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Monday, February 9, 2009

When Love Has to Choose

Time shows to 9 am, the operator says the train is ready to leave the railway for second times. Her echo voice fills the air in train station, some people in hurry to ride into the train, some people still sit to wait another train schedule, some people stand aside to pick their relatives, and me who sit on this old wooden long seat with medium bag travel on my lap search one person whom I wait in last two hours. At once, I open my cell phone to check whether any call or text show up but there is nothing I can see for last two hours.
I stand up, my right hand lifts my medium bag travel left hand holds my handbag and a small piece of paper. I squeeze that letter make it into small ball then throw to the floor. My eyes still search same person but still can’t find any sign. I nod my head, look to a letter and I start to walk slowly. Slowly to aside and walk away from the train station.

A year passed
I open a small wooden box on my lap. I find some movies ticket, some letters, some dry flowers, some food place bills, some photos and one small white close envelope. I know exactly what contain is, but I still open that envelope ‘I never known even we never known that we just ended’ I read it. I find one photo inside there is two persons with big smile, Scott and I. We just a perfect happy couple that time but something just blast like a time bomb and make us separate. My memories remind back in time ;
“I think it is perfect time to tell you” said Scott
“What is that ? what you want to tell me ?” asked me
“It should be ended” replied Scott
“Oh … you must be tired, uhm … okay … lets we go home, I will drive for you” I hold his hand and ask him to follow me to walk. This night Scott takes me to the beach, we like to walk under the stars while full moon shines brightly. Let our naked feet step down soft sands.
“Cate, we should end this. You and I”
“What do you mean ?” I let my hand from his hand, stare his eyes like I stare many stars tonight
“We should end, You and I” replied same sentence to me
“You mean … you want us break up ?”, I see him nods down look to sands, seems he doesn’t want to see me.
“What is wrong, have I some mistakes with you ?, there is third person between us ? or what ?”
“No, it is not like that. I just feel … I lose myself in this relationship. More and more we through this, more I feel … I am empty”
“I don’t get it, really. You lose yourself and feel empty ? Oh please Scott … be serious”
“I mean it. I can’t through this more over with you. Let we end this”
I still stare him, I feel my blood is going up to my neck, I feel my heart beat faster, I feel my legs are stiff, and I feel my tears are down on my face.
“Tell me the truth … do you love me ?” asked me, but he still in silent, nod down look to the sands. “Please tell me … with your most brave you have … Scott … look at me, do you love me?”
“I don’t know” he rises up his head and his eyes stare at me “I am sorry, I don’t know”
I feel my body shake like one big grizzly is ready to eat me, I laugh seems like I laugh for what he said “You moved from your apartment to mine, we had slept together. But … you don’t know … are you love me or not ?”. I walk closer at him “I will think I am in dreaming right now, I will go home by taxi, and tomorrow I will wait you at train station, do you remember … we plan to go to the hill ?. Good night Scott, see you tomorrow”.
But, he never showed up in train station and that time I just know we just ended. I never met him again, never heard any news about him, and for me … I never tried to search him even looking for some news about him. I had made him as memories in mind, in heart and in pain.
I close the envelope, close the box and put it on my lap. I hold my fingers into my chest, in this way I can’t feel my heart in pain. I touch a ring on my sweet fingers, a wedding ring. I realize I had been married with someone else as I am sure I had been his wife for two months. Good man, I can say good person for me, for being my husband, but this person totally not Scott.
Our wedding become lie and fake, I don’t love him and either he does. We meet in family match-maker. I never seen his weaknesses, he just … perfect … for me. Have a good job, a good position, behave attitude, good looking, he just … fine and perfect for me. But I don’t love him. I understand how weary my parents heart see me in longing sadness and lonely. Until one day, my parents asked me to meet him, I really hadn’t no idea that time. I came to meet him in one exclusive dinner. We didn’t talk much that time. As my sight, I thought he didn’t much time to have a date. All his life is just for working. I still remember what he said to me that night “Cate, let make this simple for us and please make it good for our parents. It will be nice if we try to marry”.
I have a good rumbling art store, have good friends, have good life and especially I have good husband. He knows and I know that there is no love between us. But, we both know how we try to make love comes one day. He is the most behave person that I ever met. He agrees with my rules, we will not sleep in same room before we are ready. I never known when I will be ready either he had.
“Cate ? are u there ? can I come in?”, I hear he knocks my room door. “Yes, sure, coming in”. “What time you have to be in ready to go to party ?” asked him. “Party ? what kind of party ? a formal one ?” asked me. I see him nods. “Right now ?” asked me again. “Yes, right now. Is thirty minutes enough for you Cate ?”. “What kind of party ?” I stand up and walk to other room, clothes room. “Welcoming new branch office” answered him, “Okay, 30 minutes is enough for me. I will wear this. See you for next thirty minutes okay” I take white backless gown on my hand and am ready for rest time I have.
The party fills with speech and speech, it just makes me bore. We sit in medium round seat with glass round table. “It is my turn now” he whispers, “Oh, okay … good luck” I smile. I look him in detail. I look how he walks, how he speeches on stage, how professional his behave, and how he looks at me at once while he speech. After half an hour I feel glad, too glad because he asked me to leave. We walk side by side, he holds my hand “Is it fine to hold you like this ?”, oh … how come he asked like that. Off course he can. He is my husband. “Oh … yes … it is fine”. He is too careful with me, I feel there is far between us. “Mark, before I forget. You look great tonight” I smile, “Thank you, and you look great also. I don’t know you like white color and white looks fit with you” he replies to smile.
We are still in silent until we reach at home, we walk to stairs and enter into room ourselves. “Mark, can we talk bit ?” I ask him before he enters his own room, “Sure, what do you want to talk ?” asked Mark. I walk closer to him and enter to his room. “Something wrong with the party ?” asked him, “No …, the party was fine” I look over me, his room. I sit on his bed and feel strange to this place. Beside me, there is a big window where I can see our back garden with night sky above it. “Mark, I feel sorry” I squeeze my fingers on my lap. “Why you feel so ?” he sits beside me. “We had been married for two months, but I never done nothing as your wife”
“What you mean ?” asked him, “I am sorry, really … I still can’t make this. I still let you sleep alone here, I suppose …” Mark interrupts me “No … no … we had the rule right, we will do that, when we are ready. I don’t want to ruin with this” he says in lower voice.
“Mark, you don’t ruin anything, but me … the one who ruin all”, “Cate, we need time, I mean … I married you not because want you for just sexual things like that, we will do that when we are ready okay” I feel more guilty, I can see how careful he is to me. “Mark … “ I nod down, squeeze my fingers more tight “Mark … “, “Yes, what ?” asked him “You are not first man who will that with me, I have done this before, before you … before I met you … I am not virgin anymore“
At once he stares to my eyes then moves his head to the window, “Cate, can I have private moment ? would you please go from my room, I really need to sleep right now”


“Cate speaking, can I help you Sir ?”
“I am glad to hear your voice Cate”
I hold my breath, “Scott …”
“Yes, I am. Can we meet, I promise won’t take your time much. Just for welcoming small lunch. I will wait you in same place. See you”
He just go away like ghost and suddenly come like a storm, if I meet him will it wrong ?. But I won’t lie, I still love him, I miss him, and really want to see him.
I count minute to minute, wait for lunch time. When time shows 12.30 PM, with hurry I ride my car to one place where I can meet Scott again.
He sits in same place, I see him smile at me. How come he can smile like that to me ?, is he ever know how pain my heart ?, have he known that I married ?, does he know what I feel ?.
“Scott …”
“I am, please sit Cate, don’t just stand like that”
“Why you call me ?, why you suddenly come ? what you want ?”
“Cate, please”
“Oh please Scott, what mean of all this. Want bring my memories back again ?”
“If I can do that, I will do that”
“What for ? last time you said to me, you don’t know are you love me or not”
“I want to explain Cate, all …”
“I will listen, but It won’t change any”
“Cate, that time, I made an option for myself. How deep my love was, I compared it with my love to myself. I thought if I loved myself than I loved you, means that … I would lose myself more and more when I still with you. I felt trapped in a boundary tie with you, and I was afraid, I can lose what real me … if I more and more with you”
“You had chose your option Scott, so what you will do”
“I want you back Cate, I moved to other country to forget you, lived and worked there, try to make new relationship with a girl, but stil … I can’t forget you”
“Scott, is too late”
“Cate, you are the only one in my heart. Give me a chance to re-build what I had ruined”
“Scott, is too late” I stand and take my hand bag. I am ready to go from here, I feel and think did something wrong, because I came here to meet him.
“Why you said ‘is too late’, what I miss from you Cate ?”
I show him my sweet finger “Scott, I have been married” I hold my tears hide my face from him, I walk fast to move away from his stares. The way he stares seems bring my pain back.
“Cate … “ he walks behind me, grabs my left hand, sees my sweet finger where I put my wedding ring “I know … and you know, we still love each other, don’t hide that from me”
I pull out my hand from his hand, walk faster “I am sorry … I am sorry cate” he holds me from back, holds me to stop walk, I can hear he is crying. “You never known how strong I try to forget you Scott, you never known how pain my heart, you never known how I suffered in longing alone and sadness. You never known any Scott” I nod down, all I said was in deep and low voice. I cry while my hands hold his hand tight.


We meet again several times just for breakfast or lunch. Slowly my memories with Scott remain back and same again. Every night I wait his calls or his texts to me, even just for say “Good night Cate”, “Good night Scott”. I don’t know what I love him or no, I just run in into this situation. I don’t know is this affair or no, I really don’t know should I stop or continue this, I just don’t know should love being and remain like this.
I hear Mark’s door closes. I feel sorry with Mark, for this lie and fake wedding, being worst wife for him, should I tell him. Should I choose ? so, who will I choose ?. I don’t know what I am going in, is it true or not. If this true, what the sign is ? If this not true, how should I end ?. Love can’t be two. If I make this into two, it won’t be fair always. I am sure and very know love must be one, if I make this one, it will remain fair for me.
“Mark, can I come in ?”
He opens the door and please let me to enter. I see him as a perfect man in my eyes, I can’t hide this any longer, I can’t lie this any longer, and the most important is I can’t see him in hurt.
“Mark, I won’t hurt you any longer. I want to divorce”
I see him stand in stiff, at once he raises his head up then nods down “If this all you want, I will make this”.
He let me alone in his room and he goes down. I can hear his car engine from this window I see he is going out and I have no idea where he will go.


Scott takes me to the beach. Same place where we broken that time. I sit on sands, let my naked feet touch soft of sands. “Cate, why you more silent today ?” asked Scott. “Nothing” answered me shortly.
He holds my hand, caresses my face, stares me deeply, I know … I know … I can feel that, he loves me with sincere. I can feel that, how hard he tries to re-build what he had ruined. He knows how to make comfort in his side, I think only him knows it. He kisses me slowly right on my lips, parts of me want to refuse but the rest seems say ‘no … please no …, let it be this way’.
“Cate, I really miss you, tell me what should I do to make you as mine ?” I hear his sound is weary. I kiss him back slowly right on his lips, long, soft and deeply. “I love you Cate, I am sure you know that. Tell me, what should I do ?” we still kiss with tender, longer and deeper than before.
I pull my head from him, I stop “I hate you Scott. You said you would lose yourself more and more when you still with me. You felt trapped in a boundary tie with me and was afraid because you could lose what real you … if you more and more with me”
“And look what I did, I had lied to my family, had lied even more lied to my husband. I can’t do this Scott”
I stand, look to the beach for the last time “Good bye Scott, love sometimes can come in wrong time, but I can’t do this. Love should be one and I can’t have two”. I run to leave Scott there, try not to notice he calls my name again and again. I wipe my tears take my cell phone from my bag.
“Mark”, Why you don’t ask me why I want to divorce from you ?”
“If I ask that, will you answer honestly ?’
“I will”
“Cate, I won’t ruin your life anymore”
“No, listen. Listen to me. Mark, in past few weeks, I met someone, a man, my x-boyfriend. A man, whom …. Whom … I ever slept with him once before … before we met. Before you asked me to become your wife”
“Cate” Marks interrupts me, “What is your past is really not such a big deal for me, are you virgin or not, no matter for me. Are you widow or something else really no matter for me. All I want from you just … your honesty to me”
I can’t talk any longer because I hear Mark just end my call.


Today divorce letter come, I had seen it. I still don’t know what to do. Should I tear that letter, burn it or keep it. I put that letter on the Mark working desk. I wait him in his room, to talk about this, this letter. No one between Mark and I sign this letter. I will let him do first.
I hear slow step is coming into Mark room, I am sure he just coming. He enters his room, light on table lamp beside his bed. He sees me on his bed. He just silent and sit down on his working seat. There is I put that letter. He reads that slowly and sees me after that. He enters that letter into the envelope.
He walks slowly and walks closer to his bed, he caresses my face “Tell me what should I do ?” asked him. “I have told you everything, after you heard that, what your heart whisper?” I stare him, I see him as usual, a man who just … fine …. Just perfect one for me.
He still in silent, I hold his waist and pulls him to lie beside me, “If that so, don’t do anything with that letter” I hold him, the first time I hold him in this close.
“Mark, teach me how to love you, and I will teach you how to love me” I kiss his eyes, I see him cry and he wipes my tears. “Thank you Mark” I hold his arm tighter “Thank you Cate” he kisses me, the first time he kisses me.
“Please don’t let off your hug Cate” Mark whispers in my ear. “I won’t, and please not let me sleep alone through the night again Mark” I whisper in his ear “I will not let you sleep alone anymore”.

Ryza Febriasty

1 comment:

  1. Love must and always has to choose, we live with many and vary options in life. A Good choose is from with heart whisper, sometimes heart whisper is sent by God


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