Unfilled

We are on line, feeling so quite "What are you really doing rite now ?" i asked, "Reading your letter" he answered. I smile "You like it ?" i asked "So much" he answered, "That much until i tear apart n ready to burn them". I pause, freeze and long silent "You know what i hate ? this reality and i cant longer live in fading whole life". I still silent, cry and hurt. "I don't know how you try to understand". As if i was there, would hug him and make he feels that i am really into him. "Don't forget to burn them OK" i fix the voice and call off the line.

 

Leave everything behind, realize my self that everything has to change. The eyes tired of tears, the heart weary of memories, and the feeling burning in lost. So many years had been through which to divide what is real and dreaming.  

 

It should happen long before, before that deep, before that long, before make as like meat and blood.

 

Stop to dream mean no dream anymore, Until a day it says "I miss you", no smile, no tears, no hope and no wish anymore. "I miss u" again he make it clear his words. Remain how many messages had ignored before and i cant feel anything. "Can you say anything ?", I just stare him, deep and longing. The love never change for him "I am lost" i say in forward.

 

Empty that's all the feel.  

Tired Of Tears

I feel his warm at once ever, hug him tightly. "You come" Whispered to his ear. Slowly caress my hair and feel how he nod. I stare to his eyes, smile "I love you" tears on my face. He wipes it and smiles back at me "I love you". We kiss slowly, long and deep seems like it won't last. "I want you" he says still with eyes closed. I push myself to him, pull me tightly to his body "I need you" he whispers on my ear. I feel that words weaken all my defense and waken all the hunger of him. We stare each other in long and deep. Feel the breath, listen the heart beat which going fast and running. I so much want him.

 

I look down to his chest, hide all the tears. "No tears, i am with you" he caress my face gently and kiss my eyes. Again looking into his eyes deeply. "Break them all" i say in low, hold his hands gently. "How much you want it ?" he asked, "So much" i said, "How much you keep it ?" i asked, "A lot" he answered.

 

Slowly caress my neck then kiss it "who are you ?" i feel his doubt, feeling his lips on my neck "yours" he stopped. Take my head to his hands, meet his forehead to mine. Unbutton my clothes then carry me in his holding. "You are mine just mine" i wipe his tears.

 

Day no longer day, night no longer night. The day appears into ice, the time click into freeze. Feel the warm which i am longing, feel the relieve which i imagine, feel the completeness which i wait ... with him. Laying on his arm, touch his hair, tears slowly running down "i love you". He response it, pull me to his holding ... its too perfect to be real ... too perfect for us. 

“Being together isn’t about a honeymoon. It’s about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings, I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Because you aren’t just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can’t imagine giving that up again… You might not understand but I gave you the best of me, and after you left nothing was ever the same.. I know you’re afraid, and I’m afraid too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I’m not sure we’ll ever get another chance. We’re still young. We still have time to make this right…We still have the rest of our lives.”

From the novel "The Best Of Me' by Nicholas Sparks

I can't remember when exactly i fall in love to you. Surely not the first time i see you, so it is not love at first sight. Loving you through the process. Knowing you more each day just making me again and again to love you. Can't stop it ... can't resist it ... can't keep and hide it anymore ... the years gone by just enough for me to keep for myself.

You give me love and care which i never feel before, all just make live in fairy which won't wake up for real. If this fairy, i want the end just beautiful as like the tale. If this real, i won't mind ... cuz everything is like real when i am wondering you. If this dream, i won't wake up too fast stay sleep cuz of the pills. And if this not true, i won't regret it cuz i am living within the risk.

There is a night, i just typed "Take me with you" but i just read, erased and delete it. All i see, there is a beautiful gift in my holding who hold my clothes so tight as like won't let me go. The only one daughter for i can sacrifice anything .... anything ... my life, my soul even my love for you. It conqueres everything. I can't go far and let her go ... i am just to afraid to loose her as being her mother if just i send that text.

If just, that day ... you come to take me before all of this. I wont say anything, i just go with you. Because i need your strength, braveness to take me while i too afraid and fear of anything. But, everything is too fast to happen. In my heart there still hope, wish, faith and believe with you.

I am far from perfect and special, being with you i feel all of these.

I love you,

I risk my life to be with him this second, give my all to be next him. He surely know what i do for him tonight, may change everything. He stares my eyes with no words, feeling all his ego, passion and love. I try to answer all through my eyes. If it's wrong so my heart won't let me be right. He wipes my tears, surely he knows what tears are for. I can't resist and won't hear anything to make it right just for now. I will make it and the rest i'll be half alife. I am waiting him to say even some words 'don't' but for last never come out. All the waiting and hiding are enough, for me for him, for us ... both. We know, it will be mistake but enough to away the pain since long. I am here with him for once and being deaf, mute then blind of surrounding. Feeling his skin on my fingers, again he wipes my tears. I am not fear and he knows it. We just know all wrong but this love, this heart, this feeling can't understand anymore. "I am yours" the first saying seems crash all the silent, see him more deeply. "I love you" he said and kissed me. 

"For My Love,

When i am writing this, you smiled while you were sleeping..

I am giving all to you tonight and half alife after all.

Always love and miss you"

I put slowly next to him, kiss him for last, looking him deeply, "i love you" I said softly. walking to the door and again see him for the last and cry.

  

Wake u up in midle of night and say, I need you more
Wake u up in early morning and say, Even half alive, i'll be fine
Stay through the night and say, Make it true
Stand through the day and say, I am yours

Having all what i have
Calm me down when i'm afraid
Hug me when i'm doubt
Kiss me when i'm lost

Don't have any strength to resist you
I say no, you say i stay
I say don't, you say i will
I say stop, you say i walk in
I say forget, you say i'm living with it

Then we call it love

"Can i have two ice cream dad ?" Ajmal smiles to his dad "you want two ? is one for me ?" Ajmal shakes his head "no, it is not for u" he grinnes with his least teeth on his mouth "so ... " his father smiles "is for mom ?" again Ajmal shakes his head "it is not for mommy also" he smiles with shy face "so ..." his father smiles again "it is for my new friend. she is sitting there". "Do you said 'she' ?" asked his father with smiling. "Hiiiiii yes. i will let you know, come on dad hurry" Ajmal reaches his father hand forcing him to be faster.

"Sstss dad, be nice with her, will you promise me ?" Ajmal whisperes to his dad "i will don't you worry". They walk closer to her, her hair is black with curly under it. She wears flowery dress with small ribbon on her hair. "Here, i have something for you" Ajmal run into her and she smiles to him "thank you Ajmal, you are nice" Ajmal grinnes and waves to his dad "I want you to know my dad, he bought us this ice cream" he turns his head back and again waves to his dad. "It is so good, really ... thank you Sir" she smiles. "Yes sure, what is you name ?", "Dad, i have told you her name is Khansa don't u remember ?" Ajmal looked his father seriously "I do Ajmal, she is so lovely".

"Mommy ... i am here" Khansa stands and waves to her mother "Mommy ... here". Khansa runs into her mother and holding her "Don't play too far from me" they walk hand by hand closer to Ajmal and his father. " Ajmal gave me an ice cream, his father bought us" Khansa tells everything. "Who is Ajmal ? your new friend ?" asks her mother "Yes mom, he is nice. Come on meet them" Khansa runs into Ajmal and his father.

"What a beautiful boy" She says with holding her breath "Yes, beautiful daughter also" He says so tender and deep. "I am Ryza and this is my daughter Khansa, it really nice to meet you" She smiles in weary " I am Taimoor and this my son, Ajmal. It is so great to meet you too" his hands so warm in my hands, we just eye to eye and silent. "Mommy ... here ... here ..." Ajmal suddenly runs into a woman behind him. A woman with long hair and motherly smiling face. "What Ajmal ?" her voice so soft and looks patient. "Meet my new friend". I see him just nod down and no words, "Hi, i am Ryza, and this is Khansa my daughter", "Oh Hi, i am Alika and surely you know ... he is Ajmal my son" She smiles i just realize how beautiful she is. She has dark brown eyes "And this is my husband, Taimoor".

***

"Thank you for you invitation Ajmal, happy birthday" Khansa gives him a gift with blue ribbon on it. "Khansa helps me to wrap it, happy birthday Ajmal. Hope you like our choice" I smile to him, "Thank you, sure i will like it". "You know what, it is the first time Ajmal want to celebrate his birthday except with me and my husband, last night he said he wanted Khansa and you to come for dinner with us. I grant his asking so i call you to come here tonight" Alika please us to come. "You have beautiful house" I see surrounding and feel comfort in its. "Mostly my husband arrange all" She laughs. I just smile and see him at glance.

"So, are you live nearby here Ryza ?" Alika asks me, we are all sit on dining table. There is a cake with candles and some food. "Not too far, by the way thank you for the invitation i am so please to be here","Are you house wife as like me or working ?" she asks again, "I am still working, cuz of my job i am here, i had been here for half year", "Oh really ? so, any plan to permanent ?", "No, i will back at the end of this year" i see him at glance and to her then Ajmal in one. "Oh ..., your husband ?" this time i just pause and see Khansa. I smile at her "Just two of us, Khansa and I" I caress her hair softly and smile to Ajmal. "Oh Okay" Alika seems like unease with that topic.

"You see that cake ?" Ajmal asks Khansa, "Yes why ?" answered Khansa, " My dad made it for me, he is so good in it" I see Alike hug him with cherish and happy, i just know they are happy inside. "What your dad gave to you ?" Ajmal walk closer to Khansa, i just don't know why that two kids so close. "I forget" Khansa go down from her chair and crawl on my lap and says "I want to go home mommy, i want my birthday like this" then she is crying so soft and deep. I feel what she feels, sad and anger in same time as like me.  Everyone just silent, i stare to Alika and Taimoor "I think, i have to go early. I am sorry Ajmal".

***

to be continued

My Dear Daughter, Khansa Amaira

Rite now, Bunda still on seat even lunch time just start. Looking your picture and watching your video. Bunda is missing and loving you so much, the only one reason which i stand for everything. For nine months you are with me, inside me. Feeling your move, wondering you look, and dreaming you beside me all the night. No matter what i have been through, the treatment and medication still the pain which i continue until today, those are worth it whenever i see you smile at me.

Only in few days exactly on June 3 you will be 8 months. Praying that i can see how you grow up each day. Can't wait hear you say "Bunda, khansa loves you", can't wait you hug me, can't wait to spend times and many things with you. 

Kisses,

Bunda

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breathe.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, when you say those words.

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
When you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

Do you know how I love you?

Whether is right or wrong, 

want to say 'love you'

Why saying that words quite hard ?

Maybe afraid to going deeper ... fearful to hurting

Why should be afraid which is not necessary ?
Why should cry for what shouldnt be ?

When day turn then sun change into stars, the presence still same

If it is not me, will be another here after
and ... if it is not you, will be the one after this

There wont be place for hiding all what feel
Everything will burst in pieces

An empty on my own

With you, aslike filled in

Wondering your presence
Scent your smile
Feeling your warm

Truly miss you

Cant say, Love

Just want to write, you are my dream

When i look into his eyes all i see like watching night and day sky. Clearly and glam full of hope. He smiles at me so tender and sincere. Making my heart rough and cry. "What is going on ?" He asked me, i nod and smiles. No, i am not smiles i am so down as like the sky fall into me. "Why you asked that at me ?". He holds my hands and stares me "You are badly so lost" yes i am ... so lost ... and i need you.

I look up to sky, i don't need a fancy car, a big house, bunch of flower, stack of money, happening fashionably accessories and clothing. I wont be anybody else. I want a beautiful life which is precious and  deserve being my own. "Listen to me, why you are so gloomy?" he asked as like pushing me to be honest. Silence is not always golden, silence not always good and silence is not always right thing. 

"I want by your side, finding what beautiful life is" i said directly for only at once in life.

He nods down and can't further see me, "Nor you and i can grant it rite ?" he wipes my tears and holds me so tight, "Why is so hard to accomplish ?" he asked me "Because i know nor you and i can't make it". "Just let me go and i will let u go, can't bear it longer". I look him for the last so deeply. "There is no heaven between us, there is no right thing inside" 

The bench we used to sit colored in white, and always be still white as long as the hours around us. "Why you don't belief we have can make it everything ?" he asked, "No one can compromise that". We look forward without words, this is the end which should end in advance. The bench may change the colored but the person may change start tomorrow.

I just don't know where its love go
All i see just regret
Is it punishment for my own
I want my life back
I need fulfill my own
I lost the word of happiness
I lost the word of concern
If could turn back time
I just want to remain on my own
Not you and others
Am i that selfish ... ?
Yes, i am
Because my turn to act what i really want
Tired being so patient
Fed up being so silent
So crazy being a doll all the time
So naive being an allowing and obeying whole life
It just enough