More than a week, almost for 2 weeks i have no news about you. No email, no text even no call. I dont know anything, as long as my dream good and happy it may be fine. Where is he gone ? He had left me almost 3 years with no words at all so will he do same again ? I dont know and really have no idea at all. All the feeling right now seema useless so let i keep all for myself. Seperate by miles, ocean, times and conditions but ever he knows how i could stay same. He may come and go but i never away.

I miss my dream, i cry whenever miss him badly like this. Why my heart loves him that much, even i never know how inside his heart right now. Everything has chamge, should i stay same or should i go.  All his words remain to his eyes, something which i never seen again. Longing his warm which no longer mine. I am speechless, more i write more i cry this time.

11 pm, coming to midnight and i still awake. What is my dream doing this time ? My dream, i am missing you. My days passed so hard, i just need his hug. I lost words ...

So late this time, 2 am and I still awake. My mind running wild, it should be my dream only in mind. I just think, will he always be with me ? How if he go and leave me like he did 2 to 3 years a go, will it happen ?

My dream and his wife have many good times together, I believe she cares and loves my dream. One day, they will have one, or maybe two or maybe twin or maybe three or many kids which colour they married life. In that time ... will my dream still with me ? in that time will I still have place in his life ?

My dream, no one will know who what and how I am in your life. There is only one person who I call my dream, and is you. No one even times could change it. My dream own his place in mine.

I always to wake up in middle of nigh like right now. 2 pm this time. Only my dream who always come in mind. Somehow, I want my dream hug me until I sleep again. I am missing him. My dream, have you ever think to leave me again ?

Tonight I am wearing the sleeping dress you had given me few years ago. I still wearing it in times missing my dream badly. Somehow I could feel my dream hug me while I am sleeping. Still fit with me, I still have the same size and weight. My dream exactly know my size. My dream exactly know me inside and outside ... all ... about me. Until the intimate to privacy things he had known all. As if he was here besides me, I would cuddle as like as a kid inside his hug. He knows how spoil I am to him. Good night my dream ... missing you badly.

My dream, is it much if I ask you to hug me through night this time ? I feel so pain. My head and stomach, the fever makes me hard to sleep. I have been trying to close this eyes but hardly to sleep. Whispering your name. My dream, I cant take this pain. My dream, is it much to ask you to still hug me until I sleep ? My dream ... my dream ... my dream ...

silent hill

1.32 am, indonesia - jakarta. This what I always do after cake baking. Spend some times for sitting, writing blog, reading books or just watching late show on cable tv. I dont realize I just cried. Wondering my dream in front of me. I could tell him everything. That time, I used talked him ... a lot ... many things. He always texted me that he already home and was online. I woke up from bed, with pajama, messy hair and online. We talked many things. I never see him ... never ... in mess. He always good looking even at midnight to dawn even morning. His hair, clothes and faces always so ... great. So different with me who always mess, off course ... I just wake up and directly shared cam to him. I spent many nights with him. I spent my life with him. So please tell me ... how can I not miss my dream. I just have him to talk. To him I cant hide even bit. I just have him to share all the sad, worries, happiness even anger and disappointed. He is all I have. Allah sets our born in such far ... but I believe there must be reasons. He is all the words which unspoken. He is everything I need.

I want to caress my dream face and say "dont you worry, its all life called. Life is up and down as rollercoaster. My pray with you and I always with you" Hug him softly and caress his back. With no words I want he feels calm, safe and carefree in mine.
Dont he say he need me, so here I am for. I am missing talk to him. I am missing his laugh. I just miss my dream, a lot.

"Bunda ... so pain !!!!" many many times khansa cried loudly at me. And I just "stttsss ... dont cry. Bunda is here, nothing is pain" I held her hands, carried her or just caress her back. She got 4 times injections and 5 days infused. It was the 4th time khansa hospitalized for last 5 years in her ages. Honestly, I just want to cry whenever she said that pain but I didn't. I want to show her how to be strong, brave and patience in condition like that.
Actually I couldn't find any difference between me and my daughter when we were sick. She always calls my name many times until she fall asleep then me .... I always call my dream.
She never prepare herself to loose me, because she knows I never leave her. Then myself ... I never prepare to loose my dream even I never know will my dream leave me or no.
In corner of the alley where khansa inward in hospital there was babies room. I was so often went there, looked them through glasses window. I smiled and cried looking at them. My mind jumped to long a go when my dream always asked kids from me. And I always said, if I were able in my condition I will do it for you. In fact in my health conditions having a baby is too risky. The ratio is 30:70 means; 70% the baby is alive and myself only 30%.
Love sometimes illogic in brain but logic through heart. Love can bring us one purpose to survive. It can be so sweet aslike sugar and can be so bitter aslike acid. I have through it ... the bittersweet of love and live with my dream.

I had been thousand miles away from my dream for last 8 years. Sometimes Its not matter, sometimes its matter. Especially when I am in conditions as like as this ... it becomes matters. In his hug I could cry, less all the tiring, sickness and worried. I am not always powerpuff girl, sometimes I could be so down. My dream, just hug me.

My dream, hug me. My temperature so high, so headache, so sore throat so not well. Khansa ... also sick. We are sick. My dream ... hug me. So not well ... hug me. So pain my dream.

Heavy raining outside and time is showing 11 pm. My dream should sleep this late, in few hours later he must go to work.
I am wondering, one day when times make us meet it will be a dream comes true. I could be speechless but I am sure he will help me to talk. I will hug him, I am sure he will understand. My eyes will talk many things and I believe he will know.
I met him in 2008 and now 2016, its mean ... 8 years. We had been too far, only me and him know how that far.
For last 8 years I never change. The first he knows me, it still who I am now. I thought it just happen in movies but it is real happen. I need my dream in my life. As my strength, power, and light. He had taken my heart already at very first time he said : I am taimoor.

That day will come when my dream already be 'someone'. Poeple will see a success person and they understand whose behind him. But, no one will know me, a person from a far who always lighten him through pray, support, love, life and soul. And still he with me, keep me as his angel ? either me nor him could answer. Only times answer it. Time is going forward, life is changing, so do human. Will time change us my dream ? 

If there is no tomorrow, I already given him all my heart have. 

I am missing my dream. I dont have much words to write, say and tell. Good night.

What else I could do. Vowing his name until I overslept in between my pain. If just my dream hug me, I wouldnt ask anything to less my pain. It just enough. Hard to sleep in pain like this, even I know crying it just like a kid but illogical I believe would less the pain. My dream ... my dream ... my dream ... still vowing his name.

I still keep the key chain from my dream. It should be a couple key chain, he keeps one and I am another. I opened the box which keep all the things you had sent for me. I still keep them all. When you gone I want to throw them all to trash, wont to see even remain each thing of memory you made. But I never do that ... how can I do that. Because I live with that memories.

My dream called me this morning. I didnt recognize the number, but it was him. I heard his voice, his laugh, it just made me missing him more. Tried not to cry, even at last when the call ended ... I caressed my eyes ... before the tears went down. Tears of relieve ... I had waited him that long. Year turn into other years. I just here, waiting for some thing which I dont know either. Cried almost each night wonder is he alive or die.
When the ages in between us, still he be my dream ? When the forgotton symptoms in old come, still he remain me ? When the internet change in future, how we still in touch ? How if ... he is gone as ghost one day, what would I tell my heart ?
What I know at first, now and later my dream is half of me. If just reincarnation is real I never mind giving this life to him. Good night my dream.

I read carefully his email to know that he had married. I dont have to worry at least, there is someone who will take care his needs. I believe she will do the good for my dream. I am sure, inshaallah soon he will have a beautiful baby. And I am so believe he will be a good father and husband.

My health, what should I say to him. Until today, whenever I sick or pain I still vow his name until I got sleep. When Allah takes me first than my dream, dont worry ... I will always be besides him from a far. Will be a true angel for him from above.

I dont have much words, I believe he knows I just stay same. He can read me, even I am not talking. So I am sure he knows how my heart is. He is in my pulse. Good night my dream.

I saw his mail in junk email and frozen. I dont know why that email move to junk folder maybe because his email address not list on my inbox folder. He still alive. 3 for almost 4 years went away and come as like as a ghost. I dont have much to say to him but I think he know what I feel. Does he want to tell me some things ? Date marriage or maybe his baby is born or his wife pregnant or maybe something else. I lost my words. Tears are dropping, I just lost my words.

Last February 2016, I went to Medinah and Makkah to performed Umroh as moslem. I had two goals in mind when went there ; prayed for Khansa and myself toward him. I should wrote this long time a go but I just wrote here now. Suddenly I feel my self so much miss to perform sholat in Nabawi mosque and Harom mosque.
At once I stepped inside to Nabawi mosque I just cried because how grateful I was there, how beautiful the mosque was, and how calmed I was. My dream in mind never away that time, so I just read al quran and cried many times. Maybe so many people looked at me and wondered what happened but I just nodded my head andd kept prayed. Whenever I walked myself back to hotel, I looked so many pakistani around me. I juat looked and searched one person who looked a like my dream but I didnt find any. But what was strange many pakistani talked to me in their languages but I didnt I understand and always at end some of them gave me dates fruits and zam zam water for complimentary.
At first time I stepped to Harom mosque, I cried because I will do thawaf which mean I will see ka'bah. So many people around the world but again I just tried to find one person, my dream even I couldn't find him. Again I met so many pakistani there, talked in urdu but I dont understand. Rite in front of multazam  I cried, prayed for khansa and myself and him for good. In that time, his face captured in mind and I smiled in tears.
On back way home I know what I always say and write just right ; wherever I go my dream just there, because he already spaced my heart.

It takes many years for me to be 'survival' stage as today. Do the routine days, take part to busy daily days, throw to baking for the orders, closer to Allah in praying and reading Alquran, then of course being totally mother for Khansa which consume my time mostly. I forgot when the last time I cry for him, maybe yesterday maybe two days a go or more. It is not an achievement but one step for me to survive. I am in path to relieve. My dream no longer with me. He may forget me, even deleting all the dots in his mind so ... I just say to myself : I already forgotten and away. When remind him ... I dont find my tears but as more as long empty sight. I realize I have been empty and cold. Yes, I am hurt but ... I can acceept it. What I know he has gone.

My dream, as if you were still with me there would be many things to tell you. Khansa just roll in the kindergarten. I drive her each morning at 7 am to school and pick her at 10 am. I also take her to write and read course three times in a week at noon. My dream, khansa will be 5 this October. She is with you since in my stomach. When I was talk to you she moved so fast and turned around. When I didnt sleep each night for taking care her you were there with me. I just know you are there. And I just know I am there for you. I just there when you laugh and cry. The tears never end my dream, until today everything just same.

I used to ask my dream hug me tight when I was sick like this. Until today I still vowing his name through sleeping whenever sick. He might be lost who I am, a person who had been an angel even his life. My dream I am so dizzy ... just hug me. All about this just making me crying.

It will be the second ramadhan which I through without my dream. I know ramadhan is his favorite month. I so remember exactly how he says it to me. I so remember how I pass my fasting day with my dream. How he was with me when I start my fasting at dawn. Wake me up and so do I to him. I just starting to cry ... to remain his voices, words and how beautiful his eyes. The eyes which I miss so much. Happy ramadhan my dream.

No, I cant. He still haunting me. Whenever wake up at midnight, his face, voices and words still flashing my mind. I just cry to know how I risk my life to still be with him, cry to know how this heart still same as it is, cry to know how break this heart. Sometimes I just want to call him and say "my dream ... hate you. Hating the way you do at me. Hating you as much as I love you" then just cry on phone. But I never do that, I just afraid ... afraid .... afraid because I love my dream and kills me more.

Rite on 12.17 pm indonesian time. Looked to the dark and echo voice in mind. "Dont make me used for love like this my dream. I am not a person who say -i love you- each day" honestly I just afraid. "You should say it each minute for me. Just say it my angel"
Tears coming through memory. I have tons of beautiful things with my dream. And I let myself living with it even it would be pain.

12 am and still awake. Tears just running down like stupid and hardly to stop. What else tears coming that way because of him, my dream. He always ask me what is difference thing between us ? I never know what kind of thing it is. Then now I am finding the answer. How I through my life like this ? Until when I survive ? I just lost path to go even to step. I am own my self and totally empty.

I am becoming so pro. I should be an artist. The true i am when i face my self to the mirror. I smile to many poeple even laugh to someone who joke at me. But in fact deep inside i am not. I cry so much even getting too much for last 2 years until today. It happens after my dream leave me. Mirroring myself is reflection for who i am. I so remember, used to hide and cry under my study desk when I hear my parents fight. I hold my legs and pretend to deaf from their voices. So pathetic my life is. When my eyes starting to stare what inside just empty. What I know for myself today, I just empty on my own. I have no place to talk maybe that's why tears becoming the place. I lost the path, way and direction to go. I am breaking and hard to stand.