31 years Old

2.04 am and just performed Tahajaud. Tears were running down slowly while sent pray and wish for myself. Allah still gives me chance having birthday this year, for next years i really don't know. The first year i celebrate without him, my dream, besides me. Heart is pounding in slow, remain what i had many years' birthday with him. He always be the first person says and wishes "Happy Birthday". His eyes, his smiles and his face are coming in mind. I am writing here with all the feelings. Thank you for coming into my life, for yesterday, today and tomorrow. You always be. Khansa suddenly wake up and sit besides me, she is saying "Bunda ..." then lay her head on my lap. Closing my eyes, feeling the tears. The love, the heart and the memories we had.

The Moon, The Star and The Sun

4.04 am and still waiting the cookies are baking in the oven, as usual for the order. Currency rate lately became my concern, cookies which i made depend with import ingredients. I always using Wysjman Butter from Holland, Elle & Vire from France and Edam Cheese Gold Chicken Cock Brand From Holland. I love the smell cookies in the oven, the house always smell butter, cheese and vanilla. Actually, i love baking since kid. I always see my grandma making them and me always there help her. I start having order cookies and cakes since in the collage. I used not sleep for a day when the order are in waiting list. Having cookies and cakes store which being my own name becoming my wish since long. Maybe i have to make it true before i am no longer alive. I run with the time. I take baking course to help me to bake vary any model of cookies and cakes. 

Before, baking is only my hobby, but since last December 2013 it also became my escape. Since that time, whenever i think about him, my dream. I always go down stair to the kitchen and do baking. Cookies, cakes, pastry, bread and chocolate mold. I do trial and error, until i find rite one. And go along with time, i cant let it go from baking. It already my escape.

In fact, how busy my fingers and concern my mind to the instruction, my dream is never go from me. He always in me. Sometimes i smile when remain his joke and tease and sometimes drip tears when remain the broken times. How he be the moon, the star and the sun ? he always be in me whenever day and night. That's why he become the sun at day, the moon and the star at night. They rotate to earth as the center. Even the length time for each differ but at sky there always be moon, star and sun bright the earth.

4.18 am and just finished baking cookies for order. If i have to sleep rite now, maybe i never wake up again at 5 am. So i consider to write here than sleep. 

This noon, i was tidy up my daughter room. I stared to red box which before it was valentine gift from my dream. Dozen red roses directly to my seat at the office. Everyone stared at me that time and seriously i surprised. I smiled and really i dripped the tears at same time. Why roses, why not you just come in front of me. I am formally not celebrate valentine day. For me, for my love one is always be valentine day. I touched the box. So remembered how looked the roses ; red, big, dozen, the ribbon and the card which wrote "I love you so much". So remembered i called The Petals to make sure who sent this roses. It was from you. No name for sure but i just know it was from you. Sent text to him informed that i already received the roses, he just said "Would you be my valentine, for today and the other next years ?", i just said "I do my dream" He never know that i cried that time. After i know the other valentine gift came to me. The pearls from Marks&Spencer. The necklace and the earrings. I am not yet wear them until today. I keep them in box. I just touch, remain and all the beautiful memories come.

Kissed the bears and caressed its eyes, "You gave me so many memories to remain, when i am no longer to stand for alive everything is just with me" realized how the tears just run down slowly. My dream is perfect for me.  

YOUR VOICE WERE CALMED ME DOWN. ON THE LINE. HEART WHISPERED ALL THE FEELING. I AM SITTING ON FLOOR RITE ON THE CORNER FROM BED. "MISSING YOU MY DREAM. REALLY ... PLEASE TAKE CARE, BE CAREFUL AND DON'T BE SICK"

I am missing him ... my dream

Really ... I am 30

Today is the last day for cake making in baking course. The class was fun, we were all in seven. There was only a man in class and the rest were girls. Introducing day always be on first day. "I am Ryza, baking is my hobby and escape. The motivation take part in this course to give me more knowledge how making cakes in rite technique. A mother of 2 years old daughter, 30 years old". The class and the instructor saw me. "Really you are 30 and a mother ?" the instructor was a girl. "I am. Really" she just smiled "I really thought you just a freshman or maybe around 25" then one of a girl in class said "Her body really as like a teenager" and the rest of class just laugh, including me.

First day we made brownies, pandan chiffon cake, marmer pound cake and sponge blackforest. The second day we made surabaya layer butter cake, swiss roll and decorate blackforest. The third day we had the theory and practice test. I graduated in not too bad score. Again one of a girl in class asked me "Really 30 ?" i smiled "I really am, i was born in 1983". She asked again "How come looked that younger ?" i really confuse to answer so i just said "Maybe because i still act like a kid".

The blackforest cake, after i made and decorated it, i stared that cake so remembered my dream had told me at once he liked that cake. I almost dripped the tears. Heart is never lie. "Is for you my dream, maybe one day you can taste it". After the class ended on the second day-course, i sent him the blackforest cake picture which i made. The eyes were glassed hold not dripped the tears. 

Heart Attack

3.00 am tonight. I just finished to make choux vanilla pastry for order. Making kind of this pastry really need patience and concern. The result at the end will be so wordless. I can't wait for  next Tuesday to Thursday, i will take part for baking course again. This time i will take cake baking ; blackforest, brownies, sugar butter method, Swiss roll and layer butter cake. Baking really my escape, kitchen is always be the place. 

My dream called me this morning. Really just woke up and went down stair to take drink. Planned to mail him and the call just came. My fingers trembled to realize how come the connection so real. Heard his voice, knew he was fine, something which make me so relieved and glad. Wondered his face and looked. Realized how i miss him that much. Words can't describe how that much. So I just said it "My dream, I miss you. Miss you that much. Don't know is it rite or not. Just want to say I miss my dream". This person gives me so many heart attack. Everything is just surprised me, i am wordless about him. He is so something.

When i am no longer in this life, please still be good. I believe you will. The sun, the moon and the star.

Best In Me

Look what i just find on my YouTube playlist on Iphone, Best In Me from BLUE. OK, I am being honest here. I am not fans too much to this boyband. I never scream that loud as like as other girls who fond to death to boyband, screaming their names, screaming while their sing and fussy about their bodies and especially their good looking. But i really know ... know so much who like this band. My dream. I got this this official video on YouTube from him, so that's why i keep on my Iphone YouTube playlist.

I am listening now, singing, smiling, and remaining all beautiful memories with him, My dream. You bring out the best in me.

From the moment I met you I just knew you'd be mine. You touched my hand. And I knew that this was gonna be our time. I don't ever want to lose this feeling. I don't want to spend a moment apart. 'Cause you bring out the best in me, like no-one else can do. That's why I'm by your side, (and that's why I love you). Every day that I'm here with you. I know that it feels right. And I've just got to be near you every day and every night. And you know that we belong together. It just had to be you and me

It's Been A Long Day

It's been a long day. This night i just back from Dharmais Hospital for injection on my back bone for blood cell sample. Long way and hours for through. They were right, it was pain, tired and make me sleepy all day. I felt again laid on white sheet which so cold on to my skin. The last time i laid as like this was i had cesarean section operation on maternity. The pain killer still effect on me until this midnight. My doctor asked me "Any you want do while i am doing this ?" from wrist to toe i felt nothing - unconscious while from head to chest all my sense still work. "Yes sure, hear a song" I let my ITunes played 'can't remember to forget you from Shakira feat Rihanna', the newest song from Shakira. Well ... i like Shakira, how she sings, dances, and the lyrics. I forget how many times the songs turned again and again. I just closed the eyes, heard the song, and relaxed. 

I remembered while i am sleeping on bed tonight at home, Khansa suddenly woke up and called me "Bunda ... Bunda ... Bunda ..." cried that loud but i still stayed sleep. Maybe she thought i never woke up again. The pain killer still effect on me. I really sleep as like a dead body. I forgot how many times she called me until i woke up after Khansa torn my hair. I hug her softly "Bunda is here Khansa" and let her sleep inside my hug. Ya Allah, will she cried as like this ... that loud ... if just tonight i never wake up again ? 

Khansa, having you since in my stomach was the risk. Risk for myself and yourself too. Look now, we had been through for crazy 9 months rite. Each day - for 9 months period Bunda got heparyn injection on arms and thighs ... bruise ... just fine for me as long as you still alive inside. You were a brave a baby girl since beginning. Inshaallah, we can through all of this. "Bunda is with you Khansa". Actually, before Khansa i already had a baby who about 3 weeks ages. I got miscarriage because of my DDimer. The baby can't stay alive ... the baby can't absorb any food from me. I will see that baby later, when i am not in this life anymore. I will see how it looks. Is the baby a girl or boy ? the baby is waiting me. 

Few days ago, Alin came to my dream. Something she wanted to tell me, but in the dreamt she just silent. I am sorry Alin, i don't know where your family burried you. Which graveyard in this Jakarta. But i always pray for good for you there. And please ... you can come to my dream but please ... in beautiful shape. I am not ready enough to see you in another shape. We don't have much time to know each other as friend. Knowing you on patient waiting room in hospital is great moment. 

2.15 am, will back to sleep. Let other dreams come to me. Just wish he, my dream, come in solitude tonight. Feel the hug and the warm. Good night.

Blocked Caller

I received his called this morning, my dream. There was no number so i thought it was emergency call or somewhat. Heavy raining and always be on the kitchen. Just prepared for Khansa breakfast. I heard his voice. I talked short and long in turned. My voice felt stuck in my throat, holding to cry. What i just remained just his eyes stared me. As if it happened in real, he was in front me, i would be sure i couldn't say anything besides cried. Longing his hands to hug me and cry inside his hug. I already too much suffered for everything until words hard to describe. All i am longing since the first time is meet my dream. See and feel his presence.

"She is a nice girl, she is taking care my parents in good, my mother likes her, she is from good family" I am glad if she is kind of person. A mother will find a good one for her lovely son. My dream is the apple of eyes of his mother, i just know that even he not tell me. If i was with you who will guarantee his mother will like me ? who will guarantee i can taking care in good his parents and brothers ? and i think i am not from a good family ... my parents ... separate. 

"I come to you blog daily, you know that ?" honestly i just guess who visit to my blog. I have the report of the visitor from site. Maybe it was you or could be another somewhere which i don't know. If this from Pakistan usually from Karachi or Islamabad, i guess one in million it can be my dream or another. If this from UK usually from Leeds or London and again i guess one in million it can be my dream or another. Each i write here, i just feel as like as talk to him. Since he went away, i post more than in past. In used to text, mail and chat then today with this written i can tell all the feelings. 

This week i will do have injection of my narrow back bone. Sample of my white blood cell. I heard it will be pain. That is why i will have pain killer for maybe 2 to 3 hours long to make me stay sleep. The other patients who had done this stage were said it pain and after all would feel tired and sleepy. The medicine i have so far maybe adjust to my body, i have so much hair loss. I plan to cut so short but i think how long i will have this hair again ? i always feel thirsty so i drink as like as a camel. My period take longer and much more bleeding than usual. I easy to feel queasy, headache and tired. My dream, i am not always be a puff girl. I am an ordinary girl and human too, having afraid is usual rite ? now i just afraid of that pain.

 "You still in my heart" you still in my heart too. All i know, you space still same in this heart. That big, that long, that wide, and that deep. This place already choose you. Faith and path are the future not ours to see. In Korean and Japanese drama always be love bring to end. I never imagine it may happen with me. As if i can say this "I miss my dream. I love my dream". I said it in heart and the drip the tears. Be someone who will i proud my dream. Finish your study, be success. Maybe i already in another life-dimension when you are someone and please don't be afraid if i come in another shape-dimension.

The Boy Next Door

3.05 am and just finish baking for cookies order. Look what i found on my terrace this morning. A ball. The white one. I was so sure it must be from my neighbor. They have a son of the age 3. His name is Eureka Prischa. Khansa, my daughter, always play with him everyday. Just for ride a bike, play the tool mat, run everywhere and talk something which sometimes i really don't know the meaning. I just said it kid talked from planet language. Every morning i always find a ball on my terrace, Eureka so love much to throw it cross my house. So what Khansa and I do every afternoon are giving back the ball to him. His father just smile and laugh then say to me "Miss, it Eureka way to attract Khansa. The ball just a reason so that Eureka can play and see Khansa everyday". What a kid, i just grin so wide hear that. I have a daughter who only 2 years old, but can attract a 3 years old kid. It is really the bot next door. When just litle kid they will play without shame and shy at all but see later when they grow up, i think they will be shy to still that close. Oh Khansa ... hug ... Bunda Loves You