My dream, is it much if I ask you to hug me through night this time ? I feel so pain. My head and stomach, the fever makes me hard to sleep. I have been trying to close this eyes but hardly to sleep. Whispering your name. My dream, I cant take this pain. My dream, is it much to ask you to still hug me until I sleep ? My dream ... my dream ... my dream ...

silent hill

1.32 am, indonesia - jakarta. This what I always do after cake baking. Spend some times for sitting, writing blog, reading books or just watching late show on cable tv. I dont realize I just cried. Wondering my dream in front of me. I could tell him everything. That time, I used talked him ... a lot ... many things. He always texted me that he already home and was online. I woke up from bed, with pajama, messy hair and online. We talked many things. I never see him ... never ... in mess. He always good looking even at midnight to dawn even morning. His hair, clothes and faces always so ... great. So different with me who always mess, off course ... I just wake up and directly shared cam to him. I spent many nights with him. I spent my life with him. So please tell me ... how can I not miss my dream. I just have him to talk. To him I cant hide even bit. I just have him to share all the sad, worries, happiness even anger and disappointed. He is all I have. Allah sets our born in such far ... but I believe there must be reasons. He is all the words which unspoken. He is everything I need.

I want to caress my dream face and say "dont you worry, its all life called. Life is up and down as rollercoaster. My pray with you and I always with you" Hug him softly and caress his back. With no words I want he feels calm, safe and carefree in mine.
Dont he say he need me, so here I am for. I am missing talk to him. I am missing his laugh. I just miss my dream, a lot.

"Bunda ... so pain !!!!" many many times khansa cried loudly at me. And I just "stttsss ... dont cry. Bunda is here, nothing is pain" I held her hands, carried her or just caress her back. She got 4 times injections and 5 days infused. It was the 4th time khansa hospitalized for last 5 years in her ages. Honestly, I just want to cry whenever she said that pain but I didn't. I want to show her how to be strong, brave and patience in condition like that.
Actually I couldn't find any difference between me and my daughter when we were sick. She always calls my name many times until she fall asleep then me .... I always call my dream.
She never prepare herself to loose me, because she knows I never leave her. Then myself ... I never prepare to loose my dream even I never know will my dream leave me or no.
In corner of the alley where khansa inward in hospital there was babies room. I was so often went there, looked them through glasses window. I smiled and cried looking at them. My mind jumped to long a go when my dream always asked kids from me. And I always said, if I were able in my condition I will do it for you. In fact in my health conditions having a baby is too risky. The ratio is 30:70 means; 70% the baby is alive and myself only 30%.
Love sometimes illogic in brain but logic through heart. Love can bring us one purpose to survive. It can be so sweet aslike sugar and can be so bitter aslike acid. I have through it ... the bittersweet of love and live with my dream.

I had been thousand miles away from my dream for last 8 years. Sometimes Its not matter, sometimes its matter. Especially when I am in conditions as like as this ... it becomes matters. In his hug I could cry, less all the tiring, sickness and worried. I am not always powerpuff girl, sometimes I could be so down. My dream, just hug me.

My dream, hug me. My temperature so high, so headache, so sore throat so not well. Khansa ... also sick. We are sick. My dream ... hug me. So not well ... hug me. So pain my dream.