1.04 am and still raining outside. Still can't sleep even these eyes so tired. Just listened the song from The Corrs "One night". The song tells about a girl who gives her heart, love, body and soul even she just has one night for his love one and even she will know in morning her man won't be her side ... she will be alone. Actually it really very old song. One of my favorite. Then my mind just go through to him, my dream. Always pray for good for him. What else he worry about ? he already graduate, reach his dream, and the job ... he will find a good one soon, marry ... ? will held soon with the perfect one off course. He might be happy already and no more much worry.
I just starting to cry. Is better for ending to write in this post. Meet you in another post, good night blog see you later.

Suddenly wake up this time, 2.31 am. He is on mind. What is he doing ? how is he ? where is he ? and so on. Maybe he never think as like as i am doing rite now. Maybe i never in his mind again. I just remind about this, the time he had said to me, "My angel, just say what your heart says". I always said "I am afraid" yes i am afraid to be in pieces at last because i never prepare be like that. What the afraid just be true at last. There always whisper for me to not going too far, but i always ignore them. I let my self love him that much, believe all the words, wish hope and dream many things with him. Eveytime i see the baby, my tears just fall because i dream to have one with him, even i know having the baby with my condition is risky. Everytime i drive somewhere and find a nice place, my tears just fall because i dream to go there with him. Everytime i go to Dharmais Hospital to do routine check up and treatment the tears just fall because worry and not find him with me. Already a year and i still be like this, this heart weary. Whenever my friends ask to meet somewhere, i always have reasons to refuse and prefer to do baking and complete the orders. Until at the point, i will move from Jakarta. This blog already my journey since 2008, the words unspoken by mouth but honestly wrote here.

Khansa still hard breathing until today, always happen when she gets flu. I almost not sleep each night when she gets sick like this. For each 3 hours I have do inhalation to her even while she is sleeping. And at last, I get sick because tired. I used to talk to my dream to less my worry, but he is not with me today. I dont know whether he still remain me or no. Sometimes, when I go to Dharmais Hospital to do routine check up and treatment I want to call him and say : my dream, I am afraid to pain how if I cant go through.
My dream still be the first person in mind when I wake up, I dont know how to change that habbit. Thats why I used to cry when wake up.
Get well soon khansa, bunda loves you.

Raining outside. Rainy season just start on November and usually end on March. December will come soon and will be the second December without my dream. I let myself love him that much then in pieces at last. For each his smile and laugh there is my tears. Year will turn as like as day and night. How I am not crying suddenly in reminding this : "my dream, have you back from work ?" I wrote. "Yes, why you not sleeping yet ?" He replied. "I just worry if not waiting you to home".

What is my dream doing this time ? Which city he stay rite now ? which job he has after graduation ? Does he still remember what I ask him : complete your study my dream, then come to see me. And he said, why that long my angel ? And I just say, just please complete your study. But he never know what this heart  says ;  then come to see me and take me with you.

I dreamed of him, my dream. He came to hospital to meet me. He said, where is your smile ? Then I smiled for him. He wiped my tears and caressed my hair. Later on I saw him cried in saying, my angel ... wake up, wake up ... please wake up. Then, I saw my mother cried also. Then I felt so light as like the cotton. I thought in that dreamed I died. Maybe it was a signed from allah for me.

My dream, why you doing this to me ? You never know how I through this. Dont ever dare to imagine how I through, you never can. I tired with all the tears, but I cant stop it. You said I am not doing anything, but I risk everything for you. I had given you everything, anything the heart, the love, the body, the soul, the life and live then I just let myself in pieces like a stupid. I want to scream even slap your face but I dont do because I know that not me. I am sick and I wont you and anyone feel pity to me. The pain and hurt which I willing to accept.

I am sorry. I cut my hair again tonight, the hair loss so terrible. The medicine for treatment I take so much effect to my hair. I already use anti hair loss serum but not help so I have to cut it to less the weight of hair so the loss wont be much. My hairs are going so thinner, not see as like as before.
A day will come when i will go so far, the far which cant reach and see by anyone.

Our, khansa and I, new favourite movie is Masha and the bear. The movie so funny. We watch it while breakfast and lunch. I love bear so ... much. My dream so much know about that. I am so in love to bear. In past day my dream had asked me, which bear you like ? And I answered, all of them. Then he said, have you know bears like to damage things, and I said I still love them. Next day he sent me many pictures of knutt bear, the polar bear. Today knutt bear already died. And the following years, he sent me many bear things which I save and them nicely. 

My dream, I still love bears. I still kiss and hug the bear which you sent me. Tell them how I love and miss. Sometimes I cry while remind how the bears travel from Leeds to Jakarta. The tears which never ending.

Even had chyst ovarian operation, I still having so much pain in period. I cant sleep. Too much pain. As if my dream was still with me, in many times I would ask him to hug me. How I am not crying when have pain like this. My dream no longer here.