Until ?

1.48 am and heavy raining outside. Raining will go on maybe until March. For Chinese people it will bring more fortune, China New Year will come next Friday. Then for myself, raining leave many memories to remember. 

He, my dream no longer physically stay with me. But his trace still around me. He still place in this heart. 1 year ? maybe 2 or 3 years ? how about 5 years ? then how if 7 to 10 years ? until the rest of my ages ?. Who can guarantee i can be life longer than a year ? who can guarantee this body and myself still able to stay strong and stand with all the condition i have rite now ? 

If just only know, how this love. If just i am not his path, hope and wish are no longer mean. If just i create for him, faith will just meet. His eyes which i always remain, with stare his eyes and wordless the tears just drip slowly. Something which i can't say it again, the words that we already know since long. In many dreamed of him since he went away, i kept silent, just stared his eyes and dripped the tears. Let all this written tell what i feel. 

A Housewife

A housewife is a woman whose main occupation is running or managing the family's home—caring for and educating her children, cooking and storing food, buying goods the family needs in day to day life, cleaning and maintaining the home, etc.—and who is generally not employed outside the home.

That is my job since June 2013. Not easy tasks, need much effort and take all the energy, emotions and of course patience. I used to run to one meeting to other meeting for 8 years in past but never and ever feel so tired as being a mother who taking care a very much so so so so and so active kid-daughter whose 2 years and 3 months ages. Lately i take baking course. I always choose on weekend. Well not just for the hobby but also for add more knowledge about baking and not for the last is for my future.

What is the most favorite place in my house ? the kitchen. It always be my escape. It leaves many memories with my dream. I laugh, smile and cry in there. Even the last conversation we had it was on the kitchen. Kitchen is always be my escape. The food, the cookies, the cakes, the pastry, the bread, and not forget the order cakes and cookies are always fresh from the oven rite on my kitchen. Almost everyday my house smell of vanilla extract. When can't sleep, when remind of my dream, when feel hurt and sad no matter what time is i always go to kitchen. It places on back of my house with back garden as the view. I can feel the sun, the moon and the rain directly. I already fall in love with this kitchen.

Maybe i am not a good wife, but i always want to be a good mother for my daughter. Being a totally housewife changes me by time. For know nothing about cleaning the home until know everything. It is surely not easy decision for me for the first. I leave my career which already in good path, run so smooth and well. Be promoted to new position and very bargaining money. I leave everything behind, after see my daughter come and go to hospital each month. The allergic and upper breathing matters. I never want be a dependent person the reason i work. But so far, even not earn as much as i work in past, the hobby brings another luck.

SO OUT OF MY MIND, DREAM MY DREAM LOVE ME THROUGH THE NIGHT. EVERYTHING IS STILL SAME. THE TOUCH, THE KISS, THE HOLD, AND THE WARM. CAN'T DO ANYTHING, CARESS THE TEARS, WRITE WHAT I FEEL, CLOSE THE EYES FOR BACK TO SLEEP.

Allin

DEAR ALLIN,

WE JUST HAVE A BIT OF TIMES TO MAKE FRIENDS. WE JUST MEET IN DHARMAIS HOSPITAL IN SAME DOCTOR, DR NOORWATI, IN SAME CASES -DDIMER- . I REMEMBERED FEW MONTHS AGO YOU SAID YOU WILL GO TO SINGAPORE TO DO LAST OPERATION IN YOUR STOMACH, YOU HAD CANCER. YOUR EYES TALKED MANY THINGS, THE HOPE, THE AFRAID, THE EFFORT AND OF COURSE THE BELIEF TO BE CURED.

YOU HAVE LONG HAIR AND BLACK. YOU HAD LOST YOUR DAD SINCE KID. WELL, OUR WAITING LINE IN HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM ALWAYS CLOSE WHENEVER TIME IN MEET. YESTERDAY, WHEN I WENT THERE TO CONTINUE AND EVALUATE MY TREATMENT SOMEONE SAID TO ME "YOU KNOW A GIRL WITH LONG HAIR" I ASKED "WHO ?" NOT MUCH GIRLS IN THIS WAITING LINE "THE YOUNG ONE MAYBE THE AGE NOT FAR FROM YOU. I SEE YOU MANY TIMES TALK TO HER" I GOT IT IT MUST BE ALLIN, I DONT TALK AS MUCH AS WITH HER THAN ANYONE IN THIS ROOM. "ALLIN ?" THE WOMAN NOD "YES SHE IS. IT SOUNDS HER NAME. SHE PASSED AWAY MAYBE FEW WEEKS AGO. IN SINGAPORE, IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER THE LAST OPERATION. I MEET HER HUSBAND IN THIS HOSPITAL MAYBE LAST WEEK" 

I PAUSED, SILENT AND STARED IN LONG HALLWAY. "SHE GOT DDIMER AS LIKE AS ME. AND EVENTUALLY THE DOCTOR FOUND CANCER IN HER STOMACH. SHE HAD TAKEN CHEMOTHERAPY MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE. HAD OPERATION MAYBE TWICE OR THIRD AND THE LAST TIME SHE WENT TO SINGAPORE FOR THE BEST DECISION" 

THE WOMAN WHO THE AGE MAYBE 50'S SOMETHING HOLD MY HANDS. "IT'S THE BEST WAY FOR HER" I JUST SILENT. WHO KNOW IT WAS BEST WAY OR NOT. I DIDN'T TELL THAT WOMAN THAT I JUST DID MRI LAST MONTH AND ALREADY TOOK TREATMENT FOR RISK DIAGNOSED BLOOD CANCER. I WILL DO PREVENTION BEFORE IT GOES BE WORST. 

ALLIN, WE DONT HAVE MUCH TIME TO KNOW EACH OTHER. EVEN WE DON'T KNOW THE PHONE NUMBER EACH OTHER. I PRAY YOU ARE IN GOOD IN THERE. REST IN PEACE. YOUR PAIN JUST END AND MAYBE IT'S ALREADY WRITTEN AS GOOD WAY. 

I WILL DO WHAT GOOD FOR ME. AS LONG AS I AM ABLE. 

How much ... How much ?

3 AM AND SUDDENLY WAKE UP. RAINING OUTSIDE. IT'S BEEN RAINING SINCE LAST DECEMBER. IF THE PLAN JUST GRANT BE REAL, WE MEET THIS DECEMBER, MY DREAM AND I, YOU WILL SO LOVE BECAUSE IT ALWAYS RAIN.

I AM CRYING. DEEP IN THIS HEART IS SAYING THAT HOW I MISS MY DREAM. I JUST CAN'T SAY AND SHOW IT ANYMORE. SO LET I KEEP IN HEART. THE DAY CHANGE WHEN THE STAR AND THE MOON ROTATE, THE MOON TURN IN AND LATER THE YEAR WILL CHANGE BY TIMES. ALL I KNOW THE FEELING AND THE HEART WILL JUST STAY AS LIKE IT IS. IT KEEP ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

"HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME ? HOW MUCH ?" MY DREAM SOMETIMES ASKED ME "IT CAN'T COUNT, LOVE NEVER CAN'T COUNT. SO MUCH, VERY SO MUCH"

YES, IT CAN'T COUNT EVEN WORDS CAN'T DESCRIBE. LET TIME TELL HOW MUCH.  NOW I KNOW WHY MY DREAM STILL COME IN MY SLEEPING. EACH SHOLAT AND EACH PRAY WHICH I PERFORM I ALWAYS DO DOA IN SAYING "YA ALLAH, MAKE US MEET IN A BEAUTIFUL TIME WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL WAY" MAYBE MY DOA ARE LISTENED AND BY TIMES IT COULD REALLY COME.

Dreaming

FEW DAYS AGO, I DREAMT ABOUT HIM, MY DREAM. YA ALLAH, WHY HE STILL COME IN MY SLEEPING ? WHAT IS THE REASON ALL OF THESE ?
HE TALKED SOMETHING. I JUST LISTENED AND STARED HIM. CRIED. 

AT NOON, KHANSA, MY DAUGHTER ASKED THE SAME Q WHILE SEING HIS PICTURE ON LONDON BRIDGE. ALWAYS THE SAME PICT AND SAME Q.

FOR 9 MONTHS IN MY STOMACH, PREGNANCY. SHE USED WITH HIS PRESENCE. NO WONDER SHE FEELS THE CONNECTION. SHE MOVED AND TURNED AROUND IN MY STOMACH WHILE WE WERE TALKING.

YA ALLAH, WHAT THESE ALL ABOUT ? WHAT THE REASON ALL OF THESE ?

Tomorrow

12.47 am and i just finished making chocolate stick mold for order. I have to sleep earlier tonight. Tomorrow i will do MRI. My doctor, dr Noorwati Sutandyo suggested me to do MRI because the blood test result showed the white blood cell - leukocyte amount three times bigger than the red blood cell - erythrocyte. It will effect to my D-dimer  problems. Some cases mean i may have risk of very early stage of blood cancer. It already scheduled from last week. The test resulted and more what she said about the risk shocked me. I am not denial, i accept it. I have to do prevention before the cell more grow and spread faster. My self and the body itself will do as much effort as we able.

I am trying so hard not to cry, trying that hard not to afraid for tomorrow. It will just take 30 minutes as like USG and CT Scan but i feel so frigged out. 

The same day, if not mistaken and not any delay or cancellation, my dream will go back to UK. Will he back to the same city and same place ? only he knows. Ishaallah he will have the safe flight. For me wherever you are, you already be my dream - the sun, the moon and the star.

Khansa, bunda loves you. Bunda owes you many big things. You safe me, always. In the morning later lets we sing Barney-the favorite song ever : I love you, you love me, we are happy family, with big hugs and kisses from me to you, wont you love me too. Give me your best smile for through tomorrow. 

Puzzle

2.36 am finished from baking cookies, performed tahajud, read al quran, then prepared to sleep. I am writing to heal before go to bed. 

January 2, 2013. This late and still awake. Usually talked to him what he is doing and now it is not my portion anymore. I am happy for him, my dream. For whatever truth and the reason behind all of this i already send it to Allah because it is not my part anymore.

I already given everything, the heart, the feeling, the risk, the body and soul itself. I never can say no, to wonder how big, how deep, how wide, how tall and how long what is shaped of love itself. I am willing do all, with just a reason i believe "Because i love you".

I feel thrown away, but more over i believe Allah has the reasons for all. An angel not always has wings and a dream not always grant to be real. The rest which scatter to be a puzzle and make a shape along with times. Path life may different, but heart wont lie. Each smile and laugh, there will drip of tears which no end. Take everything you may need, reach anything you dream, wish and plan because everyone deserve it.

First day in 2014 we dont pass together.

The new year just come and we already separated. 

Not only in miles and times but also the live and life.

Is raining all day, do you still love rain ?

December just end, the month which plan be love month already a last month 

Januari 2014 just come, the new journey is starting

Suddenly remembered what you always said "I cant, really cant pass a day without you"

Suddenly remembered what i said "How i live without my dream" 

Look at me now. I still alive, for the struggle each day. Fall to wake turn in, i still alive after you answered "You have to. Please you have to"

Happy new year.