Dearest,




Very first time I talk openly here. I have no one to share
except my written.




I fell in love with him since the first time I talked to him
in written. I even don't
know his look that time. I fell in love with his words each alphabet
written on screen how he made me smile, he never knows because I never
tell him.




The first time saw him on screen, my heart beat fast as like I
never meet a guy before. He
never knows because I never tell him.




I fall in love in very first time. Love at first words, love at
first sight.




I keep in and just keep it for me. Doubt all the feeling, bias
between real or dream. At last
he is my dream.




One day, I was so delight as like an ice cream when he told me
he would come to KL,MY. That time
I planned to tell everything what I feel, that time I wanted my self be
brave to say 'please take me because I don't know what future come'.




He didn't come, I am sure understand KL,MY not his priority, UK
is always his chosen. I
said to myself maybe Allah gave me a sign to realize that not the way for
us. He never knows because I never tell him.




That day was my marriage. I wanted him to come just for taking
my hands and saying 'is
fine you are safe with me'. He never knows because I never tell him.




That was my first night, cried a lot on my pillow. My heart
whispered his name and said I am
sorry for billion times. In life I felt as
like a bitch.




That day when he suddenly find a girl who still that close
family relation I just feel
that close family related not too good then what I feel just rite. Your
life crashed as like ship sink in ocean. I still remember what
he said that time "I am sorry but I really love her".




First time I won't take part in it, won't involve between them.
But see him in worst as like pieces, slowly I take his hands to be with me for through life
as hell as he tell me. I want see his smile, I want hear his laugh, again
as like before. His mother and I need him to be a real man. Then
I realize, this love is never end from beginning.




I asked him many times to send me his hand written. I still touch the words each
by each. Allah knows how these two persons so much in love, Allah knows
how they are suffering, Allah knows what they through, Allah knows how
they depend each other.




One day he said directly want life just end. It changed me
into someone. I lost a
person as my holding, I lost a person as my man, I lost a person to be my
place, I lost a person whom I know giving me courage.




I am thinking so deep and much. Lost appetite. My head just
like spinning. I seem lost
my passion. All I do each night just wait for some words. All I do seems
waiting to take me back. I am down, break and buried.




I never know how bad I am until I write this. Loving him with
all heart I have. It won't
gone by time. It won't gone by miles away.




So lucky they are who can spend their life's n times with theirs
love. When feeling that
close to him is when I am dreaming him, when I close my eyes then
wondering him. He looks so perfect in my eyes.




If tomorrow never come, I won't miss to say; I love you my dream. I always do your
proposal for each ask. Heart, soul and body. Own me top to toe. I am not good but with you I feel special. Love
and hurt have thin line and we live in that line.




I am waiting a
real angel taking me away. Imagining how it feels sleep that long.