Last February 2016, I went to Medinah and Makkah to performed Umroh as moslem. I had two goals in mind when went there ; prayed for Khansa and myself toward him. I should wrote this long time a go but I just wrote here now. Suddenly I feel my self so much miss to perform sholat in Nabawi mosque and Harom mosque.
At once I stepped inside to Nabawi mosque I just cried because how grateful I was there, how beautiful the mosque was, and how calmed I was. My dream in mind never away that time, so I just read al quran and cried many times. Maybe so many people looked at me and wondered what happened but I just nodded my head andd kept prayed. Whenever I walked myself back to hotel, I looked so many pakistani around me. I juat looked and searched one person who looked a like my dream but I didnt find any. But what was strange many pakistani talked to me in their languages but I didnt I understand and always at end some of them gave me dates fruits and zam zam water for complimentary.
At first time I stepped to Harom mosque, I cried because I will do thawaf which mean I will see ka'bah. So many people around the world but again I just tried to find one person, my dream even I couldn't find him. Again I met so many pakistani there, talked in urdu but I dont understand. Rite in front of multazam  I cried, prayed for khansa and myself and him for good. In that time, his face captured in mind and I smiled in tears.
On back way home I know what I always say and write just right ; wherever I go my dream just there, because he already spaced my heart.

It takes many years for me to be 'survival' stage as today. Do the routine days, take part to busy daily days, throw to baking for the orders, closer to Allah in praying and reading Alquran, then of course being totally mother for Khansa which consume my time mostly. I forgot when the last time I cry for him, maybe yesterday maybe two days a go or more. It is not an achievement but one step for me to survive. I am in path to relieve. My dream no longer with me. He may forget me, even deleting all the dots in his mind so ... I just say to myself : I already forgotten and away. When remind him ... I dont find my tears but as more as long empty sight. I realize I have been empty and cold. Yes, I am hurt but ... I can acceept it. What I know he has gone.