Heavy raining outside and time is showing 11 pm. My dream should sleep this late, in few hours later he must go to work.
I am wondering, one day when times make us meet it will be a dream comes true. I could be speechless but I am sure he will help me to talk. I will hug him, I am sure he will understand. My eyes will talk many things and I believe he will know.
I met him in 2008 and now 2016, its mean ... 8 years. We had been too far, only me and him know how that far.
For last 8 years I never change. The first he knows me, it still who I am now. I thought it just happen in movies but it is real happen. I need my dream in my life. As my strength, power, and light. He had taken my heart already at very first time he said : I am taimoor.

That day will come when my dream already be 'someone'. Poeple will see a success person and they understand whose behind him. But, no one will know me, a person from a far who always lighten him through pray, support, love, life and soul. And still he with me, keep me as his angel ? either me nor him could answer. Only times answer it. Time is going forward, life is changing, so do human. Will time change us my dream ? 

If there is no tomorrow, I already given him all my heart have. 

I am missing my dream. I dont have much words to write, say and tell. Good night.

What else I could do. Vowing his name until I overslept in between my pain. If just my dream hug me, I wouldnt ask anything to less my pain. It just enough. Hard to sleep in pain like this, even I know crying it just like a kid but illogical I believe would less the pain. My dream ... my dream ... my dream ... still vowing his name.

I still keep the key chain from my dream. It should be a couple key chain, he keeps one and I am another. I opened the box which keep all the things you had sent for me. I still keep them all. When you gone I want to throw them all to trash, wont to see even remain each thing of memory you made. But I never do that ... how can I do that. Because I live with that memories.

My dream called me this morning. I didnt recognize the number, but it was him. I heard his voice, his laugh, it just made me missing him more. Tried not to cry, even at last when the call ended ... I caressed my eyes ... before the tears went down. Tears of relieve ... I had waited him that long. Year turn into other years. I just here, waiting for some thing which I dont know either. Cried almost each night wonder is he alive or die.
When the ages in between us, still he be my dream ? When the forgotton symptoms in old come, still he remain me ? When the internet change in future, how we still in touch ? How if ... he is gone as ghost one day, what would I tell my heart ?
What I know at first, now and later my dream is half of me. If just reincarnation is real I never mind giving this life to him. Good night my dream.

I read carefully his email to know that he had married. I dont have to worry at least, there is someone who will take care his needs. I believe she will do the good for my dream. I am sure, inshaallah soon he will have a beautiful baby. And I am so believe he will be a good father and husband.

My health, what should I say to him. Until today, whenever I sick or pain I still vow his name until I got sleep. When Allah takes me first than my dream, dont worry ... I will always be besides him from a far. Will be a true angel for him from above.

I dont have much words, I believe he knows I just stay same. He can read me, even I am not talking. So I am sure he knows how my heart is. He is in my pulse. Good night my dream.

I saw his mail in junk email and frozen. I dont know why that email move to junk folder maybe because his email address not list on my inbox folder. He still alive. 3 for almost 4 years went away and come as like as a ghost. I dont have much to say to him but I think he know what I feel. Does he want to tell me some things ? Date marriage or maybe his baby is born or his wife pregnant or maybe something else. I lost my words. Tears are dropping, I just lost my words.

Last February 2016, I went to Medinah and Makkah to performed Umroh as moslem. I had two goals in mind when went there ; prayed for Khansa and myself toward him. I should wrote this long time a go but I just wrote here now. Suddenly I feel my self so much miss to perform sholat in Nabawi mosque and Harom mosque.
At once I stepped inside to Nabawi mosque I just cried because how grateful I was there, how beautiful the mosque was, and how calmed I was. My dream in mind never away that time, so I just read al quran and cried many times. Maybe so many people looked at me and wondered what happened but I just nodded my head andd kept prayed. Whenever I walked myself back to hotel, I looked so many pakistani around me. I juat looked and searched one person who looked a like my dream but I didnt find any. But what was strange many pakistani talked to me in their languages but I didnt I understand and always at end some of them gave me dates fruits and zam zam water for complimentary.
At first time I stepped to Harom mosque, I cried because I will do thawaf which mean I will see ka'bah. So many people around the world but again I just tried to find one person, my dream even I couldn't find him. Again I met so many pakistani there, talked in urdu but I dont understand. Rite in front of multazam  I cried, prayed for khansa and myself and him for good. In that time, his face captured in mind and I smiled in tears.
On back way home I know what I always say and write just right ; wherever I go my dream just there, because he already spaced my heart.

It takes many years for me to be 'survival' stage as today. Do the routine days, take part to busy daily days, throw to baking for the orders, closer to Allah in praying and reading Alquran, then of course being totally mother for Khansa which consume my time mostly. I forgot when the last time I cry for him, maybe yesterday maybe two days a go or more. It is not an achievement but one step for me to survive. I am in path to relieve. My dream no longer with me. He may forget me, even deleting all the dots in his mind so ... I just say to myself : I already forgotten and away. When remind him ... I dont find my tears but as more as long empty sight. I realize I have been empty and cold. Yes, I am hurt but ... I can acceept it. What I know he has gone.