"I was in detention they suddenly come and took me to jail n detention I spend 2 weeks in their now I am going back to pk forever n will get marry soon I'm sorry but pls dont email me or dont call dont text me anymore cuz I'm not the only one who using it anymore pls pray for me cuz I'm not in good condition I hav seen death very closely u r the best person n I'm not"

It might be the last mail from my dream. Read it rite after wake up in the morning. I paused aslike a dead person, the tears run down aslike the river. What bad dreamed I had that night was rite.

I just want to say "whatever you do, however you are, wherever you go whoever you will be, whenever time goes by, you always be my dream ... you already spaced this heart. I love you"

With very deeply sorry for the reader who routinely come to this blog, I need time to write and post in un-eventually time.

Happy mother's day mom. I love you so much. I already a mother so happy mother's day too for me. A mother able do anything for her children. I remember when my dream say this to me. "I cant choose what side between you or my mother anymore. I cant be like this anymore" that night as a woman, as a mother and as a person who loves him that much I say "so my dream choose what your mother ask " he said in disappointed "so you can see me with other girl" and I said "honestly I never can see you with anyone" my heart said I never can see him in hard moment. I let him, even it kills me slowly until today. He can find more perfect girl and new love but he never can find a love like mine.

Almost 3 am rite now and still awake. Actually I just completed cookies ordered. Christmas will come soon and busy with waiting list order. Then ... new year will come soon and will be the second new year without my dream. He comes and goes unpredictable. Without any words at all.

Khansa is sleeping so tight. She is the only one reason I still here, in this house. She says "bunda, why you crying" I just shake my head show to her no. She hugs me but just make me cry more. My mother, my dream and my illness are the reason of my tears. Allah knows better what I feel and through. 

 

Lately I got some ordered for snack meeting in some offices. Beginning from 5, 20, and yesterday I got 250 boxes ordered. I didnt sleep all day then I got headache at last. My blood pressure must be so much low this time. I used to ask my dream to hug me when I feel not well like this. Oh god ... why I am crying rite now. This heart feels weary.

"Bunda, you are so beautiful" khansa always says like that whe we see to the mirror together. "Khansa very beautiful too" I always kiss her cheek, eyes, nose, chin and end with her lips like I always do to my dream. She usually smiles and says "I love you bunda" and I always say same "I love you khansa". Being a mother for me is a whole life commitment. I through very much hard moment when pregant, for 9 months I have to do heparyn injection twice a day to my body ; arms and thigh and passed so much difficult and risky opearation cesarean in maternity. Khansa always hugs me when sees me cry, she always tries making me smile and laugh. I love you so much Khansa.

What I found when I took overall jeans in my cupboard. Few hijab sheet folded nicely. I stared them and suddenly remained this. One day I told to him, my dream "you know, when we marry one day I want to wear hijab" I so remembered what he said "I know that" and I surprised "how you know, I never told you" and he said "I just know" then I said "how ?" Again he just said "I just know what you think" then I said "you are so something". I only want one person see me totally, there is my dream. I believe he can make me a better person so that's why I plan wear them.
I put them again in the cupboard, I planned, dreamed, wished and hoping many things with him. No wonder this tears just coming suddenly. Inshaallah, one day I will wear them even my dream already not with me.