star, you already too far since beginning we meet. When that day come, you said marry ... maybe there won't be me in yours again. You will be a great husband and father. A loving person for your family. Someone will having my man which i love until end. Someone will be so close beside you, feeling the warm, the touch, the love which i adore and longing since the first time see you at Cam. You are perfect. You always be my birthday present which Allah send to me, the moon - star - sun. My dream always be in heart, mind, breath and pulse. I live with the memories what we had. So many nights i dreamed we were together, such a real because i could feel it. You already know how this heart and love. Our love never be wrong, its sincere, pure, honest and real. For later years when you remain me, please remember i am a person who you call 'My Angel' even i never have the wings.

Fall ... But, Fine

I fell on last Sunday from stair. Suddenly felt dark and blank, closed the eyes and just fell. I sit in few moments when realized i just fell. Directly went to near doctor clinic to check up what was happened. My blood pressure was low from normal, which made me lost conscious. Since Monday, my sight looked gazed maybe the blood pressure still low. I had not receive any order cakes and cookies since Monday, i prefer to take more sleep because i got so easy to headache. And thank to God, Khansa not too fussy since last Sunday, maybe she knew that her mother not well enough. The temperature sometimes warm, cold and last night got fever. My hands still bit pain because hold myself from stair holder when fell. Sometimes i sit when perform sholat, well is fine Allah more know my condition. "Bunda ..." khansa always hugs me whenever see me cry. She already seen me in tears many times. I smiled to her but still cried, "Bunda is fine". I am crying rite now when writing this post. I am feeling empty. Listening this song 'My All-Mariah carey' is too enough for me : I am thinking of you / In my sleepless solitude tonight / If it's wrong to love you / Then my heart just won't let me be right / 'Cause I'm drowned in you / And I won't pull through / Without you by my side / I'd give my all to have / Just one more night with you / I'd risk my life to feel / Your body next to mine / 'Cause I can't go on / Living in the memory of our song / I'd give my all for your love tonight / Baby can you feel me / Imagining I'm looking in your eyes / I can see you clearly / Vividly emblazoned in my mind / And that you're so far / Like a distant star / I'm wishing on tonight

Crying

5 AM AND JUST WAKE UP. SUDDENLY CRYING ON THE PILLOW. CLOSING MY EYES. I AM MISSING HIM, MY DREAM. MISSING EVERYTHING. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I COULD LIVE LIKE THIS. I AM FEELING COLD. I AM FEELING NOT GOOD. HOWBEAUTIFUL IF THIS TIME HE HUGS ME, I WONT ASK ANYTHING BECAUSE BESIDES HIM IS EVERYTHING I WISH, HOPE, WONDER, DREAM, NEED AND WANT.

The Box

I walked through to my daughter room, stopped by and have no idea i just opened this box. Touched every parts and things inside. Took the very bottom of the box, the photo of him, my dream. I stared from a far, the tears dripped slowly. Touched the photo gently, tears started run down. I cried aslike a wife lost her husband. Left by die who never can't see, touch and talk.Caressed his eyes which i always adore, the sense of him which make me fall in love at first sight. The missing just come out aslike the erupted mountain. I whispered to him "Missing you ... love you ... as always as you used to know. Be good, don't get sick". Closed the eyes, felt he was surrounding me. Slowly the memories came in mind, his smile, laugh, sensitivity, way love me, hug, kiss, touch, tease, even words which he used to say. 

You Come Again

12.28 AM, I FALL ASLEEP AFTER MADE COOKIES ORDER. I DREAMED ABOUT HIM, MY DREAM. HE HUG ME FROM BACK WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, WHISPERED "FORGIVE ME MY ANGEL" STAYED STILL HUG MY BACK, SMELLED MY BODY. I REMAINED SILENT, FELT HIS WARM. I LOOKED SMALL IN HIS HUG. I CRIED.
SUDDENLY WOKE UP, LOOKED SURROUNDING AND REALIZED I JUST DREAMED. WONDERING BESIDES HIM THAT CLOSE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL MY DREAM, WHEREVER YOU GO, WHATEVER YOU DO. PLEASE LIVE IN GOOD AND PROPERLY.

Wall Shelf

Finally, i did it. I bought this wall shelf last week on Ace Hardware, i didn't know when i would work on it. I took almost a week to put this shelf. I became Bob Builder. Yesterday, i made this finish. I told to my daughter, Khansa "Look, what Bunda did on your room. Do you like it ?" well ... she just smiled "Wow ... so nice" then i hug her "I did as like Bob Builder rite ?" she just nod and back to run and jump everywhere.

From the right. The bear ; the bear can talk and sing whenever press the feet, tummy, hands and face. The bear, again ; i took this from my collection bear at my mother house, this bear already with me as long in maternity operation and back bone injection last month, besides me all the time on operation bed. The angry birds ; i am not a fan of angry bird but with Khansa we collected the stamp from Carrefour until we got two angry bird dolls. The bear with flower ; it was from him, my dream, always kiss the eyes in missing him, hug and hold the bear when can't sleep and sick, wonder i sleep in his hug. The bear with 'with love' caption ; it was from him, my dream, always kiss the eyes in missing him, the last bear which i have from him, sometimes smile and cry look it. Words never enough to tell what feel inside, i live with the memories, the trace which left, in missing him i can smile and cry in same time on remain beautiful moment. 

Cold

Feeling so cold. 4 am Jakarta time. I suddenly wake up, i can sleep after took medicine. Wondering my dream hug me still this time, please ... stay aslike this. I am feeling so cold.

Pain

The stomach feels so pain, i just want to sleep in good. Please ... all the pain, headache, fever, stomachache ... i really want to sleep in good. Tonight i hug the bear which my dream gives me. It has been more than two weeks the pain come and go. Sometimes whenever holding his bear, i realize i am longing someone who is so far from me. Hug me aslike this, i really want to sleep in good tonight.

Pain

I am crying aslike khansa when she is sick. I am feeling headache, fever, sore throat and i just have my period which make my stomach so that pain, the bleeding which so many make more weak. Mom ... as if i still near you i will just ask you to beside me. My dream hug me please, feel much better in your warm, i cant stand with this pain alone. Love you both, mom and my dream.

Happy Birthday

NEXT MORNING, IN JAKARTA TIME WILL BE MY DREAM BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR MY WONDERFUL DREAM, WISHING YOU THE GOOD.

Pulau Bidadari ; (Angel Island]

12.31 am and just finished baking cookies for ordered. I found Richard Marx's song "Right Here Waiting" on my ipod playlist. I listened and the memories came in mind. So remembered i listened this song on the swing in Bidadari Island rite after called him, my dream. I was in office gathering that day. I missed a day which long day for him to chat with me on skype. After the break time, i sat on the swing across my room. Looked how wide the sea, the island, the sky and how far i was with him since the first time we met. I took my phone and called him. What i remembered in phone talking i said "I am missing you my dream. I am on swing rite now. Seeing how wide the sea and feeling the wind. Wishing you are here with rite now. Maybe one day we can go here together". In my mind that time, we hold hands walked along the sea side. After called him, i listened that song and cried. Truly missed him everyday. Still sat on the swing and felt the wind onto my skin. 

Tonight, i closed the eyes while listening this song. Holding hands with him along the sea side is in my wondering. His warm hand inside my fingers. Feeling the tears, remain his eyes which adoring. 

Ocean's apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
I wonder how we can survive this romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Crazy

"WHEN YOU READY TAKE ALL THE RISK, I WILL READY TAKE RISK TOO. WHEN YOU ARE BRAVE FROM EVERYONE, I WILL HAVE THAT BRAVE TOO. ONCE YOU COME AND TAKE ME, I WILL COME WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU TAKE ME. THAT'S ALL WHAT I REALLY WAITING SINCE THE BEGINNING, SINCE THE FIRST TIME MEET YOU"  I SAID THEM TO MY DREAM, WITH TEARS RUN DOWN ASLIKE THE RIVER.

Pain

I FEEL SO COLD TONIGHT. MY DREAM, PLEASE HUG ME STILL EVEN I FALL ASLEEP LATER.

Pain

12.04 AM AND STILL CAN'T SLEEP. HEADACHE, FEVER, COLD AND NOW PAIN WHOLE THE BODY -NECK, SHOULDER, WAIST, LEGS- AS IF HE, MY DREAM, BESIDES ME I WILL HUG HIM ASLIKE A KITTEN SLEEP IN THE MOTHER'S. I AM SMALL, NOT BIG AND TALL ASLIKE HIM SO I THINK I CAN HIDE IN HIS HUG. I AM SO LIGHT
SO MAYBE I JUST SO LITLE IN HIS HOLD. MY BODY USED FEEL COLD, I JUST FEEL HIS BODY ALWAYS FEELS WARM. I LOVE IN HIS HUG, FEEL WARM, SAFE, CLOSE AND CARING.

Pain

1.36 AM JUST PERFORMED TAHAJUD. FELT HEADACHE SINCE LAST WEEK WHICH COME AND GO. FROM YESTERDAY GOT FEVER TIL TODAY. I REALLY FEEL NOT GOOD. SINCE KID WHEN I AM SICK LIKE THIS, HOLD THE PAIN I USED TO CRY JUST FOR HEAL THE PAIN. SOMEHOW I MISS MY MOTHER WHEN I AM SICK. SHE ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF ME NO MATTER HOW OLD I AM. I USED WITH HIM, MY DREAM, SPOIL AT HIM JUST TO TELL HIM "MY DREAM, THE HEAD SO PAIN. THE FEVER MAKE ME CANT SLEEP. MY DREAM HUG ME" OR JUST ASK HIM TO HUG ME AGAIN AND AGAIN. LOOK HOW I AM CRYING RITE NOW. I AM MISSING THEM BOTH, MY MOTHER AND MY DREAM. HOW THE FEELING TO THEM JUST CANT COMPARE AND DIVIDE.

31 years Old

2.04 am and just performed Tahajaud. Tears were running down slowly while sent pray and wish for myself. Allah still gives me chance having birthday this year, for next years i really don't know. The first year i celebrate without him, my dream, besides me. Heart is pounding in slow, remain what i had many years' birthday with him. He always be the first person says and wishes "Happy Birthday". His eyes, his smiles and his face are coming in mind. I am writing here with all the feelings. Thank you for coming into my life, for yesterday, today and tomorrow. You always be. Khansa suddenly wake up and sit besides me, she is saying "Bunda ..." then lay her head on my lap. Closing my eyes, feeling the tears. The love, the heart and the memories we had.

The Moon, The Star and The Sun

4.04 am and still waiting the cookies are baking in the oven, as usual for the order. Currency rate lately became my concern, cookies which i made depend with import ingredients. I always using Wysjman Butter from Holland, Elle & Vire from France and Edam Cheese Gold Chicken Cock Brand From Holland. I love the smell cookies in the oven, the house always smell butter, cheese and vanilla. Actually, i love baking since kid. I always see my grandma making them and me always there help her. I start having order cookies and cakes since in the collage. I used not sleep for a day when the order are in waiting list. Having cookies and cakes store which being my own name becoming my wish since long. Maybe i have to make it true before i am no longer alive. I run with the time. I take baking course to help me to bake vary any model of cookies and cakes. 

Before, baking is only my hobby, but since last December 2013 it also became my escape. Since that time, whenever i think about him, my dream. I always go down stair to the kitchen and do baking. Cookies, cakes, pastry, bread and chocolate mold. I do trial and error, until i find rite one. And go along with time, i cant let it go from baking. It already my escape.

In fact, how busy my fingers and concern my mind to the instruction, my dream is never go from me. He always in me. Sometimes i smile when remain his joke and tease and sometimes drip tears when remain the broken times. How he be the moon, the star and the sun ? he always be in me whenever day and night. That's why he become the sun at day, the moon and the star at night. They rotate to earth as the center. Even the length time for each differ but at sky there always be moon, star and sun bright the earth.

4.18 am and just finished baking cookies for order. If i have to sleep rite now, maybe i never wake up again at 5 am. So i consider to write here than sleep. 

This noon, i was tidy up my daughter room. I stared to red box which before it was valentine gift from my dream. Dozen red roses directly to my seat at the office. Everyone stared at me that time and seriously i surprised. I smiled and really i dripped the tears at same time. Why roses, why not you just come in front of me. I am formally not celebrate valentine day. For me, for my love one is always be valentine day. I touched the box. So remembered how looked the roses ; red, big, dozen, the ribbon and the card which wrote "I love you so much". So remembered i called The Petals to make sure who sent this roses. It was from you. No name for sure but i just know it was from you. Sent text to him informed that i already received the roses, he just said "Would you be my valentine, for today and the other next years ?", i just said "I do my dream" He never know that i cried that time. After i know the other valentine gift came to me. The pearls from Marks&Spencer. The necklace and the earrings. I am not yet wear them until today. I keep them in box. I just touch, remain and all the beautiful memories come.

Kissed the bears and caressed its eyes, "You gave me so many memories to remain, when i am no longer to stand for alive everything is just with me" realized how the tears just run down slowly. My dream is perfect for me.  

YOUR VOICE WERE CALMED ME DOWN. ON THE LINE. HEART WHISPERED ALL THE FEELING. I AM SITTING ON FLOOR RITE ON THE CORNER FROM BED. "MISSING YOU MY DREAM. REALLY ... PLEASE TAKE CARE, BE CAREFUL AND DON'T BE SICK"

I am missing him ... my dream

Really ... I am 30

Today is the last day for cake making in baking course. The class was fun, we were all in seven. There was only a man in class and the rest were girls. Introducing day always be on first day. "I am Ryza, baking is my hobby and escape. The motivation take part in this course to give me more knowledge how making cakes in rite technique. A mother of 2 years old daughter, 30 years old". The class and the instructor saw me. "Really you are 30 and a mother ?" the instructor was a girl. "I am. Really" she just smiled "I really thought you just a freshman or maybe around 25" then one of a girl in class said "Her body really as like a teenager" and the rest of class just laugh, including me.

First day we made brownies, pandan chiffon cake, marmer pound cake and sponge blackforest. The second day we made surabaya layer butter cake, swiss roll and decorate blackforest. The third day we had the theory and practice test. I graduated in not too bad score. Again one of a girl in class asked me "Really 30 ?" i smiled "I really am, i was born in 1983". She asked again "How come looked that younger ?" i really confuse to answer so i just said "Maybe because i still act like a kid".

The blackforest cake, after i made and decorated it, i stared that cake so remembered my dream had told me at once he liked that cake. I almost dripped the tears. Heart is never lie. "Is for you my dream, maybe one day you can taste it". After the class ended on the second day-course, i sent him the blackforest cake picture which i made. The eyes were glassed hold not dripped the tears.