Suddenly wake up this time, 2.31 am. He is on mind. What is he doing ? how is he ? where is he ? and so on. Maybe he never think as like as i am doing rite now. Maybe i never in his mind again. I just remind about this, the time he had said to me, "My angel, just say what your heart says". I always said "I am afraid" yes i am afraid to be in pieces at last because i never prepare be like that. What the afraid just be true at last. There always whisper for me to not going too far, but i always ignore them. I let my self love him that much, believe all the words, wish hope and dream many things with him. Eveytime i see the baby, my tears just fall because i dream to have one with him, even i know having the baby with my condition is risky. Everytime i drive somewhere and find a nice place, my tears just fall because i dream to go there with him. Everytime i go to Dharmais Hospital to do routine check up and treatment the tears just fall because worry and not find him with me. Already a year and i still be like this, this heart weary. Whenever my friends ask to meet somewhere, i always have reasons to refuse and prefer to do baking and complete the orders. Until at the point, i will move from Jakarta. This blog already my journey since 2008, the words unspoken by mouth but honestly wrote here.

Khansa still hard breathing until today, always happen when she gets flu. I almost not sleep each night when she gets sick like this. For each 3 hours I have do inhalation to her even while she is sleeping. And at last, I get sick because tired. I used to talk to my dream to less my worry, but he is not with me today. I dont know whether he still remain me or no. Sometimes, when I go to Dharmais Hospital to do routine check up and treatment I want to call him and say : my dream, I am afraid to pain how if I cant go through.
My dream still be the first person in mind when I wake up, I dont know how to change that habbit. Thats why I used to cry when wake up.
Get well soon khansa, bunda loves you.