I WANT TO FEEL SIT BESIDE MY DREAM, TALK, SMILE EVEN LAUGH ASLIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. I WANT TO FEEL OUR EYES STARE EACH OTHER. HOW IT FEELS IN HIS WARM HUG ? HOW ABOUT HIS FINGERS TOUCH ME GENTLY ? LAY BESIDE HIM AND HEAR HIS BEAT POUNDING. I NEVER FORGET HOW HE LOVE ME THROUGH DAY AND NIGHT. THE WAY HE KISS ME THAT DEEP AND LONG. HOW CAN I AM NOT MISS HIM ? HOW CAN HE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SO INTIMATE EVEN MY VERY PERSONAL THINGS ? HIS WORDS MAKE ME FLY THAT HIGH WITH HIS WORDS TOO MAKE ME BREAK DOWN.
MY DREAM, YOU KNOW WHAT KHANSA DID THIS LUNCH ? SHE SAID YOUR NAME WHEN SAW YOUR PICTURE. I DIDNT KNOW SHOULD I CRY OR SMILE IN FRONT OF HER. I JUST SAID ; THATS RITE, YES IT WAS HIS NAME. I WALKED THROUGH KITCHEN AND CRIED THERE. THE HEART FELT SO HEAVY THAT TIME. IN HEART SAID IF I CANT THROUGH THIS LIFE, ANYMORE, PLEASE MAKE KHANSA AND MY DREAM ALWAYS IN ALLAH BLESS. 

KHANSA STAY TO SLEEP AFTER DID INHALATION. I AM TIRED. MY THROAT STILL PAIN TO EAT. THE BODY FEELS NOT WELL. THE SORE THROAT LAST WEEK GOT BETTER BUT WHEN KHANSA SICK, IT IS GETTING WORST. I HOPE MY DREAM JUST FINE, NOT SICK LIKE THIS. HOW HIS EAT ? I HOPE HE CAN EAT WELL. IS HE STILL WORK ? I HOPE HE NOT WORK TOO TIRED, ALWAYS CLEAN HIMSELF BEFORE SLEEP.  AND HOW HIS STUDY ? I HOPE EVERYTHING IS FINE. I REALLY HOPE HE NOT HAVE HARD BREATHING MATTERS AGAIN. AWAY FROM SOFT DRINK, FASTAT FOOD AND INSTANT FOOD. I HOPE HE HAS ENOUGH SLEEP AND REST. I HOPE HE IS FINE AND ALWAYS CAREFULLCAREFULLY WHEREVER HE GO. I DONT KNOW WHY STILL FUSSY ABOUT THOSE THINGS. DOES HE ALREADY IN GOOD HANDS TO TAKING CARE HIM, SO I SHOULDNT STILL HAVE ALL THE WORRIES.
AS IF HE BESIDES ME RITE NOW, I WILL ASK HIM TO HUG ME WHISPER TO HIM ; LETS MAKE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE REAL. I JUST STARTING TO CRY, DOES HE ALREADY ASK ME TO LEAVE HIM. 

LISTENING TO SARAH SARAH MCLACHLAN SONG ; 'ANGEL'. KHANSA JUST SLEEP BESIDES ME. HER SOUND AS LIKE AS A FROG. SHE STILL CANT BREATH WELL. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN SHE GETS FLU. I HAVE TO DO INHALATION FOR HER EACH 3 HOURS TO HELP HER BREATH EASILY. LAST SATURDAY I TRIED SOME NEW FOOD TO HER ; NOODLE, SAUSAGE AND CORN TOMATO SOUP. SHE SEEMED LIKE THAT FOOD EVEN IN VERY LITLE PORTION. SO HERE THE EFFECT NOW. SHE ALLERGIC WITH THOSE FOOD, MAYBE THE SAUSAGE CONTAINED EGG, AND SURELY THE NOODLE DID, AND THE SWEET CORN AND TOMATO... ABSOLUTELY THE MOST HINDER FOOD. ALLERGIC FOOD NOT HAVE TO HINDER WHOLE LIFE, SHE SHOULD TRY THEM BIT BY BIT.
MY SORE THROAT STAY SAME, PAIN TO EAT AND DRINK. BECAUSE I SO TIRED MUCH TAKING CARE KHANSA WHEN SHE SICK LIKE THIS. I REALY LOST APETITE. I REMEMBER WHEN I REALLY SICK LIKE THIS I ALWAYS AND ALWAYS ASK MY DREAM TO HUG ME. AGAIN AND AGAIN. I DONTDON'T KNOW WHY I AM STARTING TO CRY RITE NOW. I ALREADY TOO DEPENDENT TO HIM MUCH. HE IS SOMEONE THAT I ONLY HAVE AS MY MAN. WHEN HE WENT AWAY, I TRY TO SURVIVE. I AM ASKING MYSELF ; WHY I STILL BE THE SAME PERSON TO HIM, WHILE HIMSELF MAYBE ALREADY NOT THE SAME. I SUDDENLY REMEMBER WHAT MILA TELL ME ; WHY YOU STILL CRY, CARE, WORRY ABOUT HIM, HAVE YOU EVER WONDER, EVER THINK DOES HE DO SAME ? CRY, CARE, WORRY TO YOU ?. WHEN SHE SAY LIKE THAT, I JUST NOD DOWN MY FACE, I CRY AND MILA JUST HUG ME. I DONT KNOW HOW LONG SHE HUG ME UNTIL I STOP TO CRY THAT TIME. THIS HEART ALREADY TAKEN AWAY AND THE REST I FEEL EMPTY. THIS LOVE TOO MUCH DEEP. I AM NOT EASY PERSON TO SHARE ALL THE FEELINGS TO A PERSON, SINCE ELEMENTARY I USED TO WRITE FOR EVERYTHING WHICH CANT TALK AND SHOW UNTIL TODAY. I AM
GOING TO SLEEP. I WANT SAY WHICH I ALWAYS SAY TO MY DREAM ; MY DREAM, HUG ME.

STILL HAVE SORE THROAT, MY BODY TEMPERATURE SOMETIMES NORMAL AND SUDDENLY HIGH TO FEVER. THE ANTIBIOTICS WORKS USUALLY 3 TO 5 DAYS UNTIL BETTER. IT SOUNDS ... WHAT CAN I SAY ? kHANSA SUDDENLY GOT FLU. THIS MORNING SHE WOKE UP WITH RUNNY NOSE AND BIT COUGH. SHE ALWAYS WANT ME CARRY HER "BUNDA ... BUNDA ..." I KNOW HER BODY NOT FEEL WELL. I JUST THINK IF JUST I DIE THAT SOON, WHO WILL CARRY HER ASLIKE ME WHEN SHE SICK LIKE THIS ? I FEEL REALLY NOT WELL, JUST CAN SIT ON BED BESIDES HER WATCHING SHE IS SLEEPING. I SLEEP BIT AND WAKE UP FEW TIMES BECAUSE SHE CRIES. CARRY HER WITH THAT WEIGHT MAKE THE BODY FEEL WORST AND THE FEET SWOLLEN. SLEEP LONGER THIS HOURS KHANSA, BUNDA JUST TAKE MEDICINE  WHICH MAKE SLEEPY. BUNDA WANT TO SLEEP TOO. CARESS HER HAIR AND SEND MANY PRAY FOR HER.

3.25 AM, I WAKE UP AND FEEL MY THROAT SO SORE. MY DREAM , STILL HUG ME. SO SORE.

2 AM AND ALWAYS WAKE UP IN THIS LATE. I DONT TAKE ALL CAKES OR COOKIES ORDER THIS WEEK BECAUSE I FEEL NOT TOO WELL TO HANDLE ALL, JUST FEW SELECTED ORDERS. AS IF MY DREAM BESIDES ME RITE NOW, HUG ME WHILE I AM SLEEPING WHEN I WAKE UP LIKE THIS I WANT TO CARESS HIS FACE, STARE HIS FACE THAT CLOSE, HEAR AND FEEL HIS BEAT, WHISPER TO HIM : YOU ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL PERSON I EVER MEET THEN I WILL PRETEND NOT TO WAKE UP UNTIL NEXT MORNING SO YOU WONT LET YOUR HUG GO FROM ME. 

TODAY KHANSA SAID SOMETHING WHICH TOUCHED MY HEART. "BUNDA, ARE YOU SICK ?" 2 YEARS OLD KID ASKED A QUESTION "NOT WELL. SO BE GOOD OK" I SAID. SUDDENLY SHE HUG ME TIGHT "I LOVE YOU BUNDA". I SMILED AND CRIED. AND I STARTED TO SING BARNEY SONG'S ; I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE ARE HAPPY FAMILY, WITH THE GREAT BIG HUG AND KISS FROM ME TO YOU, WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO. THEN  KHANSA FOLLOWED THE SONG.
MY DREAM, HER HEALTH IS GETTING BETTER SINCE I TAKE CARE HER. I RESIGNED FROM MY DREAM WORK AND MY DREAM COMPANY BECAUSE HER HEALTH SO MUCH NEED CONCERN. SHE IS NOT ASLIKE THE OTHER KIDS. SHE HAS ALLERGIC PROBLEMS WHICH MAKE HER HAS UPPER BREATHING MATTERS. BUT NOW, SO FAR SHE SHOWS SO MUCH BETTER PROGRESS. SHE STILL ASK QUEATIONS ABOUT YOU IN ALWAYS THE SAME PHOTO IN MY PHONE PHOTO ALBUM. SHE JUST OPEN AND SCROLL THEN TAP HERE THERE. MY DREAM, IF I CAN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THIS LIFE ANYMORE, IF YOU JUST ABLE I WANT YOU MEET HER. TELL HER YOU ARE THE PERSON IN THAT PICTURE. TELL HER HOW WE MEET AND HOW WE ARE. TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER. 
WHY I AM CRYING NOW ? WHY TEARS SUDDENLY ? I AM GOING TO SLEEP. HUG, TAKE CARE MY DREAM.

2.18 AM. SUDDENLY WAKE UP. CONSIDERING TO TAKE MEDICINE. DIZZY, THE BODY TEMPERATURE IS GOING WARM, SORE THROAT MAKING MY VOICE SLOWLY LOST AND ALL THE BODY FEEL PAIN, MY DREAM, CAN YOU JUST HUG ME ? I FEEL NOT GOOD. I AM FEELING COLD. I JUST WENT DOWNSTAIR AND TOOK MEDICINE. IN FEW MINS WILL MAKE ME SLEEP AGAIN. PLEASE STAY HUG ME EVEN I SLEEP.

4 AM, SUDDENLY WAKE UP. ALL THE BODY FEEL PAIN. THROAT FEELS SO THROAT. SO COLD. WHAT HAPPEN WITH THIS BODY NOW ?

4 AM, SUDDENLY WAKE UP. ALL THE BODY FEEL PAIN. THROAT FEELS SO THROAT. SO COLD. WHAT HAPPEN WITH THIS BODY NOW ?

TOMORROW WILL BE MONDAY. I STILL REMEMBERED ON MONDAY AND THURSDAY I MUST TO WEAR UNIFORM TO OFFICE. THE WHITE FOR TOP AND DARK BLUE. I STARTED MY WORK IN PERTAMINA AS RECOMMENDATION LETTER FROM THE UNIVERSITY. THE CAREER RUN SO WELL AND SMOOTH FOR 8 YEARS. I LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND. SOMEHOW I MISS MY WORK.

MY DREAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TIME ? I JUST PERFORMED TAHAJUD, I FEEL DIZZY MAYBE I GET FLU AGAIN. YOU KNOW WHAT IN MY MIND THIS TIME. YOU LOVE ME. IN MIND REMEMBERING HOW YOU LOVE ME. I SUDDENLY CRYING. WITH THAT WAY I FEEL SO CLOSE AND FEEL YOU. FOR LAST ALMOST 7 YEARS WITH YOU EACH NIGHT I CRY OF YOU. DONT YOU WANT FIND HAPPINESS EVEN NOT WITH ME ? INSHALLAH YOU WILL. YOU WILL BE IN RIGHT HANDS. SOON YOU WONT FIND THE LONELY NIGHT. SOMEONE WILL BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT, TAKING CARE OF YOU IN GOOD, LOVING YOU ALL HEART, TOGETHER IN GOOD AND BAD LIFE, SUPPORT YOU WHEN YOU SAD AND DOWN, GIVING YOU WARM AND CALMNESS, YOU NEVER FEEL ALONE AGAIN, YOU WILL FIND WHAT IS REALY YOUR MINE. THAT TIME WILL COME.
IN FAR, YOUR ANGEL WILL ALWAYS PRAY FOR GOOD. LIFE AND LIVE WITH MEMORIES HAD LEFT AND KEPT. THROUGH EACH NIGHT WITH WONDER, DREAM, AND TEARS. LONGING FOR SOMETHING WHICH HARD BE TRUE ... TOO GOOD AND BEAUTIFUL BE REAL. STARE THE SKY HOW FAR THE SPACE. 
I GIVE MY ALL FOR MY DREAM, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. HEART, RISK, BODY AND SOUL. HE IS SOMEONE AS MY HOLDING IN FACING MY HARD LIFE. WHEN HE WENT AWAY SOMEHOW I LOST MY WAY.

Failed

I PREFER TO SLEEP. I JUST FAILED MAKING SWISS ROLL CAKE TONIGHT. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IS THE MISTAKEN STEP. HAVE NO PASSION TO REMAKE. FEEL UPSET, REALLY.
GOOD NIGHT. I AM GOING TO SLEEP. AS IF MY DREAM BESIDES ME RITE NOW, HE ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO LESS THE UPSET.

He Came In My Sleeping

2.16 am, I just wake up and directly posted my wrote here. I wrote here seemed i talked to to him. Whenever i dream about him, i used to tell him directly. By text, phone, mail, or chat. And today everything changes. I wrote as like as i talked to him. 

My dream, you came again. I dreamed about you. You know what you did ? you kissed me. I tied your fingers into mine. I stared your eyes and you just kissed me again. I could feel it, i suddenly wake up. I smiled and cried in same time. My dream, i cant say much rite now. I am writing and the tears just running down. I hope you are fine. I am missing you, body and soul. Sometimes i think why i still be the same person for you ? while yourself maybe not same again. I have so many dreams, hopes, wishes and pray for us. Maybe i am not kind a person who can describe anything with words. So grateful i have ability to write. I still alive, i keep moving to live, and i am through each day to survive. Seemed like i could see your eyes in that dreamed. You know what you said in that dreamed ? "My angel, i am your copy cat"

I just finished baking marble cake for ordered. Actually this cake is the old cake, the cake itself as like as pound cake but has the pattern on top and inside.

Yesterday, had brownies ordered. Have crispy almond for the topping.

Cheese straw pastry. Patience, concern and patience again until get this.

Rolling, rolling and rolling then filling it with fruit jam, or butter cream or cheese.

Baking is the hobby and becoming my escape.

I JUST FINISED MAKING CAKE ORDERED, BROWNIES. I ALWAYS LIKE MAKING BROWNIES. SIMPLE, EASY INGREDIENTS, FAST PROCESS AND BAKE, THEN THE SMELL OF CHOC WHILE IN THE OVEN SO TEMPTING.
ANYWAY, MY PERIOD ALREADY STARTED FROM THREE DAYS AGO BUT MY TUMMY STILL PAIN. MY SHOULDER, BACK AND WRIST SEEMS HOLD HEAVY THINGS AND TWIST. THE BLEEDING AS USUAL SO MANY WHICH MAKE ME FEEL WEAK, THAT'S WHY I USED TO TAKE PILS FOR ANEMIA. SO LUCKY FOR THE GIRLS AND WOMEN IN THIS WORLD WHOSE NOT HAVE TOO MUCH PAIN IN THEIR PERIOD.
I AM GOING TO SLEEP, IN MY HUG THERE IS A BEAR WHICH MY DREAM GAVE ME. EVEN THE BEAR NOT AS WARM AS MY DREAM HUG. I AM SHY TO THIS BEAR, USED TO CRY ASLIKE A KID WHEN I AM SICK. AND LUCKY IS, THIS BEAR CANT TALK SO ALL THE SECRET ARE KEEPING IN GOOD.

"IS ENOUGH" I WHISPERED. I JUST READ MY DREAM'S LAST EMAIL WHICH HE SENT ME. HE JUST DID AND SAID THAT AGAIN ; MY ANGEL PLEASE LEAVE ME NOW YOU SHOULD DO THAT FOR ME. SO REMEMBERED FEW WEEKS AGO YOU JUST SAID TO ME ; I NEVER WANT TO HURT YOU AGAIN. "IS ENOUGH" I WHISPERED AGAIN. I CRIED. I FEEL HURT, PAIN, BREAK, DOWN BUT I WILL DO WHAT HE ASKED, FOR HIM. CAN I BE ANGRY ? GET MAD ? FEEL HATE ? TO MY DREAM. IN LOGIC AS A HUMAN, AS A WOMAN I DESERVE TO FEEL THEM ALL. BUT ... CAN'T ... I NEVER CAN'T.  THIS HEART AND LOVE ARE TOO MUCH BIG. WITH WRITING AND CRYING SOMEHOW HEAL MYSELF.

I CANT SLEEP, I CANT SLEEP, I CANT SLEEP, I REALLY CANT SLEEP. MY HEAD SO ACHE SO PAIN, VERY ... TO MUCH. I JUST CRIED ON MY PILLOW. MY BODY TEMPERATURE SLOWLY GETTING HIGH, I FEEL SO COLD. THE MEDICINE NOT MAKE ME SLEEPY YET. MY DREAM, PLEASE MASSAGE MY HEAD, I AM SO HEADACHE. I WANT TO SLEEP.