I live in different world from him. I become someone who invisible by eyes. He can’t touch me, he can’t hear me even … he can’t see me whenever I am beside him. All night, I see him suffer in sadness because of me. I try to explain to him that I am okay above here, that I feel free to live in huge space here and I never go far from him whatever and whenever he remembers me. But, it is not my capacity to do that, I am not able to do that because our world already different.
“Just forget her Edward, she already gone !”
He smiles to his close friend, Eric, “I try to forget her. The more I try to pull off her presence harder for me to do that”.
“What can I do for you man ?” asked Eric. Edward shakes his head “Just be with me as usual, that’s friend is for”
*****
I fly to him, watch him gently. Whenever he reminds me, I just come to fly next to him. I see him lie on his bed in silent. I can see how suffer he is. I remember, one day he had told me that he couldn’t stand to live without me, I thought he just teased me, only was sweet words for me. But now, I am seeing him in sadness and loneliness because of me.
“Edward, I am here” I said. “Can you feel me ?”. I nod down, he never feel that I am beside him. “I feel glad you keep your words that you will take care yourself, you must be strong. I know you will”. I try to touch his hand, yes, I can touch him but all I see my hand only a transparent light for him.
*****
“Hi Edward, it is too nice that you come to my party”, one girl who name Norin greets him.
“Uhm, yes. Happy birthday” Edward shakes her hand. At once Norin smiles to him. She likes Edward too much.
“Well, thank you. So, what is present for me ?”. A present ? don’t ask that. Edward comes to her party it just present for her, he never give present to other girl beside Vivian, his girlfriend.
“Uhm … I don’t bring any. Next time okay” Edward said. Next time will be the thousand next time for him, because he is not serious to say that. He just acts to be friendly person tonight.
“Oh, okay. Next time will be fine for me. I will come to other guests, have enjoy the party Edward” Norin walks away.
Edward looks for Eric. He had promised to him that he would come tonight also. But no one in this place looks like Eric.
“Are you going ?” asked Edward by phone
“I am on my way … home I mean” answered Eric
“Look, what is your plan ask me to come to her party while you had promised me to meet here then suddenly you said … you are on your way … home ?”
“Sorry, man. I had promised to Norin that you would come. At before I wanted to come, but seems I couldn’t cancel my meeting today. Then … if you ask me to come there, sorry man … I am too tired”
“You are one in million. You just tricked me” Edward walks to go out
“Edward will you listen to me?”
“What things that I have listen to you, Eric ?”
“Enjoy the party, at least be a good man for her birthday just once”
“But I am not enjoying here. What suppose I have to be a good person for Norin even on her birthday. Am I her boyfriend or somewhat?”
“You can be if you want” laughed Eric
“And I tell you, there is no funny right now. I am going okay, with or without your allow”
“Come on … what is bother you ?”
“No one is bother me, but it is not the way you have to do with me Eric”
“I do this because I want you to know about her. She is a good girl for you. I just want to see you start your life”
“And now … who has to be concerned ? I have life and so do you. If you say I have no life so, how I still here until now. I don’t need Norin to make my life”
“If you don’t need Norin or other girl, so what you need for ? Vivian ? Edward, hear me carefully … she has gone. She already died !”
*****
I fly next to him. Lie beside him. I see his tears but I can’t hear he cries.
“I miss you Vivian, really miss you” Edward said
“I miss you too. Too much” replied me, but he can’t hear it
“I move my life like you had told me, but I can’t let anyone replace you, is it wrong ?”
“Is good you move your life, I had seen all. No one can replace me, and it is not wrong” he still can’t hear me.
“Then, why people around seems force me to forget you ? how come I do that ?”
I hug him even he can’t feel it “You don’t have to forget me, you can keep me as your memory. People do that because you deserve to have good and happy life”
*****
I died because flight accident. That time I went home from duty trip from other city. In that plane, there was someone waited me in arrival alley. To pick me. Edward. He said he wanted took me for dinner in skyline which placed above the building. So we could see stars around us. I never knew, that night he would ask me to marry. And he never knew that night I would say something that he never heard from me, that I love him.
“I am sorry man, I didn’t mean to do that suck with you. Became match maker” Eric said
“I know, don’t feel sorry okay. I am fine”
“I am too worry about you. A year passed, but you still can’t forget her. I want my old friend back. I want you take back as before Vivian died, as before you met her, as before …” Edward interrupts Eric
“I still same, I just need time to set up all things first. I feel thank you still here as my good friend. I owe you much”
“Is it good decision that you will leave your job and move to other town ?”
“I hope so. I take my saving to buy small land and think to be a grape farmer. It is my time to prove my knowledge in agriculture as my major. Just wish me good okay”
They hug, “I will, send your mail okay. Don’t let me die because of worry” Eric laughs
“Sure, I will let your inbox full of mine” Edward laughs “Take care !”
“Take care !”
“Uhm … there is something I want you to know” Edward said
“What ?”
“I just need time for my own. When I am ready, I am sure God will send me another girl for me”
*****
It is hard time for Edward to start his new life, become a grape farmer. He hires two persons to help him. Start from cultivate the land, put the seed, watering and harvest time.
He learns bit by bit. The first harvest is worked. They sell their fruits to market and gain good profit. After that, he buys more land for his field. He becomes a grape farmer, a vineyard man.
I sit beside him as usual. We sit in small tent above the field. There are many stars above us.
“It is quite same stars that I want to show you that time. Polaris”
“Polaris, what is that ?” asked me even he can’t hear me
“North star. When you get lost just see this star. Polaris always the lightest star from among stars”
I smile to him even he can’t see me. Seems he knows that I need explanation about that
“From the tale that I read, Polaris will wish your hope. That’s why I am here … in this grape field. From this above I can see Polaris whenever I want. It remains me to you”
*****
I have no much power to reach that place, seems still far from my sight. But I have to try to keep fly as high and as far as I can. To the Polaris.
“How dare you come here” I hear a sound but can’t interfere is it woman or man
“I dare to do everything as long as I can reach to Polaris” said me
“It is cut your border”
“I know … just let me reach that Polaris, I have one wish”
“Do you think you are still human who have wish ?” the sound is getting deeper
“I do, because I want to fulfill human wish. He never tell me his wish but I know what wish whenever he sees Polaris”
“Try to trick me young girl ?” the sound get anger
“I am not. No matter how you not allow me to get there, but I will through that. Just take few steps to go there”
“Are you dare ?”
“What for I am afraid ? I already died, I have to be in hell first before come to heaven that is the rule. No matter how loss my power to go there but I still have to go there”
“Why ?”
“Because I want to fulfill his wish !”
Suddenly, I feel my body throw to deepest hole, black and cold. Too cold as my creature, I become an ice. I throw deeper and deeper, change into hot degree that can melt my meat and bones at once crack.
“A star light is from the sun, the more heat the sun the more light the star is” the same sound pounder from my back
“Is fine, I can stand it” I feel melt like an ice in summer which change because global warming.
“What is his wish ?”
“So, you are the Polaris, the north star ?”
I see the huge shape front of me, light too light.
“What is his wish ?” the sound asked to reply
“My beautiful light Polaris. It might happen once for me. He had wished to see me, to touch me, to hear me and too feel me”
“So dare his wish, Not allow … !”
“We are two part just separate because of time and dimension. You have thw sun to give you light, but him ? he needs something to lighten his life again”
I feel my body throw deeper from my last step, I can’t see the light again. All I see just hole, black hole
“Once and never reply”
*****
It is the second harvest time for two year. Its mean, he had been here for two years. Work day and night to his field. Always wake up when rain come, cover all the seeds from rain. Even had to make him in mud.
The night harvest always makes happiness not only for him but also for his workers, because they will see their treasure.
“Polaris again” Edward said gently
“Have a wish ?” asked me
Suddenly he move his head to my sound, he can hear me. I hold my throat keep not to scream.
“I have, is that you Vivian ?” he stick his hands around him try to search where am I stand
“Yes, is me” I touch his cheek so warm, not alike my hand which so cold
“That cold, is it your hand ?” I feel his tears around my fingers
“Yes, it is”
“What take it so long to appear like this ? I wait this moment quite long”
“I know. In that long I always beside you” I caress his face, so warm
“I always remind you, you fill my heart” I see him smile
“I know. Close your eyes, try to see me how I look tonight?” I touch his eyes. He closes his eyes, with his memories about me that will be my look tonight.
“I am here” I whisper t his ear, he opens his eyes slowly and sees me
“Stunning, you are like my Vivian” he touches my hands my cold hands, he caresses my face my cold face. “I miss you too much, do you know that ?”
I nod once, “I know, that’s why I go to Polaris to make your wish come true”
“Do you ?” asked Edward. I nod again
“I have something to tell you” I smiled. He touch my lips my cold lips. “You are good Edward. Doing all of this. Keep moving and still moving”
“I do this because of you” he kisses me gently to my lips my cold lips “You make me through all of this. Take me with you Vivian, please take me”
“I won’t … I won’t take you. There are many things you still do here” I smile to him “Is not my aim to take you when you can as close as to me like this”
“I will lost” he said shortly
“You won’t. Whenever Polaris still there you won’t lost” I feel my body change slowly. Change into transparent dimension.
“Don’t … “ he holds my hands tightly
“I am sorry, seems my time is close. Edward, you have to keep moving. I become your memory but future is spread widely front of you”
I can feel he still holds my hands but I see my hands are blurring into transparent dimension. She can see my face, touch it softly to my cold face. “I love you Edward” I smile to him until my face fade away and go by change into transparent. He can’t see me again, he can’t touch me again, he can’t hear me again but I am sure he can feel me.
“I know, even that late you said love to me but I had already known Vivian”
“It is nice” I said even he can’t hear me again
“I can feel you from now on”
“Wow … it is nice” I feel my body pull so hard, there is light spread around the grape field. Pull me harder to the sky. Something takes me to the top. I become a bullet who has light over the surface, as yellow as the sun.
“And I can see you as a star” Edward closes his eyes, feels my presence as different creatures.
“Just forget her Edward, she already gone !”
He smiles to his close friend, Eric, “I try to forget her. The more I try to pull off her presence harder for me to do that”.
“What can I do for you man ?” asked Eric. Edward shakes his head “Just be with me as usual, that’s friend is for”
*****
I fly to him, watch him gently. Whenever he reminds me, I just come to fly next to him. I see him lie on his bed in silent. I can see how suffer he is. I remember, one day he had told me that he couldn’t stand to live without me, I thought he just teased me, only was sweet words for me. But now, I am seeing him in sadness and loneliness because of me.
“Edward, I am here” I said. “Can you feel me ?”. I nod down, he never feel that I am beside him. “I feel glad you keep your words that you will take care yourself, you must be strong. I know you will”. I try to touch his hand, yes, I can touch him but all I see my hand only a transparent light for him.
*****
“Hi Edward, it is too nice that you come to my party”, one girl who name Norin greets him.
“Uhm, yes. Happy birthday” Edward shakes her hand. At once Norin smiles to him. She likes Edward too much.
“Well, thank you. So, what is present for me ?”. A present ? don’t ask that. Edward comes to her party it just present for her, he never give present to other girl beside Vivian, his girlfriend.
“Uhm … I don’t bring any. Next time okay” Edward said. Next time will be the thousand next time for him, because he is not serious to say that. He just acts to be friendly person tonight.
“Oh, okay. Next time will be fine for me. I will come to other guests, have enjoy the party Edward” Norin walks away.
Edward looks for Eric. He had promised to him that he would come tonight also. But no one in this place looks like Eric.
“Are you going ?” asked Edward by phone
“I am on my way … home I mean” answered Eric
“Look, what is your plan ask me to come to her party while you had promised me to meet here then suddenly you said … you are on your way … home ?”
“Sorry, man. I had promised to Norin that you would come. At before I wanted to come, but seems I couldn’t cancel my meeting today. Then … if you ask me to come there, sorry man … I am too tired”
“You are one in million. You just tricked me” Edward walks to go out
“Edward will you listen to me?”
“What things that I have listen to you, Eric ?”
“Enjoy the party, at least be a good man for her birthday just once”
“But I am not enjoying here. What suppose I have to be a good person for Norin even on her birthday. Am I her boyfriend or somewhat?”
“You can be if you want” laughed Eric
“And I tell you, there is no funny right now. I am going okay, with or without your allow”
“Come on … what is bother you ?”
“No one is bother me, but it is not the way you have to do with me Eric”
“I do this because I want you to know about her. She is a good girl for you. I just want to see you start your life”
“And now … who has to be concerned ? I have life and so do you. If you say I have no life so, how I still here until now. I don’t need Norin to make my life”
“If you don’t need Norin or other girl, so what you need for ? Vivian ? Edward, hear me carefully … she has gone. She already died !”
*****
I fly next to him. Lie beside him. I see his tears but I can’t hear he cries.
“I miss you Vivian, really miss you” Edward said
“I miss you too. Too much” replied me, but he can’t hear it
“I move my life like you had told me, but I can’t let anyone replace you, is it wrong ?”
“Is good you move your life, I had seen all. No one can replace me, and it is not wrong” he still can’t hear me.
“Then, why people around seems force me to forget you ? how come I do that ?”
I hug him even he can’t feel it “You don’t have to forget me, you can keep me as your memory. People do that because you deserve to have good and happy life”
*****
I died because flight accident. That time I went home from duty trip from other city. In that plane, there was someone waited me in arrival alley. To pick me. Edward. He said he wanted took me for dinner in skyline which placed above the building. So we could see stars around us. I never knew, that night he would ask me to marry. And he never knew that night I would say something that he never heard from me, that I love him.
“I am sorry man, I didn’t mean to do that suck with you. Became match maker” Eric said
“I know, don’t feel sorry okay. I am fine”
“I am too worry about you. A year passed, but you still can’t forget her. I want my old friend back. I want you take back as before Vivian died, as before you met her, as before …” Edward interrupts Eric
“I still same, I just need time to set up all things first. I feel thank you still here as my good friend. I owe you much”
“Is it good decision that you will leave your job and move to other town ?”
“I hope so. I take my saving to buy small land and think to be a grape farmer. It is my time to prove my knowledge in agriculture as my major. Just wish me good okay”
They hug, “I will, send your mail okay. Don’t let me die because of worry” Eric laughs
“Sure, I will let your inbox full of mine” Edward laughs “Take care !”
“Take care !”
“Uhm … there is something I want you to know” Edward said
“What ?”
“I just need time for my own. When I am ready, I am sure God will send me another girl for me”
*****
It is hard time for Edward to start his new life, become a grape farmer. He hires two persons to help him. Start from cultivate the land, put the seed, watering and harvest time.
He learns bit by bit. The first harvest is worked. They sell their fruits to market and gain good profit. After that, he buys more land for his field. He becomes a grape farmer, a vineyard man.
I sit beside him as usual. We sit in small tent above the field. There are many stars above us.
“It is quite same stars that I want to show you that time. Polaris”
“Polaris, what is that ?” asked me even he can’t hear me
“North star. When you get lost just see this star. Polaris always the lightest star from among stars”
I smile to him even he can’t see me. Seems he knows that I need explanation about that
“From the tale that I read, Polaris will wish your hope. That’s why I am here … in this grape field. From this above I can see Polaris whenever I want. It remains me to you”
*****
I have no much power to reach that place, seems still far from my sight. But I have to try to keep fly as high and as far as I can. To the Polaris.
“How dare you come here” I hear a sound but can’t interfere is it woman or man
“I dare to do everything as long as I can reach to Polaris” said me
“It is cut your border”
“I know … just let me reach that Polaris, I have one wish”
“Do you think you are still human who have wish ?” the sound is getting deeper
“I do, because I want to fulfill human wish. He never tell me his wish but I know what wish whenever he sees Polaris”
“Try to trick me young girl ?” the sound get anger
“I am not. No matter how you not allow me to get there, but I will through that. Just take few steps to go there”
“Are you dare ?”
“What for I am afraid ? I already died, I have to be in hell first before come to heaven that is the rule. No matter how loss my power to go there but I still have to go there”
“Why ?”
“Because I want to fulfill his wish !”
Suddenly, I feel my body throw to deepest hole, black and cold. Too cold as my creature, I become an ice. I throw deeper and deeper, change into hot degree that can melt my meat and bones at once crack.
“A star light is from the sun, the more heat the sun the more light the star is” the same sound pounder from my back
“Is fine, I can stand it” I feel melt like an ice in summer which change because global warming.
“What is his wish ?”
“So, you are the Polaris, the north star ?”
I see the huge shape front of me, light too light.
“What is his wish ?” the sound asked to reply
“My beautiful light Polaris. It might happen once for me. He had wished to see me, to touch me, to hear me and too feel me”
“So dare his wish, Not allow … !”
“We are two part just separate because of time and dimension. You have thw sun to give you light, but him ? he needs something to lighten his life again”
I feel my body throw deeper from my last step, I can’t see the light again. All I see just hole, black hole
“Once and never reply”
*****
It is the second harvest time for two year. Its mean, he had been here for two years. Work day and night to his field. Always wake up when rain come, cover all the seeds from rain. Even had to make him in mud.
The night harvest always makes happiness not only for him but also for his workers, because they will see their treasure.
“Polaris again” Edward said gently
“Have a wish ?” asked me
Suddenly he move his head to my sound, he can hear me. I hold my throat keep not to scream.
“I have, is that you Vivian ?” he stick his hands around him try to search where am I stand
“Yes, is me” I touch his cheek so warm, not alike my hand which so cold
“That cold, is it your hand ?” I feel his tears around my fingers
“Yes, it is”
“What take it so long to appear like this ? I wait this moment quite long”
“I know. In that long I always beside you” I caress his face, so warm
“I always remind you, you fill my heart” I see him smile
“I know. Close your eyes, try to see me how I look tonight?” I touch his eyes. He closes his eyes, with his memories about me that will be my look tonight.
“I am here” I whisper t his ear, he opens his eyes slowly and sees me
“Stunning, you are like my Vivian” he touches my hands my cold hands, he caresses my face my cold face. “I miss you too much, do you know that ?”
I nod once, “I know, that’s why I go to Polaris to make your wish come true”
“Do you ?” asked Edward. I nod again
“I have something to tell you” I smiled. He touch my lips my cold lips. “You are good Edward. Doing all of this. Keep moving and still moving”
“I do this because of you” he kisses me gently to my lips my cold lips “You make me through all of this. Take me with you Vivian, please take me”
“I won’t … I won’t take you. There are many things you still do here” I smile to him “Is not my aim to take you when you can as close as to me like this”
“I will lost” he said shortly
“You won’t. Whenever Polaris still there you won’t lost” I feel my body change slowly. Change into transparent dimension.
“Don’t … “ he holds my hands tightly
“I am sorry, seems my time is close. Edward, you have to keep moving. I become your memory but future is spread widely front of you”
I can feel he still holds my hands but I see my hands are blurring into transparent dimension. She can see my face, touch it softly to my cold face. “I love you Edward” I smile to him until my face fade away and go by change into transparent. He can’t see me again, he can’t touch me again, he can’t hear me again but I am sure he can feel me.
“I know, even that late you said love to me but I had already known Vivian”
“It is nice” I said even he can’t hear me again
“I can feel you from now on”
“Wow … it is nice” I feel my body pull so hard, there is light spread around the grape field. Pull me harder to the sky. Something takes me to the top. I become a bullet who has light over the surface, as yellow as the sun.
“And I can see you as a star” Edward closes his eyes, feels my presence as different creatures.
Ryza Febriasty
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