I am tired waiting you. Waiting for any email for any reply or news or whatever is. Waiting you is killing me. Sometimes i lost words to write in each mail. Lately i just write it simply and short. Somehow ... hard to sleep each night in missing you. Sometimes cry easily with no espression in waiting indeed missing you. Moreover i have to be used with it. With all the situations, times, differences and the others.
I want to give up, for last 10 years sometimes i want to give up. Teary, torn and restless. I want to step back. I dont know where all the feelings inside will bring to.

Today Feb 21, i am turning in 35. Many greetings and prays for me, many smiles, warm hug and love from friends. But i feel empty. At 12 am i just waiting an email from someone. But until i am writing this post i dont have any. My dream could forget, bussy, deny or unaware this 21 date. Well ... i have to be used with this. Well ... uhmmm ... no ... just fine.

what i dreamed last night too beautiful too be real. A small beautiful house which there was me and my dream inside, we were there, we lived there. So mucb love inside. I remembered just hold his hands. Staring his eyes like adoring him. Kissed him deep like there wont be tomorrow. We were made love in beautifully. I so clearly looked him in that dreamed. And i wake up, looked around and just cried. Why i loved him so mucb ? Somehow it left tears for me ... 10 years the feeling which same ... 10 years the dreamed which repeat again and again in sleeping.

What is he doing right now ? 10 pm indonesia time so it could be that 4 hours ahead there. I am missing my dream, does he miss me like i feel ? I am missing the time we have had. The time passed by. I still cant believe i still stay same after all we had been through. The time he is gone. My dream ... i am missing you.

Gloomy morning, dark, rain and cold. Picturing what i feel this morning. Missing my dream, missing the times which passed by. It wont repeat but always beautiful to remember. He is someone whom i never meet but he is someone whose in heart.

He is walking closer then hug me softly. My daughter is coloring her drawing without ignore his presence. My son is sleeping in his stroller tightly. The wind is breezing, the sun is coming slowly to its place. I am smiling to him, holding his hands. He patiently heard my talk. Return i see him smile. I caress his hairs and hug him tightly. Whispering to his ear, "i'll miss you" he looked my eyes deeply. "Dont worry, go then my dream" i see him in tears "dont worry my dream, i dont go anywhere". His smile is lighting the sky.
I wake up, his face coloring my awaked. I just dreaming of my dream tonight.

I stare his face which look tired and sleepless. Somehow want to caress his hair but afraid to wake him up. "I love you" i smiled to him even in his sleeping. He suddenly awake and i just bite my lips. "I wake you up" slowly caressed his hairs. "I love my angel too" he said softly and close his eyes again. I wait few minutes until he really sleep then i whisper "you always be my dream in my heart. Good night ... " slowly i fall asleep and hiding in his chest. So warm ... and time flies.

I suddenly awaked. He always the person in mind whenever wake up and before sleep. I am missing him, my dream. What can i do ? thousand miles away, condition and time which can't tolerate. One dream of him is enough for me. Good night my dream.

Is late night, i still turn my body left to right again ... again ... and again. I see him sleep so tight, tired and sleepless. I am closer to his back, feeling his warmth body. I feel comfy and these eyes slowly closed. "My angel" suddenly his voice thrill me. "Hmmm" i said while my eyes still closing. "Not sleep yet ?" He turned his body toward me. My eyes still closing in beetween sleep and awake. "Trying" i said as it as i could. He pulls my body inside his chest then hugs me across his hands cover me "Sleep then" he whisper in my ears. i cant count 1 to 3 to finish. Before that i alreadg sleep as baby new born as tight in his holding.

Universe seems stop rounding. I meet those eyes, brown and hazel. My lips smile regarding his smile toward me. "My dream" i whispered. He caress my face softly through the tears slowly running in corner my eyes "Yes, i am here" he slowly closer and hug me in his holding "i am sorry .. Taking so long ... For this moment" he whispered. I smile "Because you know i will stay still, dont you ?". Our eyes meet again, the wind blowing as dancing between us. "I am no longer young anymore" i said in a shame, he smirks and say "My angel never stop to be beautiful in times". His smiles prolong into my heart which i adore in years, his eyes through my soul which i wonder in years, his voices are sounding in my humming in years, his touches are bringing me alive in my longing. He is the one ... My dream.

You asked me what i dreamed about you ? It was the same dream which i had for years amd years. I was in your hug, sleeping thight as like as a baby new born. Hearing your pulse, your breath, smelling your bidy and feeling your warm. And i just opened my eyes in tears then back to sleep again. What should i say then ... I think ... Nothing. Good night my dream. Missing you badly.

Bussy month in february. Not only had ordered for savory snacks almost each week but also cakes and cupcakes birthday ordered. I just sleep just for two hours lately. Haaaa ####!!!!!!#### feel like an alien. As if my dream besides me right now i will ask him to massage my head until i fall asleep. Then when i wake up suddenly, i will ask him so same again amd again until maybe he feels grumpy. Hug, i just realize it is valentine day. I never celebrate it. Few years a go he sent me red flowers bouquet. I still keep the box and the dry flowers inside its. I could smile and cry ar same time remain all those moments especially when he was in UK before he left me for almost 3 years ago. Hug, good night my dream. Missing you badly.

"Are you happy ?" My dream asked me
"Seems i dont know what meaning of happy is" I answered
"What happen ?" He asked me again
"Nothing ... Is fine .. I just dont have 'me time' " i said

My happiness is with him. When he besides me, everything is enough. Want to hold your hands around my fingers, want to hug you, i really dont have much words. But i believe you realize how my heart is for you. Good night my dream, missing you so much, missing you more than you imagine.

More than a week, almost for 2 weeks i have no news about you. No email, no text even no call. I dont know anything, as long as my dream good and happy it may be fine. Where is he gone ? He had left me almost 3 years with no words at all so will he do same again ? I dont know and really have no idea at all. All the feeling right now seema useless so let i keep all for myself. Seperate by miles, ocean, times and conditions but ever he knows how i could stay same. He may come and go but i never away.

I miss my dream, i cry whenever miss him badly like this. Why my heart loves him that much, even i never know how inside his heart right now. Everything has chamge, should i stay same or should i go.  All his words remain to his eyes, something which i never seen again. Longing his warm which no longer mine. I am speechless, more i write more i cry this time.

11 pm, coming to midnight and i still awake. What is my dream doing this time ? My dream, i am missing you. My days passed so hard, i just need his hug. I lost words ...

So late this time, 2 am and I still awake. My mind running wild, it should be my dream only in mind. I just think, will he always be with me ? How if he go and leave me like he did 2 to 3 years a go, will it happen ?

My dream and his wife have many good times together, I believe she cares and loves my dream. One day, they will have one, or maybe two or maybe twin or maybe three or many kids which colour they married life. In that time ... will my dream still with me ? in that time will I still have place in his life ?

My dream, no one will know who what and how I am in your life. There is only one person who I call my dream, and is you. No one even times could change it. My dream own his place in mine.

I always to wake up in middle of nigh like right now. 2 pm this time. Only my dream who always come in mind. Somehow, I want my dream hug me until I sleep again. I am missing him. My dream, have you ever think to leave me again ?

Tonight I am wearing the sleeping dress you had given me few years ago. I still wearing it in times missing my dream badly. Somehow I could feel my dream hug me while I am sleeping. Still fit with me, I still have the same size and weight. My dream exactly know my size. My dream exactly know me inside and outside ... all ... about me. Until the intimate to privacy things he had known all. As if he was here besides me, I would cuddle as like as a kid inside his hug. He knows how spoil I am to him. Good night my dream ... missing you badly.

My dream, is it much if I ask you to hug me through night this time ? I feel so pain. My head and stomach, the fever makes me hard to sleep. I have been trying to close this eyes but hardly to sleep. Whispering your name. My dream, I cant take this pain. My dream, is it much to ask you to still hug me until I sleep ? My dream ... my dream ... my dream ...