RAINING OUTSIDE. I STILL LOVE RAINING. I LOVE THE SOUND AND THE SMELL WHEN FALL DOWN TO SOIL. WHAT MY DREAM IS DOING RITE NOW ? HOW IS HE RITE NOW ? HOW HIS STUDY ? HOW HIS HEALTH ? HOW HIS EAT ? I SUDDENLY CRY. I AM SORRY, I JUST MISS HIM. BUT CAN'T SAY AND SHOW IT. HOW IT FEELS AS BE ME ? LAST NIGHT I DREAMED ABOUT HIM. HE CARESSED MY HAIR AND SMILED, BUT I JUST CRIED. HE WIPED MY TEARS BUY WE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. AND THATS IT. THE DREAMED JUST GONE IT SELF. I WOKE UP AND DIRECTLY PERFORMED SHOLAT. WHAT I REMAINED RITE NOW HIS ASKED "WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE CHANCE TO LIFE ONCE AGAIN ?" I JUST SAID "I STILL WANT TO BE RYZA, BECAUSE I WILL MEET YOU, TOGETHER WITH YOU" AS ALWAYS YOU HUG ME THAT MUCH.

Tired

3.13 AM AND I JUST FINISHED BAKED COOKIES AND CAKES. THIS CUSTOMER SO CRAZY, SHE ORDERED SWISS ROLL STARWBERRY CAKE, BROWNIES, CHEESE STRAW PASTRY AND  BUTTER PEANUT COOKIES. THOSE ORDERED WILL BE TAKEN NEXT MORNING. SHE SAID "PLEASE, I HAVE FAMILY GATHERING ON SATURDAY" I JUST SAY "LET WE SEE HOW MUCH I CAN DO THAT". AND CRAZY ME ... THOSE ORDERED JUST FINISHED IN ONE TIME THIS NIGHT. AND THE LAST I JUST LAY ON BED WITH SO MUCH TIRING.
I SO REMEMBER, WHENEVER I FEEL TIRING LIKE THIS I USED ASK MY DREAM TO MASSAGE MY BACK . I JUST SMILED REMIND THAT "MY DREAM I AM TIRED, PLEASE MASSAGE MY BACK" USUALLY HE JUST SAID "I WILL DO EVERYTHING". I JUST WANT TO HUG HIM SO MUCH RITE NOW.

1.37 AM, I FALL ASLEEP AFTER TOOK MEDICINE. I GOT FLU, DIZZY AND SORE THROAT. THIS MARCH STILL RAINING, AND I JUST RITE. RAINY SEASON STARTED ON DECEMBER TO MARCH. KHANSA HAS NEW FAVOURITE, SHE LIKES TO WATCH INDIAN MOVIES. SEE .... THAT SOMETHING OUT OFF MY MIND. SHE OFF COURSE NOT  WATCH WHOLE MOVIE BUT WHEN THE SING AND DANCE PART SHE JUST LOOK AND MOVE HER BODY ASLIKE JOKING ME. LATELY WE, KHANSA AND I, LOVE TO WATCH MNC STATION CHANNEL BECAUSE OFFER VARY PROGRAM. USUALLY ON THE NOON WHEN HER LUNCH TIME THERE HAS INDIAN MOVIE, I HAD TRIED TO CHANGE AT ONCE BUT SHE ASKED ME TO BACK TO WATCH THAT JUST BECAUSE SHE LIKE THE SING AND DANCE PART. SO ... YES ... THERE MUST BE SING AND DANCE WHOLE MOVIE. I SMILED AND LAUGHED WHENEVER SHE HER JOKING ME IN DANCING, MAKE ME THINK THAT IT IS SOMETHING REAL. IN MY PREGNANCY OF KHANSA MY DREAM ALWAYS BE WITH ME 24 HOURS SEVEN DAY IN WEEK, NO WONDER HE GIVES THE INFLUENCE THAT MUCH TO KHANSA. KHANSA ... THE PERSON YOU ALWAYS ASK IN LONDON BRIDGE PICTURE IS BUNDA'S HEART. HE IS BUNDA'S WHICH CALLED MY DREAM. HE IS WITH BUNDA WHEN YOU IN MY STOMACH, HE IS PAKISTANI AND WATCH INDIAN TOO. YOU SOMETIMES ASK HOW FAR HIS HOME FROM US, IT IS SEPARATE OCEAN, CONTINENT AND TIME. MILLION MILES AWAY FROM US. AND YOU JUST ASK WHY THAT FAR AND I JUST SAY, HE IS THERE TO STUDY. AND USUALLY IS ENDING WITH YOUR STYLE 'OH THAT SO'. SHE IS SLEEPING BESIDE ME RITE NOW, SHE IS TALLER AND BECOMING MORE ACTIVE DAY BY DAY. ALL HER QUESTIONS ARE SMART. SHE ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW PERSON AND THAT'S GOOD. 2 YEARS AND ALREADY KNOW THE COLORS, NUMBERS FROM 1 TO 20 AND ALFABETH. UNDERSTANDING 2 LANGUANGE IN INDONESIAN AND ENGLISH. MY DREAM ALREADY GIVE INFLUENCE IN HERS. EVEN WHEN GO OUT SOMEWHERE SOME PEOPLE SAY, SHE HAS SOMETHING WHICH LOOK ASLIKE INDIAN OR PAKISTANI. I SMILED WHENEVER HEAR THAT. MY DREAM NEVER TOO FAR FROM ME, YOUR TRACE ALREADY COME IN MY DAUGHTER. 

2.09 am and just finished from baking cookies order, tahajud and read al quran. I was too much paused while reading al quran, i cried. I wont lie, i remained my mother and my dream. Mom ..., what are you doing this late ? i hope you are sleeping rite now, please don't cry again. Your tears really hurting me. Until end my time, i will always be with you ... beside you ... giving you strength. Mom ..., i am sorry until this time i am not giving you happiness yet. There will be always pray for you until end. Lets we through, face and battle all the hard matters together. You are not and never be alone. I never mind becoming a daughter whose the parents were separated. You always be my mother, and him always be my father. No one can't change it. Yes ... i miss everything when we all together in warm and beautiful timing. Let them gather in memories to remain. Be strong mom, i know it never be easy. I love you.

My dream, what are you doing this time ? maybe around 8 to 9 pm there. Maybe you are working or do something else. I wish you are good, i wont be naif ... i am missing you. I used to cry whenever missing you. You are the distant star, you already too far since beginning we meet. When that day come, you said marry ... maybe there won't be me in yours again. You will be a great husband and father. A loving person for your family. Someone will having my man which i love until end. Someone will be so close beside you, feeling the warm, the touch, the love which i adore and longing since the first time see you at Cam. You are perfect. You always be my birthday present which Allah send to me, the moon - star - sun. My dream always be in heart, mind, breath and pulse. I live with the memories what we had. So many nights i dreamed we were together, such a real because i could feel it. You already know how this heart and love. Our love never be wrong, its sincere, pure, honest and real. For later years when you remain me, please remember i am a person who you call 'My Angel' even i never have the wings.

Fall ... But, Fine

I fell on last Sunday from stair. Suddenly felt dark and blank, closed the eyes and just fell. I sit in few moments when realized i just fell. Directly went to near doctor clinic to check up what was happened. My blood pressure was low from normal, which made me lost conscious. Since Monday, my sight looked gazed maybe the blood pressure still low. I had not receive any order cakes and cookies since Monday, i prefer to take more sleep because i got so easy to headache. And thank to God, Khansa not too fussy since last Sunday, maybe she knew that her mother not well enough. The temperature sometimes warm, cold and last night got fever. My hands still bit pain because hold myself from stair holder when fell. Sometimes i sit when perform sholat, well is fine Allah more know my condition. "Bunda ..." khansa always hugs me whenever see me cry. She already seen me in tears many times. I smiled to her but still cried, "Bunda is fine". I am crying rite now when writing this post. I am feeling empty. Listening this song 'My All-Mariah carey' is too enough for me : I am thinking of you / In my sleepless solitude tonight / If it's wrong to love you / Then my heart just won't let me be right / 'Cause I'm drowned in you / And I won't pull through / Without you by my side / I'd give my all to have / Just one more night with you / I'd risk my life to feel / Your body next to mine / 'Cause I can't go on / Living in the memory of our song / I'd give my all for your love tonight / Baby can you feel me / Imagining I'm looking in your eyes / I can see you clearly / Vividly emblazoned in my mind / And that you're so far / Like a distant star / I'm wishing on tonight

Crying

5 AM AND JUST WAKE UP. SUDDENLY CRYING ON THE PILLOW. CLOSING MY EYES. I AM MISSING HIM, MY DREAM. MISSING EVERYTHING. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I COULD LIVE LIKE THIS. I AM FEELING COLD. I AM FEELING NOT GOOD. HOWBEAUTIFUL IF THIS TIME HE HUGS ME, I WONT ASK ANYTHING BECAUSE BESIDES HIM IS EVERYTHING I WISH, HOPE, WONDER, DREAM, NEED AND WANT.

The Box

I walked through to my daughter room, stopped by and have no idea i just opened this box. Touched every parts and things inside. Took the very bottom of the box, the photo of him, my dream. I stared from a far, the tears dripped slowly. Touched the photo gently, tears started run down. I cried aslike a wife lost her husband. Left by die who never can't see, touch and talk.Caressed his eyes which i always adore, the sense of him which make me fall in love at first sight. The missing just come out aslike the erupted mountain. I whispered to him "Missing you ... love you ... as always as you used to know. Be good, don't get sick". Closed the eyes, felt he was surrounding me. Slowly the memories came in mind, his smile, laugh, sensitivity, way love me, hug, kiss, touch, tease, even words which he used to say. 

You Come Again

12.28 AM, I FALL ASLEEP AFTER MADE COOKIES ORDER. I DREAMED ABOUT HIM, MY DREAM. HE HUG ME FROM BACK WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, WHISPERED "FORGIVE ME MY ANGEL" STAYED STILL HUG MY BACK, SMELLED MY BODY. I REMAINED SILENT, FELT HIS WARM. I LOOKED SMALL IN HIS HUG. I CRIED.
SUDDENLY WOKE UP, LOOKED SURROUNDING AND REALIZED I JUST DREAMED. WONDERING BESIDES HIM THAT CLOSE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL MY DREAM, WHEREVER YOU GO, WHATEVER YOU DO. PLEASE LIVE IN GOOD AND PROPERLY.

Wall Shelf

Finally, i did it. I bought this wall shelf last week on Ace Hardware, i didn't know when i would work on it. I took almost a week to put this shelf. I became Bob Builder. Yesterday, i made this finish. I told to my daughter, Khansa "Look, what Bunda did on your room. Do you like it ?" well ... she just smiled "Wow ... so nice" then i hug her "I did as like Bob Builder rite ?" she just nod and back to run and jump everywhere.

From the right. The bear ; the bear can talk and sing whenever press the feet, tummy, hands and face. The bear, again ; i took this from my collection bear at my mother house, this bear already with me as long in maternity operation and back bone injection last month, besides me all the time on operation bed. The angry birds ; i am not a fan of angry bird but with Khansa we collected the stamp from Carrefour until we got two angry bird dolls. The bear with flower ; it was from him, my dream, always kiss the eyes in missing him, hug and hold the bear when can't sleep and sick, wonder i sleep in his hug. The bear with 'with love' caption ; it was from him, my dream, always kiss the eyes in missing him, the last bear which i have from him, sometimes smile and cry look it. Words never enough to tell what feel inside, i live with the memories, the trace which left, in missing him i can smile and cry in same time on remain beautiful moment. 

Cold

Feeling so cold. 4 am Jakarta time. I suddenly wake up, i can sleep after took medicine. Wondering my dream hug me still this time, please ... stay aslike this. I am feeling so cold.

Pain

The stomach feels so pain, i just want to sleep in good. Please ... all the pain, headache, fever, stomachache ... i really want to sleep in good. Tonight i hug the bear which my dream gives me. It has been more than two weeks the pain come and go. Sometimes whenever holding his bear, i realize i am longing someone who is so far from me. Hug me aslike this, i really want to sleep in good tonight.

Pain

I am crying aslike khansa when she is sick. I am feeling headache, fever, sore throat and i just have my period which make my stomach so that pain, the bleeding which so many make more weak. Mom ... as if i still near you i will just ask you to beside me. My dream hug me please, feel much better in your warm, i cant stand with this pain alone. Love you both, mom and my dream.

Happy Birthday

NEXT MORNING, IN JAKARTA TIME WILL BE MY DREAM BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR MY WONDERFUL DREAM, WISHING YOU THE GOOD.

Pulau Bidadari ; (Angel Island]

12.31 am and just finished baking cookies for ordered. I found Richard Marx's song "Right Here Waiting" on my ipod playlist. I listened and the memories came in mind. So remembered i listened this song on the swing in Bidadari Island rite after called him, my dream. I was in office gathering that day. I missed a day which long day for him to chat with me on skype. After the break time, i sat on the swing across my room. Looked how wide the sea, the island, the sky and how far i was with him since the first time we met. I took my phone and called him. What i remembered in phone talking i said "I am missing you my dream. I am on swing rite now. Seeing how wide the sea and feeling the wind. Wishing you are here with rite now. Maybe one day we can go here together". In my mind that time, we hold hands walked along the sea side. After called him, i listened that song and cried. Truly missed him everyday. Still sat on the swing and felt the wind onto my skin. 

Tonight, i closed the eyes while listening this song. Holding hands with him along the sea side is in my wondering. His warm hand inside my fingers. Feeling the tears, remain his eyes which adoring. 

Ocean's apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
I wonder how we can survive this romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Crazy

"WHEN YOU READY TAKE ALL THE RISK, I WILL READY TAKE RISK TOO. WHEN YOU ARE BRAVE FROM EVERYONE, I WILL HAVE THAT BRAVE TOO. ONCE YOU COME AND TAKE ME, I WILL COME WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU TAKE ME. THAT'S ALL WHAT I REALLY WAITING SINCE THE BEGINNING, SINCE THE FIRST TIME MEET YOU"  I SAID THEM TO MY DREAM, WITH TEARS RUN DOWN ASLIKE THE RIVER.

Pain

I FEEL SO COLD TONIGHT. MY DREAM, PLEASE HUG ME STILL EVEN I FALL ASLEEP LATER.

Pain

12.04 AM AND STILL CAN'T SLEEP. HEADACHE, FEVER, COLD AND NOW PAIN WHOLE THE BODY -NECK, SHOULDER, WAIST, LEGS- AS IF HE, MY DREAM, BESIDES ME I WILL HUG HIM ASLIKE A KITTEN SLEEP IN THE MOTHER'S. I AM SMALL, NOT BIG AND TALL ASLIKE HIM SO I THINK I CAN HIDE IN HIS HUG. I AM SO LIGHT
SO MAYBE I JUST SO LITLE IN HIS HOLD. MY BODY USED FEEL COLD, I JUST FEEL HIS BODY ALWAYS FEELS WARM. I LOVE IN HIS HUG, FEEL WARM, SAFE, CLOSE AND CARING.

Pain

1.36 AM JUST PERFORMED TAHAJUD. FELT HEADACHE SINCE LAST WEEK WHICH COME AND GO. FROM YESTERDAY GOT FEVER TIL TODAY. I REALLY FEEL NOT GOOD. SINCE KID WHEN I AM SICK LIKE THIS, HOLD THE PAIN I USED TO CRY JUST FOR HEAL THE PAIN. SOMEHOW I MISS MY MOTHER WHEN I AM SICK. SHE ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF ME NO MATTER HOW OLD I AM. I USED WITH HIM, MY DREAM, SPOIL AT HIM JUST TO TELL HIM "MY DREAM, THE HEAD SO PAIN. THE FEVER MAKE ME CANT SLEEP. MY DREAM HUG ME" OR JUST ASK HIM TO HUG ME AGAIN AND AGAIN. LOOK HOW I AM CRYING RITE NOW. I AM MISSING THEM BOTH, MY MOTHER AND MY DREAM. HOW THE FEELING TO THEM JUST CANT COMPARE AND DIVIDE.