It's Been A Long Day

It's been a long day. This night i just back from Dharmais Hospital for injection on my back bone for blood cell sample. Long way and hours for through. They were right, it was pain, tired and make me sleepy all day. I felt again laid on white sheet which so cold on to my skin. The last time i laid as like this was i had cesarean section operation on maternity. The pain killer still effect on me until this midnight. My doctor asked me "Any you want do while i am doing this ?" from wrist to toe i felt nothing - unconscious while from head to chest all my sense still work. "Yes sure, hear a song" I let my ITunes played 'can't remember to forget you from Shakira feat Rihanna', the newest song from Shakira. Well ... i like Shakira, how she sings, dances, and the lyrics. I forget how many times the songs turned again and again. I just closed the eyes, heard the song, and relaxed. 

I remembered while i am sleeping on bed tonight at home, Khansa suddenly woke up and called me "Bunda ... Bunda ... Bunda ..." cried that loud but i still stayed sleep. Maybe she thought i never woke up again. The pain killer still effect on me. I really sleep as like a dead body. I forgot how many times she called me until i woke up after Khansa torn my hair. I hug her softly "Bunda is here Khansa" and let her sleep inside my hug. Ya Allah, will she cried as like this ... that loud ... if just tonight i never wake up again ? 

Khansa, having you since in my stomach was the risk. Risk for myself and yourself too. Look now, we had been through for crazy 9 months rite. Each day - for 9 months period Bunda got heparyn injection on arms and thighs ... bruise ... just fine for me as long as you still alive inside. You were a brave a baby girl since beginning. Inshaallah, we can through all of this. "Bunda is with you Khansa". Actually, before Khansa i already had a baby who about 3 weeks ages. I got miscarriage because of my DDimer. The baby can't stay alive ... the baby can't absorb any food from me. I will see that baby later, when i am not in this life anymore. I will see how it looks. Is the baby a girl or boy ? the baby is waiting me. 

Few days ago, Alin came to my dream. Something she wanted to tell me, but in the dreamt she just silent. I am sorry Alin, i don't know where your family burried you. Which graveyard in this Jakarta. But i always pray for good for you there. And please ... you can come to my dream but please ... in beautiful shape. I am not ready enough to see you in another shape. We don't have much time to know each other as friend. Knowing you on patient waiting room in hospital is great moment. 

2.15 am, will back to sleep. Let other dreams come to me. Just wish he, my dream, come in solitude tonight. Feel the hug and the warm. Good night.