I lost appetite. Whenever eat, always feel queasy. Feel not good. Almost 1 am rite now. I am going to sleep, before it I want to post blogging. Actually, I miss my dream so much. An angel is someone who always beside to a person. Then, when my time is passed, I really become a real angel who close to him. Will he miss me when I am gone ? Will he cry when I pass ? How will his life will be ? Will he feels break in pieces when loose me ? Will he afraid if I come in his dream ? Then how will he look me in different creatures, still he recognize me ?  Will he mind I am around him even in different world ? . Allah loves me that much, and so do I.

My dream, hug me ... I feel not good.

I just want to say congratulation my dream, finally you got  your degree. All the hard days you had passed through already paid and worth for proud. From looking job very first time, the visa problems, the enrolled university, bank account and so on. I am so happy I was there to hear all your hard. For the first time you go, it was hard for me. But I support you in many doa and prays. Not easy to be so much further from you. But I just silent and through it the days. I always said, no ... just complete your study ... many many times. I so much know if just I say, my dream leave it and be with me, you will do that ... everything but never I say that. Because I know, so much know that degree you dream on since beginning We meet. So I just there, keep everything, support you in many hard days. I remembered how hard many nights in late job, the funny was I always waited you back from work. How can I not cry my dream for all of these. And I am crying just now. I was there in your bad times, and little good times too. Any decisions you will take after this, I will support you. I know and believe you will take what is good one for you.

1 am and awake. I just dreamed of him, my dream. He said like this ; "had I told you not to eat this that much" he threw something from my hands. I suddenly cried. And I said "I am sorry" then he directly hug me "I am sorry my angel, I didnt mean to make you cry. Oh god, you are crying like a kid" in my dreamed he hug me thight. "You threw it, you were angry" I said in crying and what I remembered for rest my dream just hug me.
I dont know should I cry or smile after this. But I just look around and not find him hug me aslike in dream. His eyes capture in mind. Wondering what is he doing this time.

3 am and suddenly wake up. Only one person in mind. My dream. Going back to sleep, wishing he come in dream. Is in his mind there is me ?

the pause

Is late here. Not sleep yet, just finish an order cake. I didnt take any order for almost a week. Because I got sick. And I didnt take many order because I am not well enough. What my dream is doing this time ? Is he remaining of me aslike I am doing rite now ? Is he missing me aslike I am feeling ritte now ? Maybe he is not. I am wondering he is beside me. Want him as always. And I dont know why I am crying, all the moments with him just come in mind which maybe cant repeat. He is my dream, but I feel he already too far to know.

I still cant sleep. The fever at night usually higher than in day. But I think the temperature not as high as yesterday, maybe around 38°c somehow make me so not comfort. The throat feels so dry, dizzy and hard to sleep well. I am trying to sleep. My dream, what are you doing this time ? Is everything fine ? I really shouldnt  need to worry, he is a big boy already a man. But I still worry about him since I know him. Good night my dream, be fine there. Come in dream tonight. Hug me then, you will find what I cant say in words.

I just cant sleep because the fever still 38°c to 39°c. I tried to sleep but the fever really pain so I went to khansa room looking something to read. I found the fifty shades of grey books trilogy. I choose the first book. It was from him, my dream. It was best selling book that time. It always sold out. Until I shared him that I wanted to buy it online. Very surprised he sent them by Amazon for me. I didnt know that time should I cried or smiled when I opened the box that time.
The books so lust and wild. I shouldnt choose this book tonight. It just made me cried just like this. I just stand to read 2 chapters and I returned back to shelf. Everything was remained me to him. Every detail in book remained me to him. So remembered he told me "I dont know about that book. Whatever you read in them just do that only with me" I just said "I will do that only with you" and just right. I never do any of its in book besides with him. Maybe he never come for me, so let I keep all in mind. The wild, the lust, the passion just let I keep it. I am longing him, and still even he went way. I am out of mind.

He is not here. Have fever like this just so right he is here but he is not. I realize he is went away. 39°c temperature make me fading. I cant sleep well, cant eat good, I want e and go aslike a ghost, I just to wait for any a word. Used to cry when sick better than feel pain of sick.

I cant sleep. The headache is too much. The fever so not comfort. The tummy so pain of period. The flu still and really not good. When sick like this I just want my mom but she is not here. I used with him, my dream said how the pain. Spoiled to him just to make me better. Used to cry just what I am doing rite now to ease the pain. The med not work much. I cant sleep, it is so pain.

On bed after baked marble cake. I cant sleep, even 1.30 am rite now. I want to write what in mind tonigh: my dream then he will say : yes then I will write : love me please. But I dont have any brave and confidence to write that. I just write here posting, tears running down. Life already so mean to me. My life wont be that long. Who will stay and be with me when I cant do nothing ?

Yesterday I dreamded of him, my dream. He became a prince. And just now I dreamed I became a wife of adam levine, maroon 5. What a really dream. I just took med for flu. I become so easily get flu and sore throat my doctor said my imune so easily effected from virus. Yes thats so true because my white blood is much bigger amount than the re blood. The white cells of blood take more part of red blood cells, the imune itself slowly taken by the white. I am afraid, off course I am afraid. Cant imagine how life will bring with condition like this.