Dreaming

I Slept earlier tonight, along with Khansa. Hug her back, smelled her hair, and sang the que sera sera song until she fall asleep. I dreamed about him, My Dream. He stared at me and said "I am sorry My Angel" but i didn't say anything, i just stared his eyes and cried. He said again "I am sorry". I kept silent and cried. After all, i wake up. The heart beat so fast. Looked around and found nothing. Felt the tears were dripped on my check. No one could i share what i just dreamed. In here, i am writing this post with all the feelings inside.

The mind is spring free. Looked to mirror, how change i am right now. I fall down and wake up face life must through. The body feels so tired, the arms and the thighs leave with bruise because of Heparyn Injection. I have to keep alive for Khansa, she needs me the most. She is not as like as the others kid. Her allergic and her sensitivity for upper breathing need more concern than my condition rite now. I have to make her tough in early age. When i am no longer beside her, she will be ready. When the body itself  feels enough, mean the time for me will come and i am not afraid. 

Let The Magic Work

1.21 AM midnight and still awake. Tidy up the bags on wardrobe. I found a piece of small paper inside my Anya Hindmarch tote bag. I sit on floor touched the picture and stared it. I remembered why i keep this picture on bag. On Oprah Winfrey Show that time it was discussed about granted the wish, dream and hope. "Keep and write on small of paper, let the magic work" It was Oprah said. So i printed my Instagram picture, cut and kept it in my favorite bag. 

I told him, my dream, it was my dream house. "I don't need a big and luxury house. I want a house as like as this. Lighting with warm lamp. Wood, i like a house made in with wood. I like beach, see the sunrise and sunset. Hearing the wave, feel the sands, the wind too". I remain what he said that time "I will make it true". 

Closed my eyes and cried. Caressed the tears which dripped slowly. I am not a dreamer, but since find you, i have so much dreams. Seems like i believe the fairy tale on story book children. I fold the paper and put inside the bag again, let the magic work itself. I whispered slowly "This is my dream house, my dream"

A Dismiss Note

4.23 am here and i just start to sleep after baked X-Mas cookies ordered. X-Mas just passed yesterday but hard to believe cookies ordered still on and on. I am a Moslem but i always like X-Mas. This dawn so nearly morning, i can hear adzan is calling all the Moslem to perform Subuh Prayer. About 30 minutes ago i had performed Tahajud as usual, i always find calmness in heart after all. 

This dawn feel so cold. I can hear the chicken are singing and the birds are tweeting. He, my dream, came in mind, after i found the note on my phone which title "Plan for December". Surely i remembered when i wrote that, when he said had planned to come this December. There were only 3 items on the notes. 1. The Hotel, 2. The Dinner, and 3. The Love. I stared and caressed the tears, slowly sent it to box icon which mean dismiss.

Remain The Sweet Words

4 am here and still wake up. This is my way, to free my mind from a person who i called 'My Dream'. I keep busy since midnight until dawn, just to free my mind. Kitchen is my escape. I learn how to make new recipe, puff, pastry until bakery just for free my mind. Because this time i always and used to talk with my dream until wait my dream finish the work out there. 

"What your heart says ? tell me, just both of us know it. Please tell me" this is your way to let myself that brave so ... much ... brave say love to you. "So please, please ... please say it. Don't hide it. You should say it every time to me" I so remember you always say so. Then now, yourself cant stand hear it from me.

"Please my dream, you make me used with your sweet words. You spoil me too much. I am afraid one day you can't be able to say that to me again" I said so. Then what you say " No, you wont loose them"

"I can call you 10 times even more each day" you said so. Then now what ... you had told me "Leave me alone rite now, please don't send any mail, any text, any call and don't do anything for me because i wont reply each of them" that words breaking me so deep. Too much deep ... so in pieces. Don't ever dare wonder how i feel ... because you never can. Don't ever dare to wonder how i cry ... because you never can. I feel like a trash ... dirty ... 

"My dream, you make me so spoil at you. You make me so depend on you so much. I wont be like that" I said so then what you said to me "That's good, because i want you in like that". Oh Ya Allah ... it gives me so much. 

"Don't ever think even try to leave me, or i will kill my self" You said so. Not once, not twice but many times at me. And now ... what just happen ?. 

If just i can let myself hate this person, but i never can. What i have for my dream is too much bigger than hate.

Burnt

I am sorry, i never can leave this page.

I am here, you are there. The heart already choose you in every step.

As usual i wake up at dawn, walked through to my daughter room. I kissed the small bear which my dream gave me. I just said "I miss you" seemed like someone whispered that to me. Caressed the bears eyes, think maybe the bear cried as like me that time.

I burnt the letters and cards, too afraid i still have hope, hope that much to meet my dream, to see my dream, which maybe hard very hard so hard to real. Whenever read each his words, his written seemed like someone whispered to me "My Angel". I still keep all the things from my dream. Each tiny things.

The half heart key ring always put under the box, until the end it will tell me how it starts.

Silent Hill

I am seeing him sleeping on bed with effortless. My husband. I just took him to doctor, drove in heavy rain and windy surely the road too slippery for the tires. High blood pressure, sore throat, heavy flu, fever and make his heart beats faster than normal. My husband passed cathetrization heart operation in 2011. Next year, 2014 inshaallah he will do nerves operation which located on both of his molar teeth. I am sure he always can pass.

I never blame about his work in governmental area of Ministry of finance in Tax Directorate. There always be target to tax paid. It surely happened in all public sector. I was in Pertamina, the oil and gas company, for 8 years. I really so much understand about the target, the rules, the bureaucracy, the analysis and many out of box cases and unspoken things inside. I remembered the last time he told me about his target, 4 billion in Rupiahs for tax income. Definitely not small amount of money to reach and he just final it not for last this December. 

I remembered about 3 years ago. When he and his parents suddenly came to my house, asked me to be his wife and his family set everything as like a juggle play the balls in circus. I WAS IN SILENT HILL. I saw my mom beg her to say something but she didn't. I saw to my dad but he never see me. He was so much know, very know that marry never been priority on my life list. He found his way to having me as his wife, TRAP ME IN BOTH FAMILIES. At last he said to me, "You are out of my mind, where every girl in this world who had been dated for almost 8 years, you know how long is that ... inside usually have want and need about marry but you never and never say even bit about marry". Inside my heart said, i already seen my parents marry life that make me think over and over about marry. He never knows that, the only one person who knows about my parents is my dream. I told him, as like the most trust person in this world. I remembered what i said to him that night "I lied to you about my family. My parents fight in many times and almost divorce". 

So much remembered on my Nikha, i saw my mom and my grandma, they smiled while in this heart say run run run run run. Closed my eyes, cried, nod down in this heart said "Please ... come ... please ... take me .... safe me. I am not want this". I paused in quite long when everyone waits me to sign Nikha book which was mean, this married already legal in Islam and Country. The hands trembled, the head spinned and again run run run run run whispered. I never seen my mom smiled that bright as like that day, so did my grandma. The two persons who the most worth for me. How can i run, how can i ruin all of these. Everything already set. 

I already in Silent Hill, tonight remembered all bring me to Silent Hill again.

Sent from : http://www.ryzafebriastyandkhansaamaira.blogspot.com/2013/12/silent-hill.html

New Blog

Thank you for all the readers for the mails. Because of you all, with less brave i have i am starting writing again. This page i dedicate for my dream. I wont ruin this page.

Please visit my new blog on : www.ryzafebriastyandkhansaamaira.blogspot.com with the title "Khansa Is My Hero". The journey just begin.

Once again, thank you for all the mails to ask me keep writing. I really have no idea that i have many readers who read my written.

i am no longer write this blog. a person as my dream already gone. this blog is for my dream.

My heart says ; take me, i want to be with you. With all strength you have, read and listen this heart.

Dearest,




Very first time I talk openly here. I have no one to share
except my written.




I fell in love with him since the first time I talked to him
in written. I even don't
know his look that time. I fell in love with his words each alphabet
written on screen how he made me smile, he never knows because I never
tell him.




The first time saw him on screen, my heart beat fast as like I
never meet a guy before. He
never knows because I never tell him.




I fall in love in very first time. Love at first words, love at
first sight.




I keep in and just keep it for me. Doubt all the feeling, bias
between real or dream. At last
he is my dream.




One day, I was so delight as like an ice cream when he told me
he would come to KL,MY. That time
I planned to tell everything what I feel, that time I wanted my self be
brave to say 'please take me because I don't know what future come'.




He didn't come, I am sure understand KL,MY not his priority, UK
is always his chosen. I
said to myself maybe Allah gave me a sign to realize that not the way for
us. He never knows because I never tell him.




That day was my marriage. I wanted him to come just for taking
my hands and saying 'is
fine you are safe with me'. He never knows because I never tell him.




That was my first night, cried a lot on my pillow. My heart
whispered his name and said I am
sorry for billion times. In life I felt as
like a bitch.




That day when he suddenly find a girl who still that close
family relation I just feel
that close family related not too good then what I feel just rite. Your
life crashed as like ship sink in ocean. I still remember what
he said that time "I am sorry but I really love her".




First time I won't take part in it, won't involve between them.
But see him in worst as like pieces, slowly I take his hands to be with me for through life
as hell as he tell me. I want see his smile, I want hear his laugh, again
as like before. His mother and I need him to be a real man. Then
I realize, this love is never end from beginning.




I asked him many times to send me his hand written. I still touch the words each
by each. Allah knows how these two persons so much in love, Allah knows
how they are suffering, Allah knows what they through, Allah knows how
they depend each other.




One day he said directly want life just end. It changed me
into someone. I lost a
person as my holding, I lost a person as my man, I lost a person to be my
place, I lost a person whom I know giving me courage.




I am thinking so deep and much. Lost appetite. My head just
like spinning. I seem lost
my passion. All I do each night just wait for some words. All I do seems
waiting to take me back. I am down, break and buried.




I never know how bad I am until I write this. Loving him with
all heart I have. It won't
gone by time. It won't gone by miles away.




So lucky they are who can spend their life's n times with theirs
love. When feeling that
close to him is when I am dreaming him, when I close my eyes then
wondering him. He looks so perfect in my eyes.




If tomorrow never come, I won't miss to say; I love you my dream. I always do your
proposal for each ask. Heart, soul and body. Own me top to toe. I am not good but with you I feel special. Love
and hurt have thin line and we live in that line.




I am waiting a
real angel taking me away. Imagining how it feels sleep that long.

Dear my love, 

I am missing u.

I lost my words to describe all the feeling. I remember all the sweet 
words and all of those just killing me. I am looking my angel who is my 
called. Trying to still believe when it said can't pass each day 
without me.

Should I still believe all those saying. Should I still believe all 
the feeling. What I am for now, it just break me indeed. 

This love so painful. I feel empty n alone. Really 
can't see you like this.

The tears just drip each night. Remember all which had been through. 
I feel like a house, that big that full of things that so longing and waiting for the owner to come. It can sell, renovate and break them all.

When everything just gone. Thank you for coming. You already the 
color, the spirit, the man, the pulse, the reason, the passion, the 
shoulder, the everything, the soul, the love n the dream.

How should I believe when you said : how the days without you.

Take all the time you need, take everything you need. You had done this 
before and you just did again. 

Dear my love,

12.41 am here in Indonesia time. Suddenly wake up and silent, feel lonely and empty. Wondering all the feeling if just u were here beside me. How the touch, how the kiss, how the caress, how the hug, how the cuddle n how the love itself.

I must be the most ego person in this world, but I am a human who has nature who want to feel love.

I don't get it why tears just running down when remain you, feeling how hard my life is.

When you are gone, what is left for me the memories which keep. The person who loves me that much and myself who loves you with whole heart.

No one knows how tear my heart so far, passing each night in crying. Hidden the drip from all. Even yourself can't believe it.

I love you.

When one of a bunch just gone, it's still call 'a family'.

There is no eternal, even love it self may gone coz of many causes.

I have beautiful kid timing, I have everything so do my brothers. When we grow up ... we search where it gone.

How I believe the meaning of marriage, how I understand the meaning of family then how I have to accept of lost.

I am looking a place to go, where no one knows about me. Where I don't need to hide for everything I through.

Broken inside, crush n crack deeper, smiling n bright on cover. Which I have n show for many years. How to keep n move living like this.

I still have to keep going for the rest effort I have. Everyone has dream, but maybe me my self who doesn't have dream. Everyone wants n needs but maybe myself ruin what I want n need.

I am not mistake being born, but I feel regret how can I live til this long. Desperate is really not me but could be depression is not what I want.